Am I being an arse or is my husband?!

[FrustratedWoman]

So me and my husband have decided to separate - no children.

I know he is probably hurting and lashing out but he wanted to go NC during Christmas which I understood. But on Christmas day, I thought I would send him a "Merry Christmas". No reply. I done the same thing on New Year. No reply. He always said he had alot of respect for me and wants this to amicable and for us to be friends. Okay, I didnt expect us to be besties but he is just being nasty. I am suprised after 15 years together.

He said he was taking Christmas to think about us and after much self-reflection... he has told friends this, he is happy to be out of a toxic and unhealthy relationship. He has told other friends who have told me, that "I've moved on" and he "doesnt give a shit" all because he saw me with a male colleague (who is gay by the way!!!) having a coffee in costa!!

I have heard from a source (who matched with him) that he is on tinder too - with our wedding as his profile picture! Splitting up is the right thing to do but I feel like I have been respectful. If people have asked, I have said we both werent happy. Yes, it was a little unhealthy at times but no one needs the details. It certainly wasnt toxic and I am hurt he is telling people this. I also think using our wedding picture as his profile is hurtful too.

He has now instructed me to move out asap as he wont live at his mum and dads forever. I've told him I cant buy until we sell. He has told me he will look at buying me out but wants me out. He said I am to base all of my mortgage promises on worst case senario - this being the lowest amount I'll get - but when I have been doing this all my mortgage promises are extremly low. The house has appreciated significantly over the years so it is estimated I will get alot more than he is estimating.

He said he wants to move on and cant date others until he has his own place as they cant exactly go back to his mum and dads. So I asked if he was actively dating, and he is ignoring me now. We only offically seperated weeks ago. I understand the need to sell up and for us to move on but to put this as a reason is hurtful.

I know I am being extremly petty and I need someone to talk me down. But...

My friend sent me a picture of him on tinder - would I be unreasonable (I bloody know I am!!!) to give this to the solicitor and say I would like to go down the adultery route.. I can play nasty too, although I dont want to, I am just hurting as he is being cold and treating me horribly.

I dont care he is moving on but he is treating me like I am a stranger when it was his actions that led to all of this. Saying things like "I didnt miss you once over Christmas, just our cat, which is very telling, you are shit company and a disgraceful person". He keeps reminding me what we agreed to before Christmas - "remember, you get the cat, and you cant claim my pension, savings or house deposit". I originally said fine but this list keeps getitng longer and I dont know if I am shooting myself in the foot. However, I have been the one to look after our cat during his move to his mum and dads so what chance would he have to contest ownership. Someone please help talk me down and tell me I am being stupid??

I just wanted to divorce quickly honestly. I just thought it would be better insteasd of having seperating hanging over us and then waiting for the year to pass to then divorce.
But, it is petty, I'm just getting wound up.

If you want to divorce quickly as you say, just claim that you committed adultery. He can’t deny anything then and you can get your divorce.

You will each have different emotions at different stages so don't expect too much from him. As you have no children potentially you never need to have contact again...Thinking you may be friends is too much to ask as carving up the money usually causes bad feelings.

It's extremely common for men to date weeks after separation - using an old wedding photo will be disappointing for his tinder dates!

Focus on the practicalities of divorcing. You need an agreement financial settlement so focus on that. Have you got legal advice?

There are three reasons to divorce in scotland - 2 of which need a period of 1 year before divorce will be granted. The third reason, adultery, means a divroce is granted and there is no need for a seperation period.

BUT i wont go down this route now. I just posted in a moment of rage.

I have an appointment tomorrow.

I'm sorry you have to wait a whole year to end all this. Don't let him force you out of your home until you have something else in place for yourself. Do you have enough space to have separate areas should he move himself back in? I would take pp's advice and respect his no wishes but it works both ways he can't be issuing instructions to you either. Get the professionals involved asap and start working towards your new life. Be as busy as you can be. As a pp said ask your friends not to talk to you about him anymore even though they may feel they are doing you a favour it's not helpful to moving on.

Great advice here.

Friendship post break up is unlikely even when most start out with best intentions - it is hard with simmering tensions.

Keep it strictly factual and try to stay away from the rest.

Why did you message him twice when he asked you not to
stop indulging in all the gossip and focus on yourself
but also he’s being ridiculous re finances
all of this sounds petty and childish
when you walk away from this you need to know you behaved in a way you aren’t ashamed of.
you loved and respected each other at one point, try to remember that as you work through this.

Yes, technically it is adultery but it's usually cheaper and quicker (and less unpleasant) just to divorce on non confrontational grounds.
But you will be entitled to a share of savings, pension and equity in the house, no matter what he says.

Look, you get the cat - that’s a win-win IMO!

Seriously though? It sounds like he’s moved on already and is looking for wife no.2 (men are usually much quicker to move on - they need regular sex plus someone to wash their socks etc)

He IS being disrespectful but so what? You’re shot of him now, you presumably don’t want to be with him anymore so just do what he wants and don’t contact him - as hard as it may be. He’s moving on quicker than you, that’s all, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. Just remind yourself of all the crappy things he did that made you want to divorce him - and now some lucky woman off tinder will get to deal with him!

You contacted him when he asked you not to; you have no children together so no reason to contact him at all.

Now you want to accuse him of adultery because he’s on Tinder and you don’t like it? You wanted to separate but he’s not allowed to date anyone else either, is that it?

If you want to say there was adultery to get a speedy divorce, why not say it was you?

Also for the record, I never kicked him out, he moved out. He has made several comments about being unhappy at his mum and dads. I have told him to move back, have his own space (house is bigger enough that we dont need to speak, really) and we will power through all of this. He said no. He said "I will make him look after the cat if he moves back" and "how can I bring back dates if youre there".

Maybe I will say it is me, I'll pretend to be the adulterer.
With how I am feeling, I'd just rather this was over quickly.

You should have left him alone over xmas

its his house as much as yours, so yes, he wants his own place.

he’s doing nothing wrong here

I don’t think you disrespected the boundaries by sending him a cheery message at Xmas and YN. You were being civilised.

Is your cat made of solid gold? Cos otherwise why on Earth would you agree to a cat instead of a house deposit?! I’ve recently(ish) gone through a divorce in Scotland, although an amicable one. You need to get yourself a lawyer asap and a good one. A fucking cat. Come on now. You will leave yourself with absolutely nothing if you don’t take proper legal advice. Force a sale of the house and split the equity. The housing market is horrific at the moment so why should you be the only one having to deal with that. Nah.

You started all of this by not respecting his request to be left alone over Christmas and New Year. I can see where he might think you're rubbing all of this in his face. You were also very naive to think some anger wouldn't surface eventually.

Seek legal advice before you do anything, but I have had friends divorce in Scotland and they have been told do not move out the home. He will have to move back and in and you will have to co-habit until your finances have been agreed pre divorce.

Hopefully your legal advisor will explain all of this and the simpler you can make it will mean a cheaper legal bill in the long run

I love my cat but don't make financial decisions on the basis of who keeps the cat.
Get some legal advice.
Keeping costs down by agreeing to seperation of assets without legal advice is not a good idea.
Keep a cool head. Divorce isn't pleasant. Don't expect him to behave towards you in a way that will disadvantage himself.

He keeps reminding me what we agreed to before Christmas - "remember, you get the cat, and you cant claim my pension, savings or house deposit

This is worrying TBH - I don't know if the law is different in Scotland but you should expect the starting point to 50:50 on assets. Also if you both own the house you are equally entitled to live in it - he can't force you out. Live in it together as you have space so long as you don't think he will be abusive (although offering you the cat in lieu of a fair split of assets sounds as if he might be). He can go to a hotel for dating.

I know it’s hard but try and concentrate on the really important things at the moment.

Sending messages at Christmas, him seeing you with a gay friend, you knowing he’s on tinder. Him saying relationship was toxic. Hurtful, yes, but not what you should be concentrating on at the moment.

He sounds like he wants to steamroller you into accepting a whole list of things because “it’s what you accepted before Christmas”.

This has happened to me and things haven’t really started getting sorted until my STBXH finally decided to get a solicitor (6 months after I had). He said he wanted to save money, but it was really to try and bully me into accepting his escalating financial demands.

He is not your friend any more, it will be ALL about the money. The best way in a situation like this is to live apart and it’s your solicitors who liaise. This does cost money but takes a lot of the emotion out of things.

All during my long marriage, my husband was so generous with money, always treating friends and family to gifts and meals. Now we are divorcing, I can’t believe how financially sneaky he is being. Turns out he was happy to be generous with our money, he’s not so keen when it’s his.

I'm not very good with abbreviations what does NC mean? 🙈

Your relationship is over, it's painful but it's the reality. Why would you expect him to be nice to you?

Don't try and be petty about his tinder. He's free to date who he wants. You should do the same.

Don't put yourself in a silly financial situation over a cat. You obviously should get 50% of everything your entitled to. Don't miss out on deposit/ pension etc. for a cat. I know it's harsh but you can get another one (if you don't get the cat)

Maybe I will say it is me, I'll pretend to be the adulterer.

You can only cite adultery as grounds for divorce in Scotland if you’re the injured party, not if you’re the adulterer so that won’t get you anywhere. It’s only a year - and the best part of that will be taken up sorting finances etc. Have you drawn up a separation agreement? That should outline what you’ve agreed re property, finances etc. You can find templates online which can then be signed off at court - just bear in mind that once lodged at court it becomes legally binding so don’t give ground to be kind thinking you can revisit it once the divorce comes round. It’s a different system to England (where most folk here will be posting from. You sort the finances first and then divorce.

@yorkshirepudsx - No contact