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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be posting almost exactly the same thread 10 years later?

62 replies

LindorDoubleChoc · 10/01/2023 21:11

Oh blimey here we go round again.

PIL significant wedding anniversary coming up next year.

They have two dc - my husband and his brother.

They have four gdc - we have two and bil has two, all very similar ages (19-23).

Pil have no spare money. They are pensioners on basic state pension, no savings, don't even own their own home.

Bil wants us all, all 10 adults of us, to go to a holiday cottage away to mark their anniversary.

Cost to Bil's family and our family will be £1500+ because PIL can't contribute at all and this would be our gift to them.

AIBU to say no to spending £1500 on their wedding anniversary? We have 0 in savings and tightening our belts massively due to utilities and mortgage increase and inflation. On paper we should be able to afford this but only if we give up the chance of having a summer holiday this year.

OP posts:
Remona · 11/01/2023 07:15

Just tell BIL that you can’t afford it and you’ll get them a small gift yourselves. If they want to pay for a holiday cottage then let them.

It’d be a nightmare anyway. Ten adults flung together for a week. You’d all get on each other’s nerves.

MangoBiscuit · 11/01/2023 07:22

If you're happy to do this AS your holiday (and it doesn't sound like that's the case) then great. But if this is just to celebrate someone else's anniversary, then that's a lot of money. If you can't afford it, you just can't. No moral dilema.

My exSIL tried to demand that we fork out several hundred pounds a few years ago, so that just exH could go on a jolly to Ireland with PIL and his siblings. At the time we could only afford a family camping trip every other year. She still thought we were being unreasonable. 🙄Some people are just a little detatched from reality it seems.

DontbesuchanarseGlenda · 11/01/2023 07:28

Marie2023 · 11/01/2023 07:08

I don’t think that sounds much fun. Especially if money is tight. Maybe ask the PIL what they want to do, but keep it to a day thing?

For my PIL’s anniversary we booked them afternoon tea on a llama farm ☕️ 🫖 🦙 🦙. They HATED it and are still moaning about it years later 😄.

Brilliant! We need to hear more about this! 😂

willingtolearn · 11/01/2023 07:30

No chance.

  1. Wedding anniversary in my book is a personal celebration of the couple.
  2. BIL does not get to choose how you spend your money.
  3. Your children are adults and presumably have a choice whether to come.
  4. You're not close so it sounds like it would not be a holiday, more an endurance event.
  5. I just would not want to do this.
TeenDivided · 11/01/2023 07:33

My DPs 4 significant anniversaries

  • home done buffet meal in garden
  • home done buffet meal in garden
  • catered buffet meal in house
  • meal in pub
You don't need to spend stupid money to celebrate an anniversary.
familyissues12345 · 11/01/2023 07:46

If this ended up being our only holiday of the year, then I'd put my foot down if it's not going to be hugely enjoyable.

My parents used to insist we had to all go away once a year. Sounds lovely, and it was nice, however they always made sure they got the big luxury bedroom with en suite etc, meaning that on a few occasions we had to share with our children - we obviously don't expect them to share with them, but for a few years it was our only holiday of the year, and we wanted a holiday! Not a nice time for the grandparents, with our feelings irrelevant.

We wouldn't have minded if we had time/had the money for a second holiday, we would have sucked it up then, but we couldn't always and so we managed to reduce the expectation of doing it yearly which is much better.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 11/01/2023 07:48

I might find some money to pay towards PIL having a weekend away in a nice hotel or a special place for them. But no way would I be interested in going with them, or the extended family.
As pp say, it is their anniversary, let them have a ‘romantic ‘ weekend away. Without you.

ShippingNews · 11/01/2023 07:49

I wouldn't know what date my PIL had their anniversary . Why on earth should anyone with no savings have to spend thousands on someone else's anniversary. Crazy.

Twiglets1 · 11/01/2023 08:11

YANBU.
Obviously it’s nice to mark their anniversary I’m done way but what’s wrong with a family meal in a nice restaurant where their restaurant bill is paid for by the working adults?

Twiglets1 · 11/01/2023 08:12

Drr… in some way!

Overandunderit · 11/01/2023 08:16

Let's not assume what older people want. My dad's a pensioner and would love that idea.

That being said it's unreasonable to skint yourself or feel the need to match BIL. What's wrong with a party at home? food, cake some presents all the family around. It can be special for a fraction of the price.

Cattenberg · 11/01/2023 09:47

AIBU not to spend £1,500 on an anniversary present? No, of course not! Surely treating the PILs to a meal (or a family party at home) would be enough. Paying for them to have a weekend away, as a couple, would be more than generous.

My parents recently celebrated their ruby wedding anniversary and told us not to get them a present. They’re port drinkers, so I gave them a bottle of ruby port and my sister took them at their word and didn’t get them anything. They’re not the type to want a party, and I offered to treat them to a meal out, but they declined. My parents would be genuinely horrified if we spent thousands on them, especially as we can’t comfortably afford it.

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