To not send my child to the best grammar?

[Incaspider]

My child is academically gifted and has passed the 11plus with enough points to go to a super selective grammar in kent.
However, he is autistic and struggles massively in busy environments. The grammar is a 6 form entry with 30 per class.

My options are to send him to the grammar because academia is his "thing". Or to send him to a much smaller, private school which is far less academic but also less stressful for him as they only have 30 per year and that is divided into at least 2 groups for each subject.

I can't work out where he'll do best!

If you can afford private can't you look at a different private school with better results? The grammar doesn't sound ideal for him, but what does he think?

Where does he want to go?

I did well academically and was forced by my mother, completely against my will, to attend a grammar school. I saw literally all the friends I'd made at primary school going off to the same comp together and felt like an outsider for many years afterwards.

I even tried to fail the entrance exam on purpose but the result of that was me
being in the bottom sets for maths and English in my first year which just made things worse!

I can honestly say that it psychologically affected me and left scars. It took until I was into my 30s before I realised and understood the many ways it affected me and my personality.

So it's not a decision to be made lightly.

That doesn't seem massive to me! My sons junior school has 5 classes a year!

Only you know where your child will do. A child will only learn where they are happy and school isn't only about academics. There must be more private options nearby that give you a better balance?

What is the SEN support like at the grammar? Do they get other autistic boys and have a record of helping them achieve? How easy is it to get into the private school if he starts at the grammar and doesn't like it there? Also which school does he prefer?

Sorry bit busy so just a barrage of questions from me. The sort I would use to help me make the decision.

You'll probably find there is a higher proportion of high functioning neurodivergent children at grammar school than anywhere else.

If the private is capable of good results then it sounds like that might suit him better.
Probably not so many with grammar capable children choose the private, so their results might just reflect their usual intake.

It may be stressful with 30 kids but it’s a grammar school, not a school rough school. The kids will be much better behaved than your average state school so that should make up for the extra people?

There's a similar sized super selective grammar near me (not Kent) and it's well known that there are a good number of ASD/Asperger's children there.

We moved ours out of a more academic school for similar reasons. It's surviving vs thriving. They are now actually growing up and developing social skills which had been falling further and further behind for years.

But sometimes the risk is worth the reward, and that's a very personal decision.

You'd need to be confident that the small school is right for him though. Private schools can put quite high expectations round social demands, PE, homework, conformity, and even if they profess they are good with anxiety, they don't always "get it". They can also decide your child is not welcome at any time - if he is too much trouble they can just stop taking your money.

What does he want? It’s easier to switch from a competitive grammar school to an uncompetitive private school than the other way around. If I were you, I’d go grammar with a view to move if needed - unless he has a strong opinion either way.

If it's 6 form entry I would wager they are very used to dealing with children who have addition needs and or SEN.

Does.m the private school have a track record in teaching children with autism?

Also what does your son want to do? He might actually prefer the grammar and find his tribe there which to be honest is much more likely than the within the smaller cohort at the private school.

Hi OP, I think you'd be best speaking to SENCO at each school and also perhaps taking your DS for a visit to each and getting his opinion?

FWIW, I am NT and thrived at a largish super-academic Kent grammar. I really enjoyed the quality of the teaching and the extra-curricular stuff - it was super high-quality and exciting, and it pushed me towards uni at Cambridge, which I also really loved.

But even given my experience I don't think I could offer an opinion on what will suit your DS best - I think you need to speak to the schools and involve your DS so that he feels some buy-in to the decision. Best of luck!

If he struggles in busy environments he would like be happier in a smaller schools. However the question is whether this small private school will challenge him enough academically?

It’s not simply a question of whether the schools have SEN provision, it’s whether DS can cope with him anyway.

I'd go with where he wants to go

Small private school:
Does it have SOME kids achieving very well academically? You don't care whether everyone in his class gets high grades - just him - so if the average results are lower it may not matter.
Are there enough kids that he will find a like-minded friend? In a grammar school, it's likely that there will be others on his wavelength, both academically and neurologically. With only 30, maybe no - although it will depend a lot on the intake. If it's mainly kids who failed the 11+, I'd guess less likely.
Is the range of GCSE subjects restricted by the small numbers?
Do they tend to have spaces available further up the school? If so, that makes it easier to take the option of seeing how the grammar goes and moving him later if necessary?

Grammar:
Talk to the Senco. What provision is there for those with autism? How well do they cope?

A six-form grammar doesn't sound all that large for a secondary, really. And many secondaries have ways of feeling smaller - sometimes they're divided into two halves, or have staggered lunchtimes, etc, - and the classes themselves are usually still only 30. So it's mostly break times, class changeover times, arrivals etc that are the busy times. It coud be worth asking each school how they could make that easier for him if it's a problem - perhaps moving classes a minute or two early; having somewhere to go during lunch and break (e.g., SEN retreat room or the like). A larger school might have more of that available, in fact, and they might have more clubs suitable for that type of child that he could go to during lunch or break to get away from the crowds. A small school can make it very hard to find like-minded friends, especially for a very academic child. He might be less overwhelmed by noise, but more isolated. He might really find his niche and thrive at the grammar, by being academically successful, if you/they can find ways to help him deal with the busy environment or other challenges.

OP needs to talk to both schools about SEN provision, she doesn’t say what, if any, the private school has.

OP, I see this as a fairly straight forward answer to be honest. Based on what you know of the schools in question, which one will your son most likely thrive in? If it's the private school, forget about results of the grammar school because if he's happy, settled and has his needs met, alongside his natural academic talent, he'll do brilliantly.

Never underestimate the impact of being settled and most importantly, happy, on a child. So so many gifted children do not go on to achieve greater success later on in life (something many parents on other areas of MN don't understand at all), in fact many of them struggle with the weight of expectation and aren't taught that intelligence alone can in most areas only take you so far in life.

We have this as adults in our jobs where feeling challenged whilst being valued and supported has a much closer correlation to achieving our potential then being pushed to work harder and compete with others constantly.

Well the SEN provision is pretty important to be fair. Yes he find noisy busy environments a challenge but if the private school is not used to catering for children like him he may find that environment challenging too but in a different way.

The liklihood is the grammar are very used to children like the OPs son so despite the challenges of the busy environment they will be better placed to support him.

I would talk to the SENCO at both schools you are considering. The local grammar told us they would put in no support whatsever for our ds with autism (ignoring completely the fact he had an EHCP). Strangely, enough we did not send ds1 there. On the plus he did very well at a non-academic school that did support his SEN so I don't think we made the wrong choice for him.

I would see both and see where your son feels comfortable.. I chose not to enter my academic dd for 11+ ( we are in a non grammar area but border a grammar area and she would probably have got in even with distance weighting) . She is very much a carrot rather than stick child and I felt might crumble with the sustained pressure to achieve at grammar, she is instead thriving at our non selective community college.

Which is why I said OP needs to talk to both about SEN provision.

Just because the grammar has SEN provision doesn’t mean DS will be able to cope with it. ASD is a spectrum after all.

I know a couple of kids with ASD who have thrived at grammars. They perhaps have still remained a bit socially isolated but have loved the maths and other academic subjects. This is just anecdotal but don’t rule the grammar out yet. Let him get a feel of the place and decide.