To not send my child to the best grammar?

[Incaspider]

My child is academically gifted and has passed the 11plus with enough points to go to a super selective grammar in kent.
However, he is autistic and struggles massively in busy environments. The grammar is a 6 form entry with 30 per class.

My options are to send him to the grammar because academia is his "thing". Or to send him to a much smaller, private school which is far less academic but also less stressful for him as they only have 30 per year and that is divided into at least 2 groups for each subject.

I can't work out where he'll do best!

Private. My ASD ADHD DD13 is flourishing with the small class sizes.

My money is on him doing even better because the small private schools usually have a lot better pastoral care AND he may need some tuition around context for English literature etc

Mine is clever but really struggled with stuff like poetry so the additional attention has helped enormously.

She is less exhausted because it's not as noisy and not masking as much.

I had much the same issue and opted for the smaller class sizes. Ds is happy and growing in confidence.

He'll do well enough at exams, for me his happiness was more important than 3 A*

Thinking back, ds did taster days at 5 schools and he chose the small independent.
Another of my concerns was the grammar was HUGE - 1700 pupils, when his primary had only been 120 in total.

I'd speak to the SENCO at each and find out what support they can actually offer him. With only 30 in the year I'd be concerned GCSE options may be a bit limited in the private school, and there's a possibility he doesn't find his tribe/is the only ND child there (not necessarily an issue but a large school will have more experience of supporting ND children).
Presumably he doesn't completely crumble under pressure if he passed the exam. My ND DD is a few years off yet, and things can change, but despite her being very bright there is no one she'd be able to cope with the pressure of even sitting the exam, never mind once she's there. The local comprehensive, on the other hand, has some of the best SEN support I've ever seen.

Look up the support offered to neurodiverse students at the grammar. I would guess they are up to speed.

30 pupils in each year group is a small field of opportunity to find a friend. And probably too small to offer a wide range of subjects in the curriculum. Lack of friends or academic opportunity could turn out to be a lifetime mistake.

A good grammar school should not be too rowdy; and he'll enjoy the breadth of intellectual stimulation/opportunity. Its a large enough school they will have other pupils with autism, and support in place for them.

I'd let him try the grammar school. If it doesn't work out, then you still have other options.

It’s not really about being rowdy though it’s simply that a normal sized school with a normal amount of bustle can be too much for some ASD kids. ASD is such a wide spectrum and every single child is different - some are ok in mainstream school with SEN provision and some aren’t.

I know people who went to tutorial colleges and made very good friends there - they don’t even have years there they simply have class groups.

DS will presumably have friends from primary school and the local neighbourhood.

This . I’d also be worried that a school with an intake of 30 per year group is financially unsustainable and it’s also a very small pool for finding friends .

Tutorial colleges have comparatively small numbers of students but they flourish nonetheless.

What did put on the application form that you completed in October?

If DC has passed the 11+ they are in year 6 and waiting for allocations day in March.

If you are having second thoughts that's fine, but why not say so? OTOH if you are a journo looking for crap experiences at Grammer off you pop.

6 classes per year isn't huge tbh. I also think there will be a lot of children who are quiet and hardworking.

I would try him there first & then move him to private if it doesn't work out. You won't be able to get the place back at the grammar.

I would also speak to them to ask how they deal with children like your son.

Only you know your child and the advantages and disadvantages of the schools.

We chose private for my autistic but bright son.

We are not in a grammar area but our choice was between a large comp which is very academic, gets great results, etc. And a smaller private where the results are if anything less strong. The SENCO at the comp was clueless and overworked (not her fault, she was the only one for a school of 1700). The SENCO at the private is committed to doing the best for the children, proactive and clued up. There are 15 kids per class at the private school, and about 500 kids total. For all these reasons we chose the private school. It has definitely been the right choice for him.

Obviously you know your own child and difficult to say without knowing where on that very broad spectrum he is, however, I know quite a few neurodiverse children at superselective grammars that a thriving . If you're West Kent feel free to message me as I know loads of boys at J&S plus a number at private schools.

I think you should ring the grammar school and ask them. I have twins who both passed and I rang all the local grammars - they all said that there tends to be more autistic children at grammars and they have extra support etc. But its also a good place for him to meet other kids he has things in common with. Personally, (and I moved one of my children to private after a year in grammar) you have to remember that part of the attraction for privates is the social side - I think you might be setting him up to fail as he might struggle with socialising. You also have to remember that not everyone passes the grammar school exam - the kids that do tend to be studious - I think you are going 30 kids is noisy...30 kids wanting to learn is not noisy.

Thank you for all the replies. Some have really resonated with me and are helping me clarify my thoughts.

I wanted to pm this one but can't work out how to do it!

We are in west Kent. The schools is J and private one is S. Please could you pm me?

Sorry can I just add - my twins went to different grammars but both grammars kept the kids in the same class group for two years and they just moved different classrooms for the different subjects because in theory they should all be good at each subject - it made it easier for the kids to bond. When my daughter move to a private she suddenly had to be streamed and make new friends for each class - which was good for her but due to her social skills much harder and took her three years to get the same bond with others that she did in the grammar school in 12 months.

Does he have an EHCP? If not, can you afford to pay to get one done privately before he starts?

Behaviour is generally very good at the top grammar's and if he has paperwork that state she can eg leave the room if it becomes too loud etc then he may be fine with it.

I take it he will want to go to uni? Might be worth him getting used to bigger class sizes, if so.

I'd also consider getting him to take the entry exam for the private school then having it as a back up if he didn't settle at the grammar.

I’d go with the grammar and see how he gets on. You can always switch to private later but can’t switch the other way round.

I’d worry that the private school wouldn’t be able to meet his needs academically.

Also there are lots of DC with autism in grammar schools. He might really find his tribe there.

OP - to privately message a poster, click on the 3 dots in the bottom right of their post, then click on PM.

My ASD son is thriving at 5 form entry grammar. Grammars have lots of bright ND kids so they will usually be pretty experienced with kids like your son - phone them and ask.
In contrast, the private sounds tiny. It will be really hard to find his tribe in such a small pool. I also think he might become academically quite frustrated if the rest if the class are working at a different level to him. There aren't enough kids to set, and there won't be much choice in subjects with such a small year group.

He doesn't have an EHCP. How can I pay to get one done privately? I didn't know that was possible.
Thank you for replying.

You can't pay for an EHCP privately. It's a document issued by your local authority. You can ask the LA to assess his needs and, if they agree, to issue an EHCP. It doesn't cost anything but it usually takes a lot of blood sweat and tears, and sometimes tribunal hearings!

Not sure how helpful my reply will be but my DD, who is 15 and now in Year 10, is currently in a super/selective grammar school. DD is blind and is also diagnosed with autism and ADHD, among other disabilities. DD is doing really well and is predicted all 7-9 grades for her GCSEs. DD has struggled massively with the friendship side of things (she has none at school). A peer is at a private school (fees £16K a year) and the support and provision just seems so much better.

I know someone who made this same decision 6-8 years ago, they even made a big house move to be near the small private school.
(im actually even wondering if it’s the same schools). They are so glad they did it. Their DC got great A levels and is in a top university. They just felt the grammar would be too high pressure.

Both my sons went to Grammar School in West Kent ,a brilliant school and definitely one is ND even though I didn’t recognise it . Cannot speak highly enough about the school.
The pastoral care excellent and can honestly say that both my sons never had one day without coming home happy.
Both went to great University’s and are now in their 20s both doing the jobs they hoped for .