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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give child a snack before bed?

89 replies

raspberryjuiceandpompoms · 09/01/2023 22:18

My DH and I just had a fall out. DH really lovely, hands on father, he’s kind and he’s patient. However, our parenting styles vary. Of course I know I’m not always right so I’d like to know what you all think. Anyway, my DH had a proper go at me for giving our DC a snack before bed (by snack I mean a bowl of porridge). In my opinion, no child should go to bed hungry. DH thinks that DS is playing me and that I’m spoiling him. DS didn’t like his dinner so he ate only 1/2 of it, so naturally he was hungry. There was 3h window between dinner and bed and DS decided to ask for food right before it was time to brush his teeth. DH said I’m spoiling DS (who is 5) and he should learn to eat what he’s given and there should be no food after dinner. DS is very sporty, he eats like a horse and he’s a healthy bmi. He ate the full bowl of porridge. AIBU to give my child a snack before bed or should he learn a lesson indeed? Also, does it really matter when and how much a child eats as long as it’s healthy and their tummy is full and happy?

YABU - children should eat eat what they are given, there should be 3 meals a day with a small snack anything extra is spoiling them

YANBU - as long as children are eating healthily they can decide themselves what they fancy eating and when to snack

OP posts:

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/01/2023 23:26

Mumofoneson5 · 09/01/2023 22:29

I think this attitude is boarderline abusive. Forcing the eating of food or not giving food shouldn’t be punishment.

Has he never sat down to eat dinner, felt a bit off so left some and had some toast before bed? If so he’s being very unreasonable. Let your child self regulate their food intake, it’s not like they’re asking for a midnight Mars bar either.

Couldn't agree more. Porridge, banana, yoghurt or a plain biscuit or cracker, and a small glass of milk, any of these would be a perfect supper for a child.

comeon2023 · 09/01/2023 23:26

YANBU. 1 piece of good advice i had from a children's dietician, if you think your child often needs a bedtime snack, make it part of the routine every night. It's better to just offer it as part of the bedtime routine than make it conditional on eating/not eating/only eating half of dinner. We do readybrek or toast with peanut butter every evening

Jadviga · 09/01/2023 23:27

I'm kind of in between you and your DH. I tell my kids that dinner is what's in their plate, if they don't want to eat it that's their choice but they're getting nothing else.

However I've been known to cave if they ask for a healthy snack instead (turns out DS quite likes apples) and it requires no cooking and no effort.

On that basis I'd probably have said no to porridge (requires cooking, washing up, etc), but yes to an apple or a banana.

In the end it's just a different parenting style. I wouldn't have been happy if porridge just before bed meant pushing back bedtime significantly though.

As an aside 3h between dinner and bed sounds very long. If I were you, and in order to avoid such issues in the future, I'd push back dinner. My kids usually have dinner around 19h-19h30 and then bed between 20h-21h.

DuplicateUserName · 09/01/2023 23:50

Mind you, thinking about it I agree with the PP who said a full bowl of porridge isn't a snack, is it? That's an actual meal.

I'm not saying he shouldn't have eaten it as he was hungry, due to not eating his dinner.

But a 'snack' it certainly isn't.

Original poster

raspberryjuiceandpompoms · 10/01/2023 08:10

Thanks everyone for commenting! I think the issue we have is the routine and his growing appetite. Seeing how many children have supper before bed I think I will start offering it to DS as part of our routine before we get to brushing teeth stage. I agree that eating too close to bedtime is probably not the best idea. I do still think though that refusing food is damaging to child’s relationship with food and therefore even if DS is playing up before bed it’s better to offer some food.
I think it’s fair to say we had different upbringing. My family were always very relaxed with mealtimes and meals. DH however has a strict mother so it’s something that’s ingrained in his mind that children should have set mealtimes. I did tell him that he occasionally has a toast himself before bed if he’s still hungry haha

OP posts:

Onnabugeisha · 10/01/2023 08:31

The biggest issue is the eat what you’re given or go hungry attitude/rule.
Have set mealtimes is actually better than the eat when you want chaos.
What the DC eat should be flexible, and yes you can add in an evening snack if you wish, but it shouldn’t be a replacement dinner or second dinner.

Unhappyandunsure · 10/01/2023 08:35

I am not sure it is a great idea just as it could become a habit, and possibly could be a bedtime delay tactic. But you know your own child and if he usually eats well and this is a one off I don't see an issue.

SallyWD · 10/01/2023 08:39

My son eats like a bird and is very skinny. He sometimes asks for a snack before bed and gets it. I want to get all the calories I can inside him! I agree that your son shouldn't go to bed hungry.

whataboutsecondbreakfast · 10/01/2023 08:41

Would it not make more sense to give him dinner later, rather than start offering a snack before bed every night?

Three hours between dinner and bed, plus 11-12 hours sleep before breakfast is a long time to expect a child to go without food.

Dinner an hour before bed would make much more sense to me.

Fragrantandfoolish · 10/01/2023 08:47

I think that food should never be a battle ground. It leads to life long issues

your husband is being very short sighted, he needs to learn to parent better, to think about the impacts of his decisions. No one should feel forced to eat what they don’t want or don’t like.

Teaching a child they need to or they will be hungry is awful. He needs to step up and teach his child how to better regulate. Yes it takes more effort than both of you currently do now, which is two extremes, but good parenting takes effort

on the flip side I don’t feel your approach is good either. Why did neither of you realise your child was that hungry. So hungry they had to ask and ate a full bowl of porridge?

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/01/2023 09:05

I’d never let my child go to bed hungry, sometimes they want something for supper and will be offered toast/cereal or a crumpet. Sometimes they don’t want anything and that’s ok too. My DS in particular can be funny about eating and is underweight so if he’s asking for food I’ll gladly give him something.

Tohaveandtohold · 10/01/2023 09:14

Even if your child finished their dinner, 3 hours is a long time between dinner and bed time so I would expect giving them a snack or supper is ideal. My children sometimes have yoghurt, weetabix, or similar if they had dinner early so YANBU

grievinggirlneedsadvice · 10/01/2023 09:24

A three hour gap is huge and as an adult I would certainly have a snack before bed if I was hungry otherwise I'd have a huge headache in the morning!
I definitely think a bowl of porridge is a great idea- I usually go for toast with peanut butter, banana for my three year old when they ask. They don't always ask, so I know when they do they are hungry and there's no way I'm denying my hungry child food for the sake of it, which in the cold light of day is what your partner wants to do.

Cuppasoupmonster · 10/01/2023 09:26

I think that food should never be a battle ground. It leads to life long issues

what kind of issues? Do you mean kids should eat what they want when they want?

snowlolo · 10/01/2023 09:42

A 5 year old doesn't really have the concept of time developed enough to be able to control their appetite and to truly understand that if they don't eat their dinner they will be hungry in 3 hours before bed.

If he was 7 or 8 I might feel differently, but at 5 I think your DH is demanding/ expecting too much of him. YANBU.

Appleblum · 10/01/2023 09:46

As a one off it's ok but it wouldn't be a habit I'd want to encourage.

RainandIce · 10/01/2023 09:49

Not seeing what the problem is with some porridge before bed.

It's not as if you fed him a load of sweets.

Going to bed hungry is not something I'd be forcing on my child, I don't see how that's a lesson? If you don't like something then you don't. I'm an adult and there is certain food I don't like, why is it not okay a child has preferences?

OrdinaryAva · 10/01/2023 09:55

Seeing as it was only 3 hours since his last meal he’ll hardly starve, & If he’d been that hungry he would’ve eaten his dinner.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 10/01/2023 09:55

I'm not quite sure why we are so strict with kids. Unless they are over weight. Why does it matter? We have a snack when we fancy it. And to be honest a lot of kids are better at regulating themselves than most adults! Adults drink alcohol with god knows how much sugar. Chocolate, crisps, biscuits and hardly move. Most kids spend the day running around and can't sit still and we tell them you can't have anything before bed....

This is the cause of many bad food relationships in my opinion!

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 10/01/2023 09:57

Also we don't force adults to eat something they don't like... I mean. Yes they should try it. But don't force them to eat the whole plate. If you didn't like it I am sure you would leave it and get something else...

EndlessRain1 · 10/01/2023 10:00

YANBU.

Battling about food and the whole "if you don't eat your dinner you'll go to bed hungry" is so old school. He is getting porridge not a big slice of cake.

evemillbank · 10/01/2023 10:02

Mine know (5 yrs old) that if it's after dinner or after bath then if they are hungry they can have milk and breadsticks. That's the only option. It's fine.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 10/01/2023 10:03

Passthecake30 · 09/01/2023 22:21

I think if it was something plain and boring (like porridge!) and obviously not a treat after not eating their dinner, then it’s fine. I did teach mine fairly early on that if they wanted a snack they had to ask by a certain time, otherwise tough luck. My dp would moan if I gave into them when it was bedtime but ok other than that.

I agree with this. Porridge is fine if they are hungry, I'd only worry about creating a habit (for you)

LemonDrizzles · 10/01/2023 10:14

We do dinner, pudding, and then biscuits and milk.

Dc1 went through a phase of wanting to eat just before bed at age 3. 2 schools of thought (1) delaying sleep tactic by child (2) child could be genuinely hungry ((3... Always could be a combo, or something else entirely)

We had this a few nights ago btw with dc2. She was then told she wasn't allowed pre bed snack (age 3). Seems to work - she now eats biscuits/milk before going upstairs (who knows how long this will last though...)

Kids know their own hunger but we all need some structure. It helps shape the night into comfortable patterns for a restful sleep.

All the best

purpledalmation · 10/01/2023 10:50

Provided it's not a sweet treat, which is only a reward for not eating his dinner, it's absolutely a good idea. Being hungry affects sleeping.

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