Intrusive Thoughts (Trigger Warning)

[NavyCurtains]

Posting here for traffic. Didn't get many responses in the Mental Health group.

NC for this.

Since the birth of my daughter two years ago, I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts. This is extremely difficult for me to talk about as the thoughts make me feel ..just so wrong. I am even struggling to type this post, out of fear of being judged. The thoughts are often (trigger warning) violence / sexual violence towards children, mainly my daughter. I don't know where the thoughts come from but they make me feel sick and disturbed as well as feeling shame and guilt. Sometimes, I have to close my eyes tight and literally shake my head, like I'm shaking the thoughts away. I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that these thoughts are not things I want, that I am a good person, a good mother, I love my daughter dearly and I would never let any harm come to her.
But why do the thoughts come? How do I stop them? They haunt me and I hate that my mind is responsible for thinking up such awful thoughts. They make me sad. The shame and guilt is massive and it's starting to make me miserable.

Another, similar issue I have at the moment is that I keep recalling horrible memories. I work for an emergency service and have seen some horrific things. An example (trigger warning).. I was shown some grafic images of a kitten being abused and it was very evident that it suffered a prolonged, painful death. I saw those images about 10 years ago and, like the intrusive thoughts, they randomly pop into my head and make me feel sick. I'm wondering if this might be a form of PTSD?

Is there anyone going through similar? I would really appreciate some advice on how to make these thoughts stop, or how you manage them. I have only recently confided in one family member, but was too ashamed to go into detail about the nature of the thoughts.

That's very selective editing on your part @Eyesopenwideawake .

Here's the full article you quoted www.ocduk.org/ocd/pure-o/

They only don't recognise the term because there are different types of compulsions with Pure O. So no tapping, no rituals that are unconnected to the intrusive thoughts. Instead the compulsions take the form of checking or related actions- fear of dying of flu, constant hand washing but with the absence of the ritual, the "magical thinking" - I must turn on the left tap with my right hand, and the right tap with my left hand, I must pump the soap dispenser three times, I must count to 30 as I soap my hands in a certain way etc.

This is what Pure O compulsions look like (from the same article you quoted)...

Examples of physical compulsions include checking (various types of checking, from checking on Google to checking for own body reactions/sensations), seeking reassurance from loved ones or avoidance of particular objects, places or people that trigger obsessional thoughts. Watching movies of an adult nature to check if there is arousal. They’re all compulsions (mental or physical), which is why the term ‘Pure O’ is both unhelpful and imprecise.
It’s unhelpful because a person suffering with OCD might fail to recognise their own symptoms (compulsions) hindering their recovery.
Summary
In summary, what we’re saying is that ‘Pure O’ is like any other form of OCD, it will involve both obsessions and compulsions, and treatment approaches would be no different. A person doesn’t need a ‘Pure O’ specialist, ‘Pure O’ would be treated using standard traditional treatment methods, the same that are used for every other type of OCD.
So, no unrelated ritual tapping to ward off danger like you experienced with your OCD but similar to my close friend with OCD who also had awful sexual intrusive thoughts and was treated with anti anxiety medication.

It's disingenuous of you to tell OP that her symptoms are not related to OCD simply because they differ to your own ritualistic symptoms. As the article you quoted says "Pure O’ is like any other form of OCD".

Only a GP can signpost the OP to a specialist, but plenty of posters here are saying her intrusive thoughts are similar to their own, and they have been diagnosed with OCD as per the article you quoted.

@NavyCurtains how are you getting on? I have exactly these types of thoughts. CBT has made them manageable and I only occasionally have bad days. Try not to engage in reassurance seeking on the internet, because that only made me feel worse and ask more questions, it was never ending. You will get there, these thoughts show you the worst possible thing you could think of happening to your children, anxiety is there for protection and doesn’t know when it isn’t needed. Just accept the thought for what it is, a thought. An amazing book I read while awaiting CBT was overcoming unwanted intrusive thoughts. You are definitely not alone, you can always message me
if you ever need to chat xx

Hi OP, I wondered how you are doing now? I could have written your post (expect the working in an emergency department bit) and I’m 2.5 years in and just live most days in fear of the thoughts. I wondered if you found any help for it

I have this! It is horrible and I feel so guilty for feeling this way I know it is because of the ocd and my anxiety but it’s so hard telling yourself that when you feel the shame you do for feeling it! I also know that it’s the thing you want to happen the least. I’ve spoken to my doctor and have been referred to therapy so I’m hoping that will help but I’m so scared of been judged although I know they will come across this a lot. Just know your not alone it helps me reading these knowing other people are in the same boat and there’s nothing wrong with us!

You are a good person and a good mum. You would not feel guilty or be posting on here for advice otherwise. Of course you know you would never harm your child ♥️ x And you 100% won't. Sounds very distressing. It's exactly that intrusive thoughts , could be linked to ptsd from what you saw, depression, a form of OCD. Might be a good idea to talk to someone professionally?
I had this with my first born I kept getting these horrible thoughts that I would break his toes, Of course I would never ever have done that and I never ever harmed him . I talked to my husband about it and he said he was glad I mentioned it as he was experiencing similar thoughts. After that it just seemed to go away on its own.sometimes now if I get a random thought I just say fuck off and grt on with something else. I know I'm a good person and would never hurt anyone

Yeah, this is ocd.
Ocd is an anxiety disorder.
Your brain focuses on these themes precisely because they are abhorrent to you - if they had no power to shock you, your anxiety would not even have responded to the thoughts.

I really sympathise op, it's like being tortured by your brain all day and night. It's exhausting.

You need to make sure you get a referral from your GP. Don't be afraid of starting ssris, they help. You might find the book 'imp of the mind' helpful.