Intrusive Thoughts (Trigger Warning)

[NavyCurtains]

Posting here for traffic. Didn't get many responses in the Mental Health group.

NC for this.

Since the birth of my daughter two years ago, I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts. This is extremely difficult for me to talk about as the thoughts make me feel ..just so wrong. I am even struggling to type this post, out of fear of being judged. The thoughts are often (trigger warning) violence / sexual violence towards children, mainly my daughter. I don't know where the thoughts come from but they make me feel sick and disturbed as well as feeling shame and guilt. Sometimes, I have to close my eyes tight and literally shake my head, like I'm shaking the thoughts away. I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that these thoughts are not things I want, that I am a good person, a good mother, I love my daughter dearly and I would never let any harm come to her.
But why do the thoughts come? How do I stop them? They haunt me and I hate that my mind is responsible for thinking up such awful thoughts. They make me sad. The shame and guilt is massive and it's starting to make me miserable.

Another, similar issue I have at the moment is that I keep recalling horrible memories. I work for an emergency service and have seen some horrific things. An example (trigger warning).. I was shown some grafic images of a kitten being abused and it was very evident that it suffered a prolonged, painful death. I saw those images about 10 years ago and, like the intrusive thoughts, they randomly pop into my head and make me feel sick. I'm wondering if this might be a form of PTSD?

Is there anyone going through similar? I would really appreciate some advice on how to make these thoughts stop, or how you manage them. I have only recently confided in one family member, but was too ashamed to go into detail about the nature of the thoughts.

Hi, please speak to your GP. I’m so sorry you are suffering with this. It’s hellish. I don’t think you are any risk to your daughter.

I had OCD and intrusive thoughts 9 years ago. I was an absolute wreck. I took citalopram and had CBT therapy and it made a massive difference.

best wishes for recovery. And you will recover

PLEASE don't go down the rabbit hole of assuming intrusive thoughts are a sign of OCD on the basis of a few posts. OCD is linked to intrusive impulses and rituals, not thoughts. They are normal and are not indicative of any mental illness. See the video I linked earlier.

Not read the responses to see if this has been mentioned but I am extremely knowledgeable on OCD. No matter what the thoughts make you fear they say NOTHING about you as a person. You receive intrusive thoughts as alarm signals from your brain when you're in a state of anxiety in your nervous system. The thoughts can come as visual images, false memories, thoughts, urges ( completely different to urges we feel in normal day to day life ) and statements as opposed to 'what if' questions. The reason is because your nervous system believes for whatever reason you're under threat of danger. It explores things that disturb you most via parts of your brain you're not in control of. It is not your fault and nothing to do with your character. Lots of people experience a loss of self when suffering with OCD as you're in this chronic state of disgust and fear all the time and your actual personality is basically on a time out. Also, our subconscious is wired to follow patterns of thinking and a big change such as a new person to look after or responsibility can shake that and cause and OCD flare up. This isn't forever I promise. Please look up Ali Greymond on YouTube, Nathan Peterson on You Tube and get the app 'nocd'. Worth googling a brain scan of an ocd brain vs a healthy brain also. I know it's lonely but you will be okay I promise. Before I was an OCD expert ( who now gives all of my free time up to helping those suffering) I was crippled by it. I can't even remember how OCD felt anymore as my brain is back to normal, you will get there too. If you ever need help please message me, OCD isolates us so much but it's so much more common than you think. Praying for your recovery.

I can identify with this 100%, including the sexual/violent thoughts towards my child. This only ever began once I'd had my son and it was terrifying. I remember thinking things like whaybwoild happen now if I pushed the pram infront of a car ornifni drove my car into that tree etc. It freaked me out. I was way too ashamed to discuss it with anyone and like you, I would need to shake my head literally to try to stop the thoughts.

I never sought help for it as it gradually eased up and I also began to read things about intrusive thoughts and Pure O. I also would never in the world consider myself someone with OCD but I don't care about what umbrella term it comes under, I I was just glad I was normal and this was a relatively "common" thing.

I've experienced intrusive thoughts for a few years. It's been horrific in the past but i cope much better now. I read about a technique once which I found really helpful. I'm not actually sure whether it's a technique recommended by therapists or if someone just made it up. Basically you accept the thought and 'let it in' rather than try to block it out. But change the frightening part of it to something similar but not scary. Eg change being threatened with a knife to competing in a fencing tournament. Change drowning in the sea to having an exciting ride on a dolphin. I know it sounds crazy but it honestly works.

Never heard of this but what an excellent tip! Thank you for sharing. Hope it helps the Op it sounds great a bit like reframing it in your head

Hi, I am a psychologist and cannot emphasise just how common intrusive thoughts like these are. I also work in a psychology service for emergency services/nhs/social care staff - your local health board should have a similar service if you fall within any of these remits. Please don’t be too scared to reach out and get support with this - it’s what these services are there to do. Take care x

Pure O is OCD without the compulsions and rituals (that ward off the bad thoughts).

It's worth a Google to understand before you decide it doesn't exist.

OCD is a widely misunderstood anxiety disorder. You hear "oh I'm a bit OCD, I can't rest unless the house is clean" and while mysophobia may form part of the intrusive thoughts "if I don't clean that then my Nan will die of Covid" it's the rituals that's linked to OCD . While cleaning something dirty may make sense if you fear germs, tapping walls, touching door handles, saying incantations to stop the harm happening logically won't make a difference to whether someone is harmed or not, but the compulsion to do it is overwhelming nonetheless.

Pure O is the same intrusive thoughts without the compulsive ritual behaviour - therefore there's no immediate relief for those who have it.

@2pence

I did Google it and www.ocduk.org says;

"‘Purely obsessional’ or ‘Pure O’ is a term commonly used to refer to a form of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder which people mistakenly believe has no outward compulsions and only features distressing internal intrusive thoughts.

But does ‘Pure O’ exist?
Well as an online term yes, but as a form of OCD, not really, it’s merely a phrase. It’s certainly not a medically listed term, and we will try and explain why we don’t consider it a separate form of OCD."

And "It’s for this reason that OCD-UK have chosen to not use the term, and proactively highlight how misleading it can be."

Hi. I think you are really brave to talk about what is happening for you and I am so pleased you’ve had supportive responses.

I really hope you are inspired to get some appropriate support. I know posters think you may have a particular issue (and they may be right!) but I’d encourage you to see someone and get a diagnosis prior to making a decision about treatment. There are people out there whose job it is to give you support without judging you and they will do that, just as has been done here.

If you are concerned about seeing your GP have a look at the docready website (www.docready.org.uk) where you can build a checklist to show the GP if words fail you at the appointment. It a a tool for discussing mental health and it might help you.

Take care of you and your little girl: both of you deserve for you to have the right support.

Oh OP - there is a lot more understanding of your condition now, & there IS help out there.

Yes, I think you are right in that PTSD plays a part, but the main symptoms you have described sound to me like it could be Pure O. It's described in this article by Bryony Gordon, a journalist & long-time sufferer - www.independent.ie/life/health-wellbeing/mental-health/bryony-gordon-how-i-walked-my-way-back-to-sanity-35366629.html

Here is the community group she founded, mentioned in the article - www.mentalhealthmates.co.uk/mhm-online/

She also wrote a book about her early struggles with OCD & Pure O. The intensity & distressing nature of her own O thoughts led her to years of alcohol & drug abuse in an attempt to mask her symptoms with a 'party girl' act. I haven't read it for years, but remember how honest & unflinching it is - it's also funny, & I suspect you might take comfort from it, as you'll find you are not alone with your intrusive thoughts & how debilitating they are -
www.amazon.co.uk/Mad-Girl-Bryony-Gordon-ebook/dp/B01ARZFOJO/ref=sr_1_2?qid=1673341682&refinements=p_27%3ABryony+Gordon&s=books&sr=1-2

Above all - you deserve help & support.
These thoughts say NOTHING about your personality or temperament: you have a condition, & there are ways of managing it which you can learn more about by following the links.
You are not alone.
Other people have found ways of alleviating their symptoms & reducing their distress.
Help is available, & you deserve to access it.

Just coming on to say that yes I have also suffered with intrusive throughts, and for me this was part of OCD. A lot are to do with learning to sit with and tolerate the anxiety that the thought gives you, without engaging in compulsions (could head shaking be a compulsion?) so that you will see nothing happens as a result of your thoughts.

Someone explained it by saying that everyone has unpleasant thoughts, but the OCD mind responds to these meaningless thoughts as a threat. We try and shut them out and that makes them worse as we get so anxious about them, when really they don't mean anything.

There are several types of therapy that help with OCD. When I got diagnosed I listened to 'The OCD Stories' podcast, which was very helpful.

I also take 100mg of Sertraline and have had CBT.

I strongly recommend trying to get therapy as it really helps.

It’s pretty much what @PleaseDontSayEvriIsMyCourier said. You’ve pictured something horrible and it’s made you very upset. Your brain has focused on your extreme emotion about it, and this has triggered it into thinking that this horrendous incident may actually occur. So it doesn’t let you stop thinking about it. I had horrendous intrusive thoughts that dominated my life for 3 or 4 years. I’d have 2/3 day anxiety attacks, couldn’t even sit and watch the tv at night because my brain would be racing with all these terrible thoughts about someone hurting my daughter. But I’m one of those people who flatly refuse to go to a doctors unless I think I’m dying. I ended up googling coping strategies and I read that while you shouldn’t try to stop the thoughts, you need to play them out in your head but take the emotion out of them. So the second one of the scenarios starts playing out in your head and you start getting tense/scared, immediately relax yourself, play out the scenario but without allowing yourself to feel anything about it (it isn’t that hard when you get the hang of it). You need to do this every time. It took me all of about 2 weeks of doing this, until I woke up one morning and they were gone. After all these years of suffering, they’d just stopped. Every now and then if I’m under a lot of stress they try to kick off again, but I apply the same technique as soon as I realise I’m doing it and they go away. I hope this helps you like it did me x

I had intrusive thoughts about me harming DD when she was a baby. They were fleeting and rare, but they happened and it was upsetting to find myself even thinking them becuase of course I loved her very very much and would never hurt her. Looking back, I am sure I had some kind of post natal anxiety and probably ought to have sought help (not for the instrusive thoughts alone, as they weren't often, but generally for anxiety).

Funnily enough, I don't think I have actually ever told anyone about them before now. I felt massively ashamed. So well done for talking about it, that shows strength.

I used to get these a lot when the kids were little.
After I while I would continue the thought to the ultimate outcome. So if I had a thought about something bad I'd complete the whole scenario instead of stopping it.
I found trying to stop it makes it worse and allowing it to happen takes out the fear and shame and you realise how ridiculous they are.
I used to think I'd throw my baby out the window. It would terrify me but then I thought well I'm not going to do that so go away.
Eventually it worked.

Mine involved tapping a set number of times after each intrusive image. Or a certain number of sets

You are absolutely not on your own with this, I had something similar with my youngest, I was convinced he was going to die a terrible death and the scenarios used to pop into my head. When he was about 2 I was diagnosed with PTSD from the birth, and had therapy and it helped enormously.

Basically, it was echoes of the fear of him dying around the birth that just carried on, my poor old brain was just glitching. Happy to report that it settled right down, and now I never even think about it, this just reminded me.

Get some help, see your GP, and find out if there are any postnatal groups locally that might be able to signpost you to support. There was one local to me that was an amazing charity, so worth doing some digging.

You're going to be ok, you are an amazing mum, that's why this is happening, you're Mum brain has just gone a bit overdrive, but it will get better with help.

Sending you love.

So sorry to hear you’re going through this. Intrusive thoughts are so difficult. I listened to this podcast about them recently and found it helpful: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-panic-pod/id1489050218?i=1000469714377

I watched a programme a few years back re mental health and one of the young men featured in it suffered terribly with these intrusive thoughts. He was devastated and it was so sad to watch. Since watching it, I often think of him and those thoughts are heartbreaking to me. I'd never heard of intrusive thoughts before then.

I suffer with intrusive thoughts also. Much more so since having a baby... he's 1 now. Mine are more like, imagining awful things like pushing the pram onto the train line. It's so disturbing that my brain comes up with these thoughts and i love him soo much and worry about him so much about coming to any harm. I do have some trust issues, I don't even trust anyone else to care for him. I am working on that and so far my mum has had him on her own and he will be starting nursery soon. I have a lot of mum friends that also have intrusive thoughts. sending you strength and you aren't alone. I hope you can find some help xx

See your GP. You need help for PND and OCD. Do not feel ashamed. Your brain is working overtime trying to protect your baby from any possible harm and the result is intrusive thoughts of all the bad things that can possibly happen - please do ask for support (drugs and therapy) and don't be embarrassed. It doesn't mean you aren't a good mum.

Thank you all so much for all your kind words and advice. Until I made this post and recieved all your responses, I had no idea intrusive thoughts were so common!
You have all made me realise that I am not alone and that there is help out there. I genuinely feel more relaxed today, like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders - especially after reading the comments reassuring me that I have these thoughts because my brain is trying to protect my precious girl from harm.
I have decided to make an appt with my GP as a starting point and see where that takes me in regards to possible therapy/medication.

Don't worry op you won't carry them out.

Just remember the expression don't believe everything you think.
Citalopram can help.

That's so good, OP.

I'm so pleased you posted. It was a brave thing to do. Every person like you that raises the question and shares their experience is helping another person who is living through what feels like a nightmare.

💕💕💕💕

Definitely sounds like OCD - I have the head shaking thing, it's the 'compulsion' part.

The gold standard for OCD treatment is Exposure Response Prevention Therapy. You can Google it.