Intrusive Thoughts (Trigger Warning)

[NavyCurtains]

Posting here for traffic. Didn't get many responses in the Mental Health group.

NC for this.

Since the birth of my daughter two years ago, I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts. This is extremely difficult for me to talk about as the thoughts make me feel ..just so wrong. I am even struggling to type this post, out of fear of being judged. The thoughts are often (trigger warning) violence / sexual violence towards children, mainly my daughter. I don't know where the thoughts come from but they make me feel sick and disturbed as well as feeling shame and guilt. Sometimes, I have to close my eyes tight and literally shake my head, like I'm shaking the thoughts away. I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that these thoughts are not things I want, that I am a good person, a good mother, I love my daughter dearly and I would never let any harm come to her.
But why do the thoughts come? How do I stop them? They haunt me and I hate that my mind is responsible for thinking up such awful thoughts. They make me sad. The shame and guilt is massive and it's starting to make me miserable.

Another, similar issue I have at the moment is that I keep recalling horrible memories. I work for an emergency service and have seen some horrific things. An example (trigger warning).. I was shown some grafic images of a kitten being abused and it was very evident that it suffered a prolonged, painful death. I saw those images about 10 years ago and, like the intrusive thoughts, they randomly pop into my head and make me feel sick. I'm wondering if this might be a form of PTSD?

Is there anyone going through similar? I would really appreciate some advice on how to make these thoughts stop, or how you manage them. I have only recently confided in one family member, but was too ashamed to go into detail about the nature of the thoughts.

Speak to your GP

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. A DF of mine had similar and she fortunately had a great GP who diagnosed her with PND. She had counselling that thankfully worked for her.

Do you feel that your GP could help you?

I had this. It’s a form of OCD. Watch this and don’t be ashamed. It’s called Pure O. m.youtube.com/watch?v=7JOkxXNIFhk
or Google Dr Phillipson, pure 0.

Have you spoken to a MH professional about these. Sometimes anxiety can cause intrusive thoughts, post partum anxiety is a huge problem for ladies that is only getting more and more prominent.

I have to say for me Lexapro stopped the intrusive thoughts and WEIRD nightmares!

Hi Navy,
I used to get disturbing instructive thoughts infact sometimes I still do. With me it was linked to OCD and it was a relief to hear that this wasn't unusual. I found all of this out through CBT and certainly wouldn't want to diagnose you with anything. You're not alone though and despite how weird you feel and ashamed of your thoughts you know you won't action them and that should give you peace.
I definitely recommend CBT though. It definitely helped me

I really don't want to say much but yes I do and I have had really disturbing dreams which I feel heartbroken about. I hope in time I will forget them but like the thoughts the memory randomly pops in my head. I have no idea what triggers them if anything but it's so sad. I love my son very much and wouldn't hurt a hair on his head.

I was told by a therapist that when you have intrusive thoughts, it's your brain showing you the exact opposite of what you actually want to happen. That helped me a bit.

Therapist here.

those types of intrusive thoughts are the most common we hear in OCD, if you track the content through history they follow society’s biggest taboos.

the main thing is you need to not react to them at all, just treat them as really boring and insignificant. If you try and block them out or neutralise them in any way they just feel worse.

it’s super common and treatable so please don’t worry. If you work for emergency services you might be able to access therapy through work, otherwise make an appt with your local IAPT service, you can self refer and don’t need to see a GP first or anything.

Can I ask @NavyCurtains & @Knockmealdowns do you / did you feel as if the thoughts were actually telling you to hurt a particular person eg. And you are / were constantly fighting the command to hurt that person??
Because I had the above problem and I'm now on a high dose of anti psychotics and the thoughts have stopped. My psychiatrist has diagnosed me with Schizoaffective disorder for mainly other reasons but I did tell him about the thoughts.
I am a very caring person and I found the thoughts very disturbing. I would not ever want to deliberately hurt anyone but I was terrified that I would give in to the thoughts.

Google Pure O (OCD without the compulsions/rituals) this sounds very much like this disorder. It's treatable through, there's hope! Help is out there, you don't need to keep suffering this way. Start with your GP.

This is a form of OCD. It can be triggered after having a child too and it can subside or not.
I have lived with what you describe my whole life. I went to the GP at 18 but had it from an extremely young age. I take medication for it which I am happy to talk about. You need to see you GP asap and remember there is nothing they haven't heard. Intrusive thoughts are just that, thoughts. I fully understand how terrifying they can be but the likelihood of you ever acting upon then are 0%. OCD is a horrible disorder but you can learn to live with it and once you understand the triggers / reasons you will hopefully be able to move on and learn how to live with it if not eliminate it. It could also be hormone related. I am so sorry you are experiencing this as I know how terrifying it feels. Stay strong and see the GP. Take someone with you and know that it's okay to cry xx

There are 3 or 4 of those videos be Dr Steven Phillipson. I second going to GP. www.ocduk.org/ocd/pure-o/ That Dr Phillipson reassured me that I wasn’t a danger to society despite the shitty thoughts in my head. This can be treated and discussed . Print out your relevant info and take it to GP. You appear to have insight which means you know the difference between the thought and the action, and you have indicated that you would never act on the thought.

Hi, my daughter suffers from intrusive thoughts, and was referred CAHMS . She was diagnosed with Ocd, and intrusive thoughts can be part of this. The thoughts are often the opposite of your true thoughts and feelings. She found the thoughts extremely distressing. The doctors advised exposure response therapy, and learning to accept the thoughts rather than fight against them. It has been a really difficult time but she is now a lot better, and the thoughts are few and far between. I notice that they get worse during periods of stress.
You could speak to your GP, and ask for some help with things. With the right help, it will absolutely get better. It's such a sensitive subject, as the thoughts are often about taboo subjects. It's actually quite common, but not often talked about. Hope you get the help you need.

Hi there,

I’ve created an account just to post here.
what you are going through sounds very much like a version of OCD called “Pure O”. It’s not uncommon for it to be triggered by the birth of a child.

the first thing I want to say is: recovery is completely possible. We are actually better at treating OCD with the right kinds of therapy than many if not most other mental illnesses. There is a more targeted type of therapy called Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy.

id also like to tell you a bit about my own journey in the hope it can make you feel less alone.

I suffered for a long tIme with very similar thoughts, since a teen, and didn’t understand they were OCD because I thought it was just about cleaning and counting and stuff. My head used to be filled with a lot of very disturbing images that were incredibly vivid that involved violence or sexual harm towards my loved ones and friends and I essentially became a recluse because I was so worried that they were secretly urges even though they repulsed and disturbed me. I probably suffered for about 15 years before I accidentally stumbled across an article.

eventually I found my way to a wonderful U.K. charity called OCD Action and I joined one of their phone support groups. I believe they even have one especially for new mothers. It was probably months before zi could share my own stories but ai cried for days after listening in to my first group. Just knowing I wasn’t alone and that there was a way forward.

id done a lot of CBT over the years (never actually opening up about my thoughts, to be honest) but with a way forward I managed to find someone near me who was licensed to do ERP and with about six months of hard work I can’t believe the differences. I’ve been actually enjoying living for the first time these past two years.

Please join a support group and listen in. You are going to be ok. I promise you don’t have to always feel this way.

Re www.ocduk.org/ocd/pure-o/ I wish I had read that closely. I actually don’t agree with them. Without the label pure o I would never have recognised my brains responses as internal compulsions

My thoughts would often be quite focused on individuals. Particularly my mother.

This video will give you a balanced and non hysterical view on intrusive thoughts and how to deal with them;

I think their point, though I’d agree poorly put, is that the term Pure O can falsely create an idea of there being no compulsions by suggesting there is no “C”. Which is false, because the compulsions are internalised.

I do agree with you the label was useful to me in understanding what I was going through. I guess I’m just trying to find s charitable i teepee ration of their page.

It sounds like 'pure o' OCD. I had it a decade ago, where I'd get frequent intrusive images of my family and boyfriend at the time dying in accidents.

Mine was caused by being on too high a dose of lithium, which can cause ocd.

I almost stopped myself from posting as I was terrified of being judged. You've all been wonderfully supportive - thank you.

To answer some of the questions/comments...

No, the thoughts do not command me to do anything or to carry out any acts. In fact, they don't involve me. The thoughts are of imaginary people being violent / sexually violent towards imaginary children, but mainly my daughter. I have no concerns about being commanded to carrying out any acts as that just doesn't feature in any of my intrusive thoughts. Besides, I would NEVER do anything to hurt my darling girl and would lay down my life to protect her from harm from anyone else. I love her with all my heart, which makes the thoughts so so distressing.

I am surprised to read so many of you saying that intrusive thoughts relate to OCD. I have never thought of myself as someone who suffers from OCD. However, I had always thought of OCD as obsessive cleaning and rituals. Looks like I need to do some research.

Around seven years ago, I suffered quite bad with anxiety, particularly over-worrying and catastrophising. I had CBT which really helped with that. I took Citalopram at the time too.

After my daughter was born I was diagnosed with PND, but that was due to my her being unwell at birth, having an extended hospital stay without any family being able to visit (Covid times), and a month of turmoil whilst waiting for genetic results to come back. I was put back on Citalopram and have remained on it since. All turned out well with my daughter's health, thankfully.

I’m having CBT at the moment and the therapist gave me a list of common intrusive thoughts. Yours are on there so you’re not unusual. There were lots I was quite shocked to even be asked about and actually made me think mine were quite tame. Intrusive thoughts are definitely linked to OCD and anxiety. I suffer myself.
You can self refer to mindsmatter for therapy/CBT but yes see your GP too.

I used to have intrusive thoughts of violent acts against myself for about two years. It was very unpleasant and related to some huge emotional stuff I was dealing with at the time. I also have a history of dealing with lots of traumatic things through my job. It took me a while to pluck up the courage to ask for help and but had some sessions with a psychiatrist and they went away quite quickly. I hope you get some help too as it’s a rotten thing to go through.

Hi OP,

You are not alone 💕

There are a number of threads about intrusive thoughts on Mumsnet, and I've noticed them growing.

I wonder if it's because more women are using platforms like this to ask for help, which is a really good thing.

My children are adults now, I had intrusive thoughts when my youngest was 3.

I got help and haven't had them for years and years now.

Have a look around the site or a Google for some of the more recent posts. You're not alone, you're not mad and there is 100% help available.

I'm so so sorry you are feeling this way OP, have you spoken to your doctor?

I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2013, over a year after i escaped domestic abuse, it took me a year to get to the Dr or any help, and I ended up with a lovely social worker who really helped me in so many ways. Up until that point my sister kept me alive, she's the only reason I'm here today. I can't remember much from that time.

I finally got my life back together and I got pregnant in 2016 and I started having vivid, terrifying dreams, they were so real and I would think about them all the time I was awake, they included the domestic abuse and also when I was raped and it brought it all back, it was like reliving it all again. I must have told the midwife (I had to explain why I'd previously had a social worker) so I had counseling just after my daughter was born for a few weeks.

I really struggled to be honest, my daughter barely slept and my partner (her dad) worked long shifts so I felt alone a lot and to make matters worse I couldn't go anywhere without desperately needed the toilet so I developed anxiety about that to the point of obsession. When I went to the Dr he said that it is normal for that to happen in the first year after birth so I didn't seek further help, which I regret.
I started having intrusive thoughts when she was around 1 year old, things like walking down the street I would imagine the cars would drive in to us or if she had a temp then it would be fatal and it was actually an incredible Dr who noticed I was very anxious at an appointment for dd and she helped me recognise that what I was feeling wasn't right. My manager at work had noticed too and said his wife was the same and supported me taking time off work while I went on anti-depressants. The anti-depressants were awful at the start and I had suicidal thoughts but I kept telling myself these were not my thoughts and I couldn't leave dd and 2 months later I felt OK and it all stopped and I went back to work. I didn't know that I should have told the dr about the suicidal thoughts and tried another anti-depressant.

I still had my toilet problem though and that was hell, a huge trigger was public transport, sometimes it would take me 2 hours to make a 30 min bus journey to work because I had to keep getting on and off to find a toilet and I had cbt therapy for a few months but the best advice the therapist gave me was to do something nice just for me. At that point I hadn't gone shopping or out for dinner and barely socialised unless it was a class for dd because of my anxiety over the toilet so it was a wake up call to care about myself too. I bought a bike and started cycling to work and after a few weeks I was very fit physically because it was such a hard route to get to work but I felt amazing and my toilet issue vastly improved and I got rid of the public transport trigger altogether. I stopped taking the anti-depressants after a year and I honestly think it was all the exercise from the bike.

I wonder if your work might have specific counselling for ptsd for the things you saw at work and you are now reliving?

I hope you get the help you need soon, you are not alone ❤