How do you cope in a senior role with constant toddler illness?!

[Speedmacarons]

My small DC are constantly ill. They have a pretty good diet, lots of time outdoors, been at nursery a good while, wash their hands etc. No help.

Me and DH have jobs you can’t easily take time off from. We have a nanny too and mix nursery and nanny, problem is the nanny gets the bugs and is then off too! So we pay through the nose, sometimes twice, for a very bad job between me and DH whilst trying to do some half attempt at the urgent work. Then we have to work at night. Then knackered, and probably have the bug ourselves too!! Not much family help unfortunately.

None of my colleagues seem to have these problems to the same extent. I feel like I’m coming across as being disorganised and flaky as it’s affecting my work.

How do people in the same position cope?!

How ill is your nanny, if she needs all this time off? I work in a high school and am rarely off. Even when my kids were little. But then, mine were full time nursery, so bit of calpol and off they'd trot. If I got The Phone Call, I'd leave if feasible or bounce to dh. Kids were hardly ever ill enough not to go.

Dd is much older now, and after illness wiped out lots of her class before Xmas, said to me in wonder:"Did you know that some kids take time off school when they've got a cold? We never did!"
No, because you didn't realise you had a choice😁

How ill is your nanny, if she needs all this time off? I work in a high school and am rarely off. Even when my kids were little. But then, mine were full time nursery, so bit of calpol and off they'd trot. If I got The Phone Call, I'd leave if feasible or bounce to dh. Kids were hardly ever ill enough not to go.

Dd is much older now, and after illness wiped out lots of her class before Xmas, said to me in wonder:"Did you know that some kids take time off school when they've got a cold? We never did!"
No, because you didn't realise you had a choice😁

UGH, I feel for you! This has been my life since DS started school. luckily I WFH now so it's not that bad, however we all caught that strep A that was going around and we were all knocked for weeks. I had just started a new job at the time too, so I was really really panicking. Luckily they were understanding. But my previous job wasn't so much. Not really sure what advice to give you tbh, other than I feel your pain :( and maybe just lie to your boss and tell them that you're sick rather than your kids. Sounds horrible but usually jobs are more sympathetic if youre taking time off for being ill especially after covid, rather than giving time off for childcare issues. Hopefully it'll get better once the dc are older and have more developed immune systems.

I could’ve written this myself; I have twins, under 3 and in nursery - one catches something, we get 24 hours of normality and then the other one drops 🤪

It actually completely broke me this winter and I was very honest and spoke to my direct manager about it and requested a role change. Just something to see me through these tough toddler / pre-school years and take some pressure off. It’s been received very well and I’m glad I spoke up. I just don’t want to be playing catch up all the time, it was killing me. Is something like that an option? Sidestepping at work for a while?

We do half a day cover each then both finish off at night when he's gone to bed. It's exhausting. DH is senior but WFH and I can shift some of my tasks around. Fortunately my boss had 7 children so is sympathetic.

I could’ve written this myself; I have twins, under 3 and in nursery - one catches something, we get 24 hours of normality and then the other one drops 🤪

It actually completely broke me this winter and I was very honest and spoke to my direct manager about it and requested a role change. Just something to see me through these tough toddler / pre-school years and take some pressure off. It’s been received very well and I’m glad I spoke up. I just don’t want to be playing catch up all the time, it was killing me. Is something like that an option? Sidestepping at work for a while?

I could’ve written this myself; I have twins, under 3 and in nursery - one catches something, we get 24 hours of normality and then the other one drops 🤪

It actually completely broke me this winter and I was very honest and spoke to my direct manager about it and requested a role change. Just something to see me through these tough toddler / pre-school years and take some pressure off. It’s been received very well and I’m glad I spoke up. I just don’t want to be playing catch up all the time, it was killing me. Is something like that an option? Sidestepping at work for a while?

DH took a pay cut and moved to a part of the public sector that has very generous family leave policy: he gets fully paid days for childcare now, whereas I get an hour unpaid to arrange emergency childcare (official company policy🙄).

His job also comes with a great pension, so taking that into account we're not much worse off.

DH took a pay cut and moved to a part of the public sector that has very generous family leave policy: he gets fully paid days for childcare now, whereas I get an hour unpaid to arrange emergency childcare (official company policy🙄).

His job also comes with a great pension, so taking that into account we're not much worse off.

@MustMuststopeating I don't know if you were replying to me or the OP, but I hope it was me because I found your post so helpful.

We had thought through that we can't pay sickness absence any more, and confirmed that this is in line with the contract. Basically we have been going massively above and beyond. Because we are nice people but also idiots. Our first action is to talk that through with our nanny, and also to have a clear conversation about whether this can change, and if not, we'll have to call it.

Your post was really inspiring where you describe your work. I am senior leadership governance and project work in charities, completed the interim role of my life in a big national piece of work last year and working for a CEO who refused even the most basic accommodation for parents. I finished that role feeling both proud of myself and having lost all confidence in my desirability as an employee.

It's so good to hear there are employers out there worth looking for.

DH took a pay cut and moved to a part of the public sector that has very generous family leave policy: he gets fully paid days for childcare now, whereas I get an hour unpaid to arrange emergency childcare (official company policy🙄).
His job also comes with a great pension, so taking that into account we're not much worse off.

Honestly I had to approach my manager and explain that I needed to add a little bit of flexibility into my role to allow for the ups and downs of a young family.

I haven’t actually done all that much different but I feel better knowing that it’s been somewhat “approved”. So when I have a day working at home with one of the kids off nursery I don’t have a huge “oh god” feeling all day, I’ve almost preempted it.

Of course this might not be possible but if you have a good manager and they value you, it might just be worth a proper conversation. Not just a 2 min chit chat but schedule 30 mins and say “it’s a lot, I need to know I can be a little more flexible” - if they value you and you value them, hopefully it ends up in you feeling less shame around it.

In regards to colleagues, they are probably just lucky to have more of a support network, some people are lucky enough to have both sets of GPS, siblings and close friends on hand for help.

It does get better though OP, DC just started reception in Sept and has only had one day off just last week and he mostly entertained himself, once they’re out of nursery their immune systems definitely toughen up!

Are you wrapping your DC and yourselves up really warm? Not trying to pose stupid suggestions - I’ve bought one of those heatgen vests and wore it every time I felt feverish, went to bed when DS did, and woke up fine - twice! And I have an autoimmune disease and I catch EVERYTHING.

DS has been wearing a thermal vest day and night all winter, plus thick duvet and blanket on bed, always jumper/hat/gloves and - touch wood - he’s not been badly ill for a while. He’s aged 3.5 now, so may be out of the worst of nursery illness, but his chicken pox was mild in December and hasn’t had anything debilitating for ages.

It’s a nightmare at that age.
we had 6 sickness bugs go through the family in 1 year at one point and that was nursery days.
The kids started taking a multivitamin every day and that actually cut the sickness right back- takes a couple of months to make a difference.
But this stage will pass- by the time they get to year 1 you are over the worst

Absolute nightmare here as well. The last half term before Christmas we had at least one of the DC home 50% of the time; norovirus, stinking colds and temp, hand foot and mouth and a 1 week hospital stay for the the youngest with croup. DH and I split 50:50 of the care and we are both hugely fortunate to be able to WFH so tried as much as possible to hide the fact that we had the kids at home constantly. Lots of late nights and basically doing a "good enough" job in survival mode to try to get through.

Practically speaking it does get easier as they get older - my 7 year old will chill out on the sofa if unwell whereas the 4 year old wants cuddles and entertainment. In the past we have used a babysitting agency to cover nursery closures such as Sitters.co.uk but I don't know if they would accept kids who were unwell.

You need to figure out a triage system with your OH so that one of you doesn’t carry a disproportionate burden for your career

This it is also important for employers to hear men saying I can't come in today, the baby is sick.

Mine are grown up now but I remember this stage well. We also had a nursery/ nanny combo and nanny sick days. Agree with PP use SSP for the nanny's leave. Also multivitamin including vitamin D for everybody.

Have you asked the nursery staff if any of them do babysitting?
They're not in the best paid job and some supplement income. if you have money to throw at it then they could look after your toddler in the eve after you've had them all day and get them to bed so that you are not working quite so late?
Means it's someone known to your child (will be better if little one is feeling sorry for themselves) and dbs checked.

It's very difficult, and agree with PP who said you will always feel that you look a bit shit compared to those who have one SAHP/are childfree when trying to progress. My sympathies as we are going through the same thing, and can't afford a full time nanny which feels like the answer.

Reality? We don’t.
you are not alone.

if that helps at all, it’s gets better, they get better immune systems, but it’s fucking hard. 💐

@Speedmacarons I have been in similar position as you. Ended up sacrificing better role for a small role exactly for this reason.

I used a childminder with two teenagers, who was very rarely sick. She was extremely pragmatic about toddlers with snotty noses, teething nappies etc, we were never called to collect unless DC were really unwell. She would happily text us to check, and adminster calpol, or give antibiotics when recovering from things but well in themselves.

I also worked 4 days a week and had a flexible employer, they would let me work my day off to replace a sick day if my childminder could fit the kids in for an extra day.

The key thing though was accepting that when you have kids, some of your annual leave doesn't get to go on that week in italy you are craving. Instead it goes on that week with chicken pox.

It doesn't last forever. DD was constantly ill as a baby and toddler. She's loads better now.

Sadly kids are bug hoarders!

We've learnt a lot from the pandemic (or not maybe...) Your nanny needs to wear a mask or face visor when the kids are ill to reduce the risk of catching their illness. She also needs to have access to hand gel and disinfectant wipes to reduce spread via touch. She needs to regularly disinfect toys too.

My childminder used to put toys in the bath with bleach once a week and my DD and DS didn't catch anything until they got to school!

Your employer will also understand, though i know from my experience deadlines dont move!
Are you in a team? If so, both of you should try to get your team to help out cos that's what you do when they have issues like you.

Good luck, it'll will get better very soon.

I second the nanny.
Could not have done it without her

We've had weeks of this, my two (one in reception, one in Pre-School) have been almost continuously poorly. I feel so bad for them first and foremost! But my anxiety is through the roof. Fortunately my employer and immediate colleagues are very understanding but I feel like I'm constantly letting them all down when I have to plan-change last minute. They keep telling me it gets easier, I'm not so sure- but perhaps they'll have caught ALL THE BUGS soon. There can't be many more! Oh and we had Covid over Christmas for the second year in a row too, so no down time either 🙃

Ahh it's so hard I know! I am constantly catching up in the evening :( BUT it gets easier when they're at school because they can happily watch tv all day quietly while you work next to them!!!