For getting mad that he wouldn't get up?

[session9]

My 'partner' and DD's dad doesn't live with us but sometimes stays over. He's only just started sleeping over as we were apart for some time.

Anyway, we slept on the sofa as it turns into a superking (my bed is tiny) he's out of work at the moment and always sleeps in the day as has trouble sleeping at night (probably because he sleeps during the day?)
Anyway we went to bed at a reasonable time, I gave him a sleeping tablet. The next day our daughter woke me about 8.30, I got up, did breakfast, exercised, got dressed, did 2 loads of washing, etc. I tried waking him about 5 times, even sent DD to try & jump on him but it didn't work. I was getting increasingly frustrated as we couldn't use the sitting room, I wanted to tidy up and go for a walk.

His mum rang me for a chat about something unrelated, I ended up venting, she said he's exactly the same at home (won't get up) anyway, I look over and guess who decides to rise from the dead to ear wig on my conversation. He ended up calling me a 'bastard cunt' & told me his mum didn't like me the other day. Granted I shouldn't have slated him but by the 5th hour of trying to shift him I was fully pissed off.

After the name calling I asked his mum to meet me to pick him up (he doesn't drive) he was so angry that I was making him leave.

Was I the one in the wrong? He said it was my fault because I gave him a sleeping tablet. I have insomnia and barely ever have a good nights sleep but I still have to get up and be a mum or go to work so I can't empathise.

What? You deserve a lovely bloke. This one is obvs a complete tosser who hasn't grown up

He doesn't have to grow up either while his mum and his ex are happy to baby him.

After the name calling I asked his mum to meet me to pick him up (he doesn't drive)

I'm surprised they didn't swap info on feeding and changing times.

You say you love him, but what exactly do you love about him? He sounds very unloveable. I’d dump him personally.

You gave him a sleeping tablet but you're shocked and outraged it was difficult for him to get up?

YABU

If anyone spoke to me that way they would never see me again - I certainly wouldn’t allow them near my child.

I have ended it more times than you could imagine, he makes my life incredibly difficult to the point I end up getting back with him because it's easier.

Please read what you have written again. HOW, How is it easier to get back with him, when you know he will "turn into a monster" unless you keep tip toeing round him.

Think about what it is that actually keeps you attached to him , when you keep ending it. That means you do want to end it but then you give in... because "he makes your life incredibly difficult" He is making your child's life incredibly difficult too.

Please seek some real support to help you stick to your guns. You and your child deserve better than this.

He’s a waste of space. Raise your bar for your own sake and especially your child.

Please do the Freedom programme, this arsehole needs to stay out of your life. He’s controlling and abusive.

He doesn't work so probably doesn't pay a penny towards his daughter.
He doesn't have any money for living expenses.
He doesn't get off his arse all day.
He doesn't drive.
He doesn't know how to treat you, the mother of his daughter.
He doesn't parent his child.

What DOES he do?

It's whenever I get angry or upset about anything he turns into this angry monster, I feel like I can't get angry

This is how your daughter is going to feel if you stay with him. You need to do what is best for your child.

@DuplicateUserName
Ok I know that was a stab at me but It made me laugh 😂

He sounds a catch.

I'm finding it really hard to understand what you love about him!

So dump the c'''

I've tried to message you directly but not sure how.
I definitely feel stuck, half of me loves him but the other half hates him for everything he's done to me.

He will call and ring me so much throughout the day (if he's awake) and will get annoyed at me for taking too long to reply, it's exhausting because I'm a busy person. I can't criticise him because it will turn into an explosive argument. He constantly deflects anything I say to him onto me.

He will happily sit there for hours arguing with me by text, even when I don't reply the phone doesn't stop going off. He's also very unpleasant at times towards his mother.

If he does something nice he feels the need to constantly remind me of it.

5 years ago I moved into his when I was becoming homeless, he reminds me of that to this very day.

If we didn't have a child together it would be different, I would run for the hills. But our daughter loves him and always wants him to come over. She doesn't see how lazy he is with her, he parents when he feels like it. He tells me I'm an amazing mother all the time etc & makes me dinner, but the niceness is always short lived.

I wish I had the strength to break free, but I'm so afraid of the unfamiliar, I'm scared he will find someone and treat her the way I've begged him to treat me.

Don't bring your daughter into this. It's you who doesn't want to be without him and unless you learn to, you're going to subject her to a life witnessing a completely dysfunctional relationship, and being caught in the middle.

She doesn't need you two to be together in order to have a relationship with both of you.

It's time to put her first and your feelings about him last.

our daughter loves him and always wants him to come over

You don't seriously spend time with an abusive piece of shit because your daughter wants you to? No. This is on you. You make the choices.

Not sure how you can message on a phone, the option comes up on a laptop. But to be honest I'm not sure what I can add to what I've already said - I think whatever happened to you in your childhood, you don't seem to think you deserve to be treated with any sort of respect, or to be valued as a human being, to count as the mother of this "man"'s child.

You need to get away from this angry monster for yourself and particularly for your child who has no choice, she is stuck with this abuser and is far too young to understand that she is in a dysfunctional home and she has no understanding of what a truly loving father is, this is all she has known and, trust me, the situation is causing her serious emotional damage.

You think half of you loves him, but from what limited knowledge I have I would think you are "trauma bonded" to him - you would be best looking that up yourself for a better explanation than what I could give. But please understand he is not going to change, the nasty side of him is who he is. If he does find someone else, they will, like you, not see this side at first, it will appear later.

As to him sometimes being nice, as other posters regularly point out, if these people were abusive 100% of the time then no-one would stick with them. But it's a nasty/nice vicious circle, there is a cycle of 1. tension building (you're on eggshells), 2. incident (always your fault), 3. reconciliation (someone apologises, if it's the abuser it's definitely not genuine), 4. calm/honeymoon phase before going back into 1. tension building. As time goes on, the calm phase is shorter and shorter.

You need to find the strength to leave. As I said before, contact Womens Aid to begin with. Also educate yourself as much as possible. If you are on Instagram, here are a couple of accounts to follow:
www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
www.instagram.com/insightpodcastuk/
www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
I hope these might help validate you, this is hard at the moment but push yourself to get away from this terrible "man", you will eventually look back and be so relieved to be out of this situation.

I do think you probably need counselling and hope that is an option you can consider. But at the very least, ask for support from family and friends and the likes of Women's Aid, this situation is not your fault - or your child's - and you need to get out of it.