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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Use your words" Wtf?

104 replies

Gymnopedie · 09/01/2023 15:16

Disclaimer, the nearest I get to social media is on MN. I don't have Fb, Insta, Twitter etc and the only other forums I go on are subject specific, so I've only seen it on here. I get that it may be internet wide. But where's it suddenly come from? What happened to talk to/discuss with/speak to/tell them? They were perfectly descriptive ways of indicating how an issue might be addressed, we didn't need a trendy phrase to replace them.

As you might have gathered, I don't like it!

OP posts:
ethelredonagoodday · 09/01/2023 19:12

I've only ever used it, or heard it used with small children.

PlinkPlonkFizz · 09/01/2023 19:21

Seeing how there's been a slight reduction on MN recently of the "give your head a wobble" patronizing comments, something else had to replace the nasty phrase.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 09/01/2023 21:44

I think on here it's used when the poster is being abysmally pathetic/doormat type and just not communicating about an issue. And other posters are so frustrated and giving them a shake through a screen and saying "use your words" as in - I can't believe you've taken this shit and not spoken up woman!
It's not nice but sometimes I can see why people resort to it when the OP is wetter than a lettuce about a situation.

Youwhatnowbiggles · 09/01/2023 21:47

I would only ever use this phrase when speaking to a child. Where have people been using this phrase towards you op?

Ruffpuff · 09/01/2023 21:48

I’ve been saying this to my 4 year old for the last 2 years whenever he gets overwhelmed and starts shouting/screaming, and I can’t work out what’s going on.

It would register as incredibly patronising to use this for an adult. Although, I admit to using it towards dp on occasion when he stomps around grumping.

saraclara · 09/01/2023 21:53

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 17:44

I've used it on here in an active thread. Because honestly, if your friend is taking your money (not giving you your change back and then wants you to send more) and you don't speak up at the time but come on here to ask whether your friend is unreasonable? You need to speak up like an adult. I stand by that.

More people should communicate with the people in their lives instead of with strangers on here.

Then why didn't you say "you really need to speak up and make it clear how you feel"? Because that's how you talk to adults so that they listen. Talk to them as though they're three, and they'll be so infuriated by your patronising tone, that they'll ignore your point.

saraclara · 09/01/2023 22:04

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/01/2023 18:19

How do you feel about him using it towards an anxious/upset/stammering teenager in class who is struggling to speak and the rest of the class laughing at how funny he is?

Because I can guarantee that's where it's being used.

Show quote history

I would hope not.

In the special school where I taught for many years, some of my colleagues used it frequently with their autistic pupils. I deliberately didn't with mine. I imagined that they would find it as irritating as I did. Hearing it constantly must wind them up, I reckon.

So I used a variety of phrases if the spoken word was necessary or ideal, rather than symbols or gestures. "Can you tell me with words?"
"If you can say it aloud I might understand"
"Can you talk to me about it?"
"Let's slow down and see if you can tell me in words"

Obviously it would depend on the child's receptive language ability, but I did avoid "use your words" as much as possible because it was so ubiquitous in the school that it just seemed like a nagging and pressurising phrase.

If anyone ever tells me to 'use my words' I'll be ready to tell them not to be so fucking patronising.

Original poster
Gymnopedie · 10/01/2023 01:12

Youwhatnowbiggles · 09/01/2023 21:47

I would only ever use this phrase when speaking to a child. Where have people been using this phrase towards you op?

No-one's used it towards me, but it's something I (suddenly) seem to be seeing a lot on replies to MN threads.

OP posts:
Thedogscollar · 10/01/2023 01:21

Glittertwins · 09/01/2023 16:26

I've never heard of the expression before this thread.

Me neither.
I don't think I'd ever want to use it.

Aussiegirl123456 · 10/01/2023 03:51

My parents used to say those words to me when I was a toddler…35+ years ago. Those words annoy me as much today as they did then. Yuk

User839516 · 10/01/2023 04:59

I say it to my 3yo all the time. Along with ‘what is the point in having learned all of those words if you’re not going to use them?’. Not sure I’ve ever heard it said to an adult but agree with PP it would presumably be used in the same context, as in, if you want something you have to say so with actual words that others can understand.

HelloTreacle9 · 10/01/2023 06:30

I understood it was from nursery years education and have used it deliberately on occasion with DH when he is been completely childish and stomping and slamming things about. Funnily enough, have never had to use it with my far more articulate kids and would never do so with another adult.

SnowAndIceLobelia · 10/01/2023 06:36

Yeahrightthen · 09/01/2023 15:22

It’s a p.a. (and extremely rude) way of telling someone to spit it out. It’s never meant nicely. I would not react kindly to someone saying it to me but I doubt it gets used much in RL as it would likely not end well.

Agree. I am an easy going sort but would be likely to lose my shit if someone said that to me in a workplace setting.

WoofWoofWoofMudToys · 10/01/2023 06:44

@ReneBumsWombats

That's the idea. It's a way of telling someone to have an open, honest conversation while implying they're being very childish for not already dealing with it that way. You're not supposed to like it

EXACTLY!!

it's been around at least 20 years.

it's very rarely used when it's not called for. If you act like a toddler, don't be surprised to be 'spoken' to like one 💁🏻‍♀️

TerraNostra · 10/01/2023 06:45

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/01/2023 18:55

Oh I use this, and it generally comes from getting fed up with someone who will do everything but the obvious and have the conversation that will fix the problem…

OP: I noticed there was a fire in the kitchen. Everyone in the dining room was not paying attention and didn’t seem to care
Poster2: Did you say something?
Poster3: OMG how rude of them not to know
Poster4: Back in my day we were happy to have our kitchens on fire it cut back on the heating bills
OP: I mentioned it was getting a little warm
Poster 4-14: Yes but did you mention the fire raging in the other room?
Poster15: Missing the point of thread, but what was cooking?
OP: I mean it should have been obvious, did they not smell the smoke?
Poster3: I bet if a man mentioned smoke they’d all get it
OP: I sent them all a message in WhatsApp, but I’m not sure if someone has blocked me
Me: FFS OP, use your words and tell them they will die if they don’t get out of the house that is currently on fire!

Brilliant!

Tessisme · 10/01/2023 06:59

Nobody who admits to using this expression towards an adult (or even a child) is covering themselves in glory here. It sounds so clipped. It's a command. It's bare and bald. It's impatient. @saraclara upthread has articulated much more pleasant ways of expressing the same meaning.

OceanbreezeSun · 10/01/2023 07:19

I usually see/hear it aimed at young children but have also seen it used on mn a couple of times, directed at the op, if they are not getting to the point in a thread.

I understand where it derived from and how it was initially used to help young children communicate - but I agree, it does come off as slightly patronising and abit ‘off’.

Pp said it makes you sound impatient- I think that’s a very good way to describe how it sounds.

Choccolatte · 10/01/2023 07:24

I said YABU but that was because I thought you meant to young children. For adults it is beyond rude

SnowAndIceLobelia · 10/01/2023 07:26

Honestly I don't really like it for children either. There are other ways to say this to children as well that is not so dismissive. (At least, it always sounds dismissive to me).

HaddawayAndShite · 10/01/2023 07:29

Gymnopedie · 10/01/2023 01:12

No-one's used it towards me, but it's something I (suddenly) seem to be seeing a lot on replies to MN threads.

Show quote history

This is so bizarre. Even if aimed to an adult you can only use your words on MN…

TerraNostra · 10/01/2023 07:42

HaddawayAndShite · 10/01/2023 07:29

This is so bizarre. Even if aimed to an adult you can only use your words on MN…

Show quote history

No, the suggestion is usually in relation to the way that the OP says they are communicating with a third party described in their post (see the spoof fire example above!). Posters are not saying “use your words to talk to me”.

CantFindTheBeat · 10/01/2023 07:47

BriteSparke · 09/01/2023 15:57

Roz says it to Frasier in an episode of Frasier.

Roz Doyle: Come on, Frasier. Talk to me. Use your words
Dr. Frasier Crane: It's just so egregious.
Roz Doyle: 😕 Smaller words.

Yes!!! Great scene. (One of many in Frasier - happy times!).

Whatafustercluck · 10/01/2023 07:59

Only times I've uses it was with my toddler/ pre school aged dc to ask them, in a simple and age appropriate way, to try to articulate how they were feeling without resorting to aggression. That is all.

Calphurnia88 · 10/01/2023 08:12

Tessisme · 10/01/2023 06:59

Nobody who admits to using this expression towards an adult (or even a child) is covering themselves in glory here. It sounds so clipped. It's a command. It's bare and bald. It's impatient. @saraclara upthread has articulated much more pleasant ways of expressing the same meaning.

Agree.

If you're suggesting someone needs to speak up, then say that. Saying 'use your words' is to deliberately choose a phrase traditionally said to infants to in order to infantalise the other person. Who may or may not have confidence issues, be afraid of confrontation, is being abused, etc.

No one is impressed.

LetsDoThis2023 · 10/01/2023 08:17

What are you talking about?

Swipe left for the next trending thread