Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Use your words" Wtf?

104 replies

Gymnopedie · 09/01/2023 15:16

Disclaimer, the nearest I get to social media is on MN. I don't have Fb, Insta, Twitter etc and the only other forums I go on are subject specific, so I've only seen it on here. I get that it may be internet wide. But where's it suddenly come from? What happened to talk to/discuss with/speak to/tell them? They were perfectly descriptive ways of indicating how an issue might be addressed, we didn't need a trendy phrase to replace them.

As you might have gathered, I don't like it!

OP posts:
MelchiorsMistress · 09/01/2023 17:22

Thank you for the context. In my day (not quite when coal was a halfpenny a bucket) it was tell me what you want/tell me what's the matter.

The problem with using ‘tell me’ is that young children are used to communicating in the many ways that aren’t words. They are telling you that they want to be picked up when they put their arms up or that they are upset when they cry. There are countless ways they communicate without words and almost every time it works for them, you understand what they mean and they have their need met.

’Use your words’ is a just way of telling them specifically how you want them to communicate their problem.

DNBU · 09/01/2023 17:33

It’s for helping very young children.

Coasterfan · 09/01/2023 17:36

We were on a day out in the Christmas holidays, I have a foot problem at the minute, it is obvious as I have a pronounced limp. I was struggling to get down the stairs and some parents were letting their child swing on the handrail so I couldn’t use it. I was fuming. DS 13 told me I needed to ‘use my words’ to ask to use the handrail rather than getting cross!! He made a good point and it did amuse me, he said it like a primary school teacher (and I was being childish I guess 😂)

Survey99 · 09/01/2023 17:41

Said to an adult, it is patronising and ironically shows the lack of their own ability to use their own words with the latest overused cliché quote.

The first person to say it to me in real life will quickly regret it.

Best thing to do if anyone says it on social media or any forum is to just ignore and leave them listening to silence.

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 17:44

I've used it on here in an active thread. Because honestly, if your friend is taking your money (not giving you your change back and then wants you to send more) and you don't speak up at the time but come on here to ask whether your friend is unreasonable? You need to speak up like an adult. I stand by that.

More people should communicate with the people in their lives instead of with strangers on here.

midsomermurderess · 09/01/2023 17:49

And @butterfliedtwo, clearly you are more than able to say that (and I think it is useful advice) without resorting to being so very patronising.

ReneBumsWombats · 09/01/2023 17:59

LikeAStar1994 · 09/01/2023 16:00

I absolutely hate it.

Patronising fucks.

That's the idea. It's a way of telling someone to have an open, honest conversation while implying they're being very childish for not already dealing with it that way. You're not supposed to like it.

PortableVirgins · 09/01/2023 18:01

I don't think it's inappropriate in the slightest when a lengthy post involves an OP wishing the man she's dating would mind-read to divine what she really thinks about the fact that he doesn't want sex/bought her underwear for Christmas/wants to move in/hates her best friend, or that someone would understand and act on 'hints' about some situation in the way she intended. It's depressing to see how frequently an adult, who is old enough to have a job, children and access to the internet, comes on a chat forum to ask a bunch of total strangers what her friend/husband/colleague meant. It's hardly surprising that 'Use your words' comes up so often, along with 'What did he say when you said X'?

WonderingWanda · 09/01/2023 18:02

🤣 I laughed out loud when I read your thread title because this expression has made me irrationally angry me off for years (I the same way as 'Need gone today' does when someone is selling something onlime)
It's been around for years and it sums up wet parenting for me. Why do people need to say 'Use your words Johnny' rather than 'Say what you want then Johnny' or 'Use words to tell me' etc. Why are they 'your' words? are they different to 'my' words or 'the' words.

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 18:03

midsomermurderess · 09/01/2023 17:49

And @butterfliedtwo, clearly you are more than able to say that (and I think it is useful advice) without resorting to being so very patronising.

Turns out I did. It wasn't in the active thread I said it, but I know I have. And sometimes it's warranted, IMO. Anyway, it's shorthand (for me) for 'speak up' - and more women should do that so they don't get fucked over as often.

Thinking about it, though, it's one of those phrases used on here that I probably wouldn't use in real life unless I were very fed up with someone, and so I take your point.

Tessisme · 09/01/2023 18:04

If someone is using it towards you though you are probably behaving in a shitty way. People don't tend to use it to rational people that are engaging in adult conversation. I don't actually see the problem with being a bit patronising towards someone that is acting like a child, act like a grown up and I will treat you like one.

Sweeping statement alert. So the person being talked down to must have deserved it because those who use this expression are invariably arbiters of wisdom? Alrighty then ...

Survey99 · 09/01/2023 18:09

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 18:03

Turns out I did. It wasn't in the active thread I said it, but I know I have. And sometimes it's warranted, IMO. Anyway, it's shorthand (for me) for 'speak up' - and more women should do that so they don't get fucked over as often.

Thinking about it, though, it's one of those phrases used on here that I probably wouldn't use in real life unless I were very fed up with someone, and so I take your point.

Show quote history

it's shorthand (for me) for 'speak up' - and more women should do that so they don't get fucked over as often.

and you accomplish this ideal of empowering women to speak up, by throwing at someone asking for support or advice a cliché specifically designed to patronise and make them feel inadequate? You perhaps should to rethink your approach...🤔

TheVanguardSix · 09/01/2023 18:11

My 20-year-old was told this in nursery. I suppose it is a beneficial use of language in a nursery setting and has its place. But if you said it to me, adult me? I'd have no choice but to bitch-slap you! 😆

butterfliedtwo · 09/01/2023 18:13

Survey99 · 09/01/2023 18:09

it's shorthand (for me) for 'speak up' - and more women should do that so they don't get fucked over as often.

and you accomplish this ideal of empowering women to speak up, by throwing at someone asking for support or advice a cliché specifically designed to patronise and make them feel inadequate? You perhaps should to rethink your approach...🤔

Show quote history

If you happened to read the last lines of my post, you'll see I am. But then you got to be snarky too, so well done.

toocold54 · 09/01/2023 18:16

I’ve never seen it on MN and I’d find it odd if someone said it as it’s a forum you type on - you are literally using your words.

I say it to the children I work with who are pointing at something of trying to tell me something but I have no idea what so I tell them to use their words.

I guess the posters who write it are just a bit dim or have run out of things to say.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/01/2023 18:19

Coasterfan · 09/01/2023 17:36

We were on a day out in the Christmas holidays, I have a foot problem at the minute, it is obvious as I have a pronounced limp. I was struggling to get down the stairs and some parents were letting their child swing on the handrail so I couldn’t use it. I was fuming. DS 13 told me I needed to ‘use my words’ to ask to use the handrail rather than getting cross!! He made a good point and it did amuse me, he said it like a primary school teacher (and I was being childish I guess 😂)

How do you feel about him using it towards an anxious/upset/stammering teenager in class who is struggling to speak and the rest of the class laughing at how funny he is?

Because I can guarantee that's where it's being used.

toocold54 · 09/01/2023 18:20

I don't think it's inappropriate in the slightest when a lengthy post involves an OP wishing the man she's dating would mind-read to divine what she really thinks about the fact that he doesn't want sex/bought her underwear for Christmas/wants to move in/hates her best friend, or that someone would understand and act on 'hints' about some situation in the way she intended.

In this situation I can sort of understand why someone would say to ‘use your words’ but I probably wouldn’t use a phrase aimed at a child and i’d just tell them to communicate or talk to their partner.

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/01/2023 18:33

I've said it to 'D'P before who has a tendency to make noises rather than speak and have tantrums.

Marmite17 · 09/01/2023 18:37

Survey99 · 09/01/2023 17:41

Said to an adult, it is patronising and ironically shows the lack of their own ability to use their own words with the latest overused cliché quote.

The first person to say it to me in real life will quickly regret it.

Best thing to do if anyone says it on social media or any forum is to just ignore and leave them listening to silence.

Agree. It's a very rude, patronising and ignorant put down when talking to an adult.
Not a useful stand alone phrase with children unless included, kindly, in longer dialogue to aid language development.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 09/01/2023 18:44

I often tell DH to fucking articulate what it is that he fucking wants from me, especially if he is being all hinty and vague. I think he would prefer 'use your words' tbh 😂

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/01/2023 18:55

Oh I use this, and it generally comes from getting fed up with someone who will do everything but the obvious and have the conversation that will fix the problem…

OP: I noticed there was a fire in the kitchen. Everyone in the dining room was not paying attention and didn’t seem to care
Poster2: Did you say something?
Poster3: OMG how rude of them not to know
Poster4: Back in my day we were happy to have our kitchens on fire it cut back on the heating bills
OP: I mentioned it was getting a little warm
Poster 4-14: Yes but did you mention the fire raging in the other room?
Poster15: Missing the point of thread, but what was cooking?
OP: I mean it should have been obvious, did they not smell the smoke?
Poster3: I bet if a man mentioned smoke they’d all get it
OP: I sent them all a message in WhatsApp, but I’m not sure if someone has blocked me
Me: FFS OP, use your words and tell them they will die if they don’t get out of the house that is currently on fire!

Suedomin · 09/01/2023 18:57

It's a perfectly good phrase to use with small children who are screaming , upset about something but nit saying what . That is the only context where I have heard it and it works . I have never heard anyone use it with an adult

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/01/2023 18:59

Oh and I use it real life but usually only with people who have a moment of tripping over their words.. you know what you’re talking to someone and they start sputtering over something… this is always in a lighthearted way.

MaBellOnDaLoose · 09/01/2023 19:05

I thought this was about the game at useyourwords.lol

jays · 09/01/2023 19:11

I thought you were trying to take ‘WTF!’ away from me for a second there until I re-read. Yes, I completely agree, that’s just stupid, I hate that expression. I hate, as you say, new ‘trendy’ expressions when there’s already a sufficient way of expressing the sentiment. For example, why do we need ‘going forward’ when ‘in future’ already exists! Drives me nuts!