I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

You sound like your mind was made up not to go back in October to be honest. They've given you plenty of time in advance to sort childcare and costs.

Could you parents come up and assist with the DC and petting zoo? The GCSE timing is a side issue.

Agree that the cost is eye watering but maybe compromise on that. Middle of the country is not always easier to get to depending on where you are travelling from and to.

Keep it simple, yes or no and stick to it. Maybe have a chat with your sister to explain.

I did wonder that with the “super” comments

@CatJumperTwat I just thought that. Ah well, it was fun!

I’m with you OP. Modern hen parties are ridiculous for putting this kind of pressure on people and if you genuinely can’t afford it or can’t get there you are labelled as a “bad sister” which is ludicrous. In your case I’d offer to do something completely separate with your sister that is special and meaningful for both of you but also affordable. I feel like a lot of women go to hen parties with a simmering resentment for the cost and expectations involved.

I’m a little bit unclear- are you saying that in October you had no idea what the final bill for Christmas was going to be, so you couldn’t tell if you’d have enough money to afford the hen do?

OP your daughters GCSE’s trump any Hen do.

ignore the posters who think the world revolves around hen dos…

I don't think you've been unreasonable. Could your mother look after the kids if she's not going or is that out of the question? (Sorry if I've misread the OP) I think it depends how you'll feel after as well. If you'll regret not going, I'd make every effort possible to go.
I don't think it's unreasonable though unless they've purposely chosen a destination to suit you??

Be honest OP, back in October it wasn’t that you were too busy thinking about Christmas, it was that you were putting off having to say no. You must have realised that until you arranged it yourself near where you live, it would involve travel and a hotel, which you can’t afford. It would involve booking something so you wouldn’t be able to commit due to DHs job and children/animals.

So whatever Sharon came up with you’d have to say no. And it’s hard to admit you’ve arranged your life in a way that you can’t be there for your sister, you aren’t part of her day to day life and joining special events would take enormous effort and expense.

is that what you didn’t have head space for in October? And you are still trying to avoid complete honesty about it and hoping a solution will happen between now and the summer to make it possible for you to be there for her.

take a deep breath, call Sharon and tell her that you can’t go on any hen do. She should get back together with the other hens and arrange something that suits them. Call your sister and tell her the same. Leave the WhatsApp group. Have a little sad moment and then accept sometimes being a grown up is a bit shit.

You're getting a very hard time OP. It's perfectly Ok to miss a hen do if you have a husband in the military and you don't know his schedule yet, you may be in sole charge of the kids and animals, money is tight and it's a long journey.

I wish society would get rid of this idea that hen party attendance is proof of love for the bride or some kind of summons. There's a cost of living crisis and it just embarrasses and shames people who can't go.

I have a big family. I am DEFINATELY starting Christmas planning and saving in October for sure!
U don't need to tell anyone ur reasons except ur sister OP, and work something out with her.

In October, did you know your DH would potentially be on tour?

If you did, you should have sent a short message or talk to Sharon saying 'Look, next year is really difficult for childcare as my DH will be deployed from x to x. Please plan hen do without me or a TBC'

If you have sat on the above info for all that time, I can see why Sharon would be pissed off.

OP, ignore the responses telling you that you're not making enough effort. They maybe don't know much about life in the Forces.

It's just not practical for you to commit to anything right now. Did you tell them to just go ahead and make arrangements without you, then if it turns out you can go once it's nearer the time, so much the better. And if not, well... it's just a hen do. I'm not quite sure why so much importance is attached to these things nowadays. Or maybe I am.

Have a chat with your sister. She understands your family set up, life and situation in a way the other girls can't.

Literally no one has said it isn’t. It’s not ‘perfectly ok’ to drag everyone else through months of uncertainty and raising the cost as it is booked literally months and months later. OP wasn’t even the one planning the whole thing and yet seems to be incapable of understanding that other people live busy lives too.

*definitely
Sorry, but you did go big with that word.

How is it mean? I recognise there are obstacles, in OP's situation quite a few but they are resolveable so personally I would probably try work around them for my sister in this instance.

I totally see why you can’t commit to it. But I think Sharon has a bit of a right to be put out that you haven’t voiced any concerns until she’s provisionally booked something. I know Christmas is busy with three kids, and you’re not in a position to know exactly what your situation would be, but you did know there would be uncertainty, you did know you had a lot of commitments at home and no good options for a deputy for you to be away for a few days, you did know about your DDs GCSEs and you did know cost could be a concern. You didn’t need to spend ages away from Christmas prep for this to be obvious and it should have occurred to you that Sharon talking to you so far in advance wasn’t just because she was bored.

So I thnk the thing to do is chat with Sharon and your sister. Let them know you hadn’t really appreciated what was going to be involved and you can’t see how you’re going to manage it, not when you also have to get everyone down to the actual wedding too. Apologise, thank Sharon for all the thought and effort, and suggest they should perhaps rethink and plan for something even more to DSis’s liking without taking you into consideration. And to DSis, if you can, say that you’ll try and do something extra special with her before the wedding - just you two.

I think you should have committed one way or the other a bit earlier. Either have said yes and paid your share in the hope that you would be able to go, or say no.

I don’t understand. You are old enough to have teenage children. Your sister is old enough to have ‘waited a long time’ to have met the right man. Yet, all of her friends are ‘young girls’, none of whom have children? Odd.

I think you were really unreasonable not to mention in October that cost was going to be an issue for you presuming you had all the animals then. Putting off thinking about it because Christmas was unfair.
Perhaps as a sister and a bridesmaid you should have offered to assist Sharon in the organising not least would have meant you could have more involvement in the budget.

I was invited to a younger friend's hen weekend in Paris. I'm a single parent and needed to know prices and dates in advance before committing. I messaged the MoH privately and explained I couldn't confirm until I knew all the costs and had arranged childcare and time off work. She said she understood but never got back to me. Before I knew it, she'd booked an apartment, spa treatments, restaurants - and a city tour and show that she had paid for. My share was hundreds of pounds even before the flight. I had to say I couldn't go. They were all furious. People get far too caught up in these things.

I see you’ve attracted the cunts. Of course if you don’t drop everything, rearrange your entire life and put yourself in financial difficulty then YOURE NOT EVEN TRYING AND HATE YOUR SISTER.

The trolls on this site and fucking ruining it here.

Also OP, you would've known about your DD's GCSEs in Oct 2022, you could've just ruled yourself out then.

Having to organise hen dos is a ball ache - if you knew you couldn't attend, you just should've said.

I would like to hear more about this story! What did they say when you said no one had got back to you, hence not coming?

Really? It would be about 100 quid,if that?

Honestly I have three kids, horses, dogs and sheep and I've just come back from London for Saturday night/Sunday day.