I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Noone has said that. Nearly everyone is saying she isn't BU to not go, she is unreasonable to not mention it. And only one person has called anyone a cunt 🤨

Very odd responses here, if you can't afford it and have a DH who's away a lot what can you do?

I would be devastated if my sister didn’t want to come to my hen do and was making up feeble excuses it's the hen do, not the wedding. The wedding is what matters.

I don't think the OP's reasons are excuses at all.

I have DC and live in another country from my family and ILs but I would still be able to commit to a date for next summer.
Plenty of ways to do that

• have someone from your or your DH’s family come to visit while you are away so they can look after the kids
• have your oldest supervise the others
• hire a nanny for the weekend

Now that Christmas is over why haven’t you looked into it?
What budget would be acceptable for you? Maybe propose something that would work for you instead of saying no to the others ideas?

Unfortunately you've let them book, so complaining about how you can't afford it when they will be forced to all cover your share or start looking again comes across as rude. You should have handled this properly in October, you presumably didn't get the animals in November, so I don't know why you think that's a valid excuse.

fI you wanted to go then you would arrange for the two younger children to stay with a friend each (reciprocate in advance), then the 15yo has 2-3 friends to stay with a nice pizza budget and responsibility to revise plus look after animals. Flight to London or train are cheap when booked early. Ask your DP if they can contribute to hen accommodation costs, or have your DSis pay for herself to reduce spend.

Not sure how you magic up either, to be honest.

But this is MN where everyone has a whole team of people on call for childcare and if you don't and can't guarantee you will for the entire 18 years of your child's life you were irresponsible to have them.

Hire a nanny for the weekend

Guffaw

YABU.

From the start you should have said “look, you guys book whatever you want to do and I’ll see if I can slot in” rather than ignoring Sharon for months with ridiculous excuses and fake potentiallys and hopefullys in the chat before you pulled out with a long whining excuse.

I'm not a cunt. I know sometimes having a life away from kids and animals seems so difficult that its easier just not to do it. But the OP might have actually enjoyed herself and as her dd is 15 she would be perfectly capable of feeding the animals and walking the dogs. Sometimes it's nice to have a break from your normal life.

I think you have been totally reasonable. Speak to your sister and explain it to her directly, not through the filter of Sharon. Do this soon
And tell the others you cannot afford it in money firstly and also time away from your commitments if your DH is away.

Anyway OP you don't have to explain yourself to Sharon or the others, the only person who matters here is your sister.

Jeez this is why I only organise very small trips these days and insist on separate accommodation and transport costs which everyone can pay for themselves.

Yes I'm sorry but it's really lame to sit on a message from October to January only to then back out. You should have taken half an hour at the time to think about it and realise it was a no go from you, instead of feeling pressure and simply not responding.

Instead the organiser has had to come up with a plan that she thinks accommodates you, meanwhile you're bitching behind her back about her enthusiasm and the fact that she's not managed to find a £50 a night doss house for you all to stay in.

I'd be pretty annoyed if I were her . Newsflash we're all busy.

You can't leave a 15 year old on her own to supervise younger siblings (and animals) when you are going to be 500 miles away!

This sounds like the other thread where the OP was meant to be going to a wedding in Scotland and her childcare fell through at the last minute (covid?) and the comments were completely laughable.

If you can't go to something you can't go.

I wouldn't be doing anything big the weekend before GCSE's started. DS needed a load of help and support and I needed to be around.

Just count yourself out of the hen, but ask them to let you know plans in case you can join.

Honestly, I think people haven’t read your original post properly & that’s why there are so many judgemental replies. You have 3 kids, your husband is working abroad, you don’t have other options on childcare - regardless of cost that is enough for me. You will never please everyone, OP & so in this situation I would just be confident in your decision. I don’t think you are being unreasonable for putting your family first especially when you’ll be going to the wedding anyway! I love a good hen do but there is more to life!

15 years ago I would have said ‘could she not have made the effort?’ now with kids, animals, a job with inflexible and random hours, a dh that works in a job that can take him away, I totally get it. The people, both here and irl that don’t get it, and think of things like money and children as simply excuses are very lucky. There was a time I rang one of my best friends and made an excuse to not go to her hen because I didn’t even have the money for the petrol to get to the place, let alone anything else. If people had loaned me the money, it would have been months before I could pay them back. We’ve since had a fab day just the two of us. She’s your sister, she’s the only one that matters. If you can make more than the day, do, if not, you just can’t. Hugs, it’s hard x

If I were you I'd cough up the money, but explain to them and your sister you might not be able to do all of it. Then go for a night at least.

Sorry this is slightly off topic, but do you really think £100 is a cost everyone can afford?

You can't leave a 15 year old on her own to supervise younger siblings (and animals) when you are going to be 500 miles away!

Of course you can. Get a baby sitter for overnight or arrange for them to go on a sleepover. If the OP genuinely has not a single friend nearby for emergencies apart from her dh then that's an issue that needs addressing!

It’s just baffling, these stories about hen dos and the people organising them! What goes through their minds when they organise things that will cost literally hundreds upon hundreds of pounds, and precious annual leave, and then wedding attendance etc. It’s like they have Jack shit empathy for anyones circumstances, financial or otherwise, because the only thing that matters is the bride’s hen do.

@MALJA

Yes you are right, however, all of this was true last October - she should've said something then to rule herself out.
Instead she has sat on this for nearly 3 months whilst someone was organising a hen do

Not everyone, but as the OP isn't a struggling hill farmer I'm presuming having lots of animals and dogs means that she's not completely skint.

It's perfectly ok not to go to this social event, or any social event, if you cannot find the time or money or the logistics prevent it. But it is not appropriate to refer to someone who is presumably an adult as 'a young girl' even if she is a bit irritating.

One option you have is to put off the decision making until late spring. Just reply with a placeholding message "Thanks Sharon, looking into childcare and travel options.."

And the military do get paid reasonably well.

@TheLastTimeISawRichard I had to wade in, you’re getting so many unreasonable responses!!

You haven’t done anything wrong, and your sister will understand. I would never expect anyone, family or friends, to have to put a hen weekend ahead of supporting your child into exams plus the additional cost of travel, childcare and dog sitters etc.

I think the people responding are just trying to antagonise you, any rational mature person would see no problem in what you have done.

It’s a bloody hen weekend ffs 🤦‍♀️