I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Yes everyone is busy at xmas but would have taken you a few minutes to confirm you couldn't manage it.

I do a lot of admin including holiday booking over the xmas break as I'm too busy with work etc in term time so she has probably spent a lot of time on this, there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes organising stuff like this and she will have to go back and do a lot of it again now based on one less person

I don't think OP has pulled out. There isn't ven anything booked. She was clear from the start she couldn't commit.
I think calling childcare and finances an excuse is a bit off. They are perfectly valid reasons.
You say if she wanted to enough she would....so are you suggesting she takes money from her (likely) stretched budget, puts someone else out for childcare and risk her child's exam success? Oh and if her husband happens to be home miss precious family time because she's away?

Honestly, I wouldn’t be going, in your position. I totally understand all the reasons you’ve given, and they are all perfectly valid. I’m also of the era where a hen do consisted of a meal/ drink, with close friends/ family just before the wedding, and II personally don’t see the point in the huge events that often seem to be planned now, I think it’s another legacy from America. However, I would definitely have spoke to to my sister directly, immediately the plans were mentioned. Im assuming that your children didn’t appear out of nowhere, your pets didn’t materialise and your DH didn’t get posted abroad since they mentioned the plans. You must have known that a hen do would be arranged. You must have known that you would be invited (you are bridesmaid as well as being the sister of the bride). Surely you gave a little bit of thought as to how or whether you would be able to go, before now. And it seems that you have had a couple of months to speak to your sister before plans reached the stage that they have now. Christmas is always busy, but not at the expense of communicating with your sister about her wedding,

I don't understand why people are jumping on you so badly. From what I understand you were told in October that the hen do was going to be organised for sometime in the summer and two days ago you found out the locations, details, cost to which within the space of 48 hours you have let them know this is not feasible for you. You've done nothing wrong and are under no obligation to go. Yes its your sister and it would be lovely to join in with the weekend, but you have your own commitments to deal with first.

I can’t believe how many people with children (3 in my case) in late October amongst or just round the corner from Christmas shopping, school trips, Christmas jumper days, parties, panto trips, teacher gifts, secret Santa would be able to financially commit and pay and have the head space for a Hen weekend in the following summer…

We all know what Christmas is OP. And when it is.
No one has said you should have paid in Oct.

Most of us have said if someone is contacting you in Oct about your sister's hen do, it's a bit rich to blame christmas for not being able to spend 10 mins deciding weather or not you'll be likely to attend it until January.

I tho k ur reasons are
Completely valid, and u have given plenty or good reasons to not go.

U tell them it has taken u till now to try and do the best u can to go but ur sorry it's really not doable for u, because ur basically doing it by urself and it's just too much.
I do think going down for the day is a really good gesture tho and will stop some of the awquardness now that u are all feeling. U must to all to ur dsis and get her to see why ur struggling so she can reiterate back that it's not a problem for her so it shouldn't be for them. Good luck x

Things like that need booking and organising, I think you being non committal is probably quite annoying. And October is 2 months before Christmas I’m not sure Christmas jumper days are much impediment! How old are your other children? Honestly I’d ask your parents to come if necessary given you’re both their daughters and they might want to help. Do you have the money and not want to spend it on a hen do or not have it at all? It’s fair enough either way but I guess your sister will know which one it is. Is there a reason that you can’t commit to a day at least? Or one night?

I think that @TheLastTimeISawRichard has been upfront and clear and that she has very valid reasons for not being able to commit

I also think that they have made another chat without you!!

Apart from feeding us all, bills, monthly payments and fuel, from a financial point of view…no.

And if you can you should appreciate the privilege.

Except she wasn't clear from the start that she couldn't commit. Instead she refused to think about it when asked in October because she was apparently too busy thinking about Xmas jumper days and teacher presents.

I think the call to your DSis is a great idea.
All communication should go direct to her as she probably understands more about your situation than the other girls that you don't really know. What's Apps can be read in a different tone than that intended. Better to phone in these instances.
Also talk to Sharon rather than post. You don't have to please her.
If your sister is nice, she will understand. It sounds like you are all coming to the wedding and that is the main thing.
I think it's unfair of people to say but it's your sister's hen do, and call these weak excuses.
These issues are your life. You don't know whether DH will be available. If he was then most problems solved, but you don't currently know that. Surely your sister will understand.
Any parent with a kid going through GCSEs knows that they often need support. GCSEs are so important to your child. Saying just let them get on with it - may not apply in some circumstances if they need to get certain grades. I would feel guilty leaving them to look after the other two DC and worrying that would impact their revision and doing that for a party, even a hen do.
You don't have to live your life according to other people's notions of what is required of a Hen Do or Wedding or feel guilty if you can't meet them. Your sister knows you love her and are happy for her.

I’d be really interested to know who of the people commenting have recently planned their own hen do and also attended those of loved ones.

I think you’ve done everything right, OP. I’m in the “youngish” age bracket and it drives me crazy that people assume you have hundreds of pounds to drop on a hen do (even for family) and not to mention the hundreds you’ll also have to spend on the wedding (accommodation, travel, kennels, etc). It’s so so selfish and naive.

When my hens planned mine a few years ago I stipulated it needed optional experiences that people could come to and kept the whole thing (even if you come to everything) sub £200. Absolutely no hard feelings for anyone that could only come to part (or none). We all have lives and budgets and responsibilities. My sister came to only one section of the whole weekend because she has kids to look after. Not a problem to me!

I don’t think you’ve wasted any time. If I were organising it I would still have booked a venue you could come to for a day, and indeed if you are only able to come for a day it makes it even more important that it’s accessible.

I think a lot of people on here are being unreasonable!

OP you still aren’t being clear with Sharon though!!! Just contact her again and say on reflection, you should have said back in October that there’s no way you can commit to a night away anywhere next summer, so unless they are going to hold the hen do near where you live, you won’t be attending. You couldn’t commit to visit where your sister lives either for a local “meal and night out” hen do.

That you don’t think it’s fair to insist it’s held so far away from where the bride and everyone else lives, so are completely backing out now. You wish them all well and will leave the group chat. Don’t leave them hanging that you might be able to join when realistically it’s not going to happen - it’ll just piss them off they can’t book anything until the last minute and miss out on discounts (given it’s London they might want to book a show etc)

the decision to live so far away from your extended family does mean you’ll sometimes have to miss out on social things. It’s shut though so I can see why you’ve put off facing up to this.

But not being able to do it financially and not having the headspace are to totally different things.
If you couldn’t do it financially or didn’t want to and knew in October you should have just said that then! To drag it out for over 3 months and blame Christmas jumper days and teacher Christmas gifts is just mental.

I think yabu because its your sister for god sake! You are making excuses, you just don't want to go.

If your DH isn't home and you have no other childcare that's 1 issue.

The GCSE comment is an excuse, there's plenty of time to make sure they are studying.

The price....well only you know whether you can afford it and if you can manage to put some money aside between now and then....and whether you think your sister is worth that.

For what it's worth, it sounds like a pretty standard hen weekend. It will be stressful for the people organising so they'll be looking for solutions not problems. You don't have anyone who look after the kids apart from your DH?

In the nicest way possible I think you are being a little bit “main character” about this…

you live really far away, you have a busy life - kids / husband’s job to juggle / livestock / dogs / financial struggles and I’m sure a million other things going on. Everyone on that WhatsApp thread will have their own version of each of those things.

if you can’t afford to go then don’t go, simple as, but don’t make it anyone’s problem but your own - they don’t need to know the inner workings of your decision.

Given it is your sister’s hen you could alternatively just put the effort in and prioritise it.

All the other people in your story have busy lives, it’s about prioritising and those people sound like they are prioritising your sister’s hen above some of their other (equally important and demanding as your own) commitments 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your reasons for not attending are not weak or feeble OP. Surely your sister will understand? I hope your conversation goes well.

Yes because 3 children, a husband in the military, copious animals, and 500 miles of distance can all be dealt with by just snapping your fingers, right?

Presumably these are your friends not members of an extortion racket?.

Not her friends, her sister’s friends.

I can’t believe how many people with children (3 in my case) in late October amongst or just round the corner from Christmas shopping, school trips, Christmas jumper days, parties, panto trips, teacher gifts, secret Santa would be able to financially commit and pay and have the head space for a Hen weekend in the following summer

I have children. None of those things you list are on my radar yet in late October. And it doesn’t sound like you needed to financially commit and pay for the hen weekend at that stage. You just needed to remember that your life setup means you can’t go on weekends away, so surely it didn’t require a huge amount of head space?

Of course this is what you should have said to Sharon, back in October…

“Sorry Shazza, I might not be able to afford it and I have all the animals to look after, as I don’t know if DH will be here then either. So please don’t book anything nearer to me as I don’t want you lot putting yourselves out if I’m not able to make it…”

Btw YABU, it’s your Sister fgs, make the effort.

i think posters are being harsh assuming youre going to the wedding aswell which will cost you tis is just an added expense

just phone your sister and explain maybe they can arrange something nearer to them