I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

I think you’ve handled this really sensibly. As is becoming more common these days on this site I’m shocked about how little others are able to realise how different others’ lives can be to their own. I also have 3 dc, a menagerie etc and a frequently absent dh. I absolutely couldn’t go away for a weekend without certainty dh would be here to pick up the slack. And there’s also no way I’d want to spend £600 on a hen weekend but that’s by the by!! Just tell your sister you can pop up for the day and if it turns out your dh is home you’ll book a premier inn for a night close by.

Agreed!

@neighboursmustliveon if the do is half way between maybe someone could go with her and watch the kids

If it doesn't work it doesn't work. Can't be helped. Sometimes

Noone thinks that. Noone thinks it's unreasonable to not go if she doesn't want. Most people think she could have let them know months ago that she wasn't going as nothing has changed in her circumstances.

Yanbu of course it's easier for commitment free young women who live close to organise a get together, compared to the logistics of your vastly different life. Your message was fine and honestly it's a hen party. I didn't even have one as they're not my thing but as long as you're there for the wedding that's what really matters. If your reality has put a 'dampener' on the chat then they really need to grow up

Yanbu. Your message was fine. Your reasons are valid. Nothing wrong with going for just the day. It’s not like you’re pulling out of the whole thing (and it’s only a “hen do” not her flipping wedding day). Talk to your sister, not via Sharon, and explain. Hopefully she isn’t selfish enough to feel that one person out of the whole group coming to only some but not all of the “do” is a catastrophe.

It sounds like you don't want to go. You don't need to justify it. You do need to tell your sister first though.

You should have said back in October that you aren't available for the hens. You do have genuine reasons but by not being upfront they sound like excuses now. Especially if they have chosen the location to try and make it easier for you.

You have handled this badly. Ring your sister before talking to the bridesmaid. Tell her you can't go. It's not that you can't commit. You don't want to spend £600 for something that you might have to pull out of last minute.

Apologise for sending mixed messages to your sister and reassure her that you want to celebrate her but can't do the hens. Text the bridesmaid privately that you have spoken to your sister and leave the group chat.

It's quite simple - back in Oct when the plan was floated OP should have said

''Thanks ladies, but I'm up to my eyes in animals, a teenager with exams and a DH who comes and goes and not a lot of spare cash - so make your plans for the hen without me and have a great time! I'll see my sis before the wedding on my own somehow''.

Yabu to have not said in October that you’re not going; you do have lots of life commitments but nothing that you didn’t have then- why agree in the first place or put in all those comments about hopefully going when you know you can’t

@Whinge That's exactly the opposite of what I said.

Yes, of course that's true. We're all different. It's interesting though that people seem to have so much more money to spend on this sort of thing nowadays.

Lavish hen parties that took up a whole weekend were unheard of at the time when I was getting married. Such things would only have been contemplated by the very wealthy.

I think age at marriage might have a lot to do with it. By mid thirties, many people will have established themselves in a career and may have built up some savings, so can afford to push the boat out a bit. It used to be that most people married in their late teens or early 20s - and most of us were still living with our parents until we got married - so we had a lot less disposable income.

"Well obviously as this is mn and because obviously you aren't trying hard enough op - nothing less than foster care for your dc and rehome all of your dpets. Remortgage your home to cover all costs also.
Or message your dsis and tell her hope she has a great time but given your current commitments you will sadly have to bow out."

Don't be so silly. The OP could have simply said no in October instead of stringing them along and letting them make plans to include her.

I can’t believe how many people with children (3 in my case) in late October amongst or just round the corner from Christmas shopping, school trips, Christmas jumper days, parties, panto trips, teacher gifts, secret Santa would be able to financially commit and pay and have the head space for a Hen weekend in the following summer…

Yes I put the Sharon on the back burner along with several other things that were not pressing at the time.

London wasn’t a definite back then either nor were costs discussed, just dates and keenness to get something booked.

We didn’t find out about location or costs and provisional booking till two days ago.

So as well as £600 on a hen do she now has to pay for accommodation and travel for her children and their babysitter for the weekend as well? Plus there will be food for them all.

Seriously, would you do this? Is this really seen as a reasonable adjustment to attend a hen do? Or anywhere for that matter!

Yanbu to not go, I think lots of people on mumsnet have lots of grandparent help or assume you can buy in help and dont realise that for some people, there are no options.

However it sounds like this has always been the case for you, so I'm not sure why you entered into any hen do discussions to start with, if your husbands schedule isnt known then you're not going to be able to commit to anything so I think you should have spoken up before they started taking about the details

Hope the discussion with your sister goes ok

That's really mean. OP lives 500 miles away, so already the costs & logistics for the actual wedding must be enormous. Hen dos have become ridiculous.

the point just about everyone is making is that everything that is true about OPs current situation was true back then too.

Cost is an issue, home situation is an issue. OP just needs to be upfront. And no wishy-washy "i might think about looking to coming for one event" shite. Just "i can't make it. Sorry"

And that is it. Hens aren't compulsory, and part of being an adult with responsibilities is recognising that and accepting/declining invitations in a timely manner and in good grace.

This is the perfect response imo. Covers everything.

@TheLastTimeISawRichard You can't think of anything but Christmas from October onwards?

That's quite unusual, to be honest.

The comments I've read seem to think YABU but the voting is the opposite.
OP yanbu, you can't do it. You have no childcare, a daughter starting big exams and a Petting Zoo ( did I read that right?) You can't go away for the weekend.

I would suggest an apologetic phone call to your sis and a similar phone call or message to Sharon to say you really appreciate her effort, you do apologize for your tardiness, she's doing a great job, see her at the wedding

I think all that matters is your sister understands. I have been in your situation with living far away and a husband in the forces and I know my sister would have 100% understood the predicament you are in. The others probably won't but I wouldn't worry about it! I think even my best friends struggle to understand how uncertain things are in military life, let alone strangers!

@PolarBlair I think the split is YANBU to not go but YABU to have handled it so oddly.

Now you mention the Christmas jumper days I can fully see why you couldn't reply. Now is the time to just say "I'm sorry I can't make it" so others can properly plan.

@neighboursmustliveon I've got one sister and if she got married and I had the money I'd do it.
It is a bit upheaval and wouldnt be easy.
It depends on all sorts of factors doesn't it.

I think that your DC will be mid exams would probably sway me not to go

Is there a massive age difference between you and your DSis? Initially it sounded like she was getting married quite late in life, but then you describe all her friends as “girls” and say none of them have families of their own.

I ask because it may well be that the group will have a nicer time without you there anyway, as you don’t sound like you fit very well with them personality or life stage-wise. I have a brother myself so can’t exactly relate, but I hate all this assumption that sisters need to be best mates and get on with each other’s friends. You can love each other as sisters without this sort of joint group socialising. Why don’t you arrange some sort of get together with your sister and your Mum another time that works better for you? Maybe get them both to come to you? Presumably they like to see your DC occasionally anyway, and that way Mum and Auntie can also chat to them about the wedding.

Just draw a line under the hen, leave them to do their thing and move on. They’ll get over it.

As an aside, I thought that military families were always moving around, how does that work with having lots of animals?

Don't go. They took a risk by booking something expensive miles away that someone couldn't go.

Arrange a celebration just you with your sister, like a second hen do.