I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

You think OP shouldn’t have animals so that she can save her money for the occasional hen do. 😂

There are many people that can afford their lifestyle but there’s not a spare £700 for hen do. Priorities.

Crazies are out.

No it’s really hard, we have little cocoons attached to the stable doors and we are allowed out of them twice a day for a quick pee break and to stock up on tins and food packets…

🙄🤣

Of course we can still go for day trips, meals, the theatre etc it’s just take a little bit of planning around timings, they need turned out/brought in (depending on season) morning and night, mucked out, fed, hay nets filled and hung, water buckets filled but we can often get a good 10/12 hours between either end.

Holidays/weekends away however are a thing of the past, it’s a choice we as family made and discuss often to make sure we are all on the same page and we haven’t yet regretted it.

Completely agree

@LordSugarTits OMFG she said it was literally hours between plans being made and her saying no. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE AT LEAST SUGAR TITS

Another one that is incapable of reading posts properly and just making up their own little fairy tale and then basing a reply on that…

quite odd.

Just in case it’s an intellect thing rather than “just being an arse” thing…

1. No one has been strung along.

2. I heard the brides suggestion of plan, location, accommodation, the same time as anyone else…a little over 48 hours ago.

3. I did however consider for a solid 12 hours (bad me) before I made my final decision that the cost and time slot was not going to work and let the group know.

I hope that has made it a little easier for you to understand.

Absolutely fine to not attend. I usually can’t do stuff like this because I work antisocial hours. People are usually understanding - it’s not really the norm for people to have to experience something directly to be able to show empathy. It’s never a good idea to start from the premise that nobody can understand your circumstances unless they’re living them. I assume you aren’t usually working nights weekends and ever Christmas for the last decade or so, but you can presumably grasp what it’s like for those of us who do.

The way you write really does drip with contempt for everyone involved. It was quite nasty to read.

What are you talking about?!

Granted it is now late, but I’ve read your post 3 times and I still can’t understand to how it’s at all relative to anything I have written.

Haven’t RTFT, but have skimmed OPs posts and from what I gather it’s really Sharon who as messed up.
It’s really quite rude to book a hen party without OK-ing it with the sister of the bride, don’t you think?
I have been a bridesmaid 6 times, thrice with the sister of the bride. On each of those occasions Sister had the final say and right of veto on any plans, by dint of being sister and therefore a) person who knows bride best and b) most important person to be there (aside from bride).

Seems to me Sharon is a bit of a bossy piece who got carried away and overstepped the mark for not agreeing with OP in advance what was possible. If OP wasn’t ready to have the conversation in October, she should have waited, not gone ahead without her.

Eh? Why would the MoH have to take direction from the bride's sister over the bride? Especially a sister who can't give a date she will be available for.

Well, because hen dos are notoriously difficult things to organise!
In Sharon’s situation I would have recommended asking the bride what she wants, then discussing it with OP, then going back to the bride to discuss compromises etc. The three of them (or two of them, if bride wanted a surprise) could have thrashed out a plan and agreed price / location / duration / absence from bits of it, before presenting the plan to the others.

If you try to book these things in conference with a group you inevitably get people saying yes to things just to be polite / not wanting to seem awkward, then they pull out later (as happened here with the OP). Then the cost goes up for everyone and more people start dropping out and before you know it the whole thing has collapsed.

The thing to do is for the two or key people to make the plan, price it up and present it to the others. They’re either in or out and if they’re in they cough up large deposits sharpish.

That’s how to plan a hen do!

If you can't go you can't go, I'm sure your sister will understand, and I don't think it's disloyal of you at all not to go. She'll still enjoy her hen weekend with her friends. You'll be at the wedding, which is of course the important thing.

And I would stay home before GCSE's - not so much to ensure my DC was studying as to support them if they were getting stressed about the exams.

@LordSugarTits OMFG she said it was literally hours between plans being made and her saying no. MAKE IT MAKE SENSE AT LEAST SUGAR TITS

OMFG she said they asked her back in October but CHRISTMAS. Then they had 48 hours back and forth until they booked and then she backed out....but said "definitely, I'll maybe definitely see about coming for the day" 🙈🤣

Just say no 🤷🏽‍♀️ in the first place

Yes, but you're ignoring the part about the OP not knowing when she'll be available. The OP can't commit to a date because of her DH's job. So if they're to wait for that information, nothing can get planned.

Also, Sharon did contact the OP about her thoughts in Oct, but the OP was too busy/stressed to think about it. This is now January, 3 months later, so Sharon set up a group chat to get everyone involved, in which the OP made positive noises about the suggested plan, so Sharon booked it. Then, a few days later, the OP turns around and says "Sorry, this doesn't work for me. Can't afford it and I don't know where my DH will be stationed this year so I can't say when I'll be available". What is anyone supposed to do with that?

I would appreciate the honesty and work with you to help you be there. Honestly even attending someone's wedding is hard enough. I dunno why people tack on so much of everything else. Life is busy, it sets you up for disappointment imo.

The availability issue could have been mitigated by at least not picking a date before GCSEs, although I do agree if the OP is never able to commit to a night away then it was daft to make positive noises initially when any trip is obviously a no-goer.

I hate how ott hen and stag dos are these days. So extra, and stupidly expensive for those attending. To me if you want an expensive hen do then you need to be rich enough to afford it. You shouldn’t expect your friends and family to pay for it. It used to be tradition that you all had a night out and family and friends paid for the brides drinks all night. Now it’s a 3-7 day event and friends and family are expected to pay for the whole lot. YANBU to say it’s too much money and too much hassle and sadly you can’t attend.

Sorry if missed

But if the op lives 500 miles from the wedding party

where will the wedding be and how will she manage to do that given the mountain of responsibilities that weigh on her shoulders?

Presuming the wedding will be close to where the wedding party live… 500 miles away.

I imagine there’s going to be a second thread shortly before the wedding itself from the Op

Asking if she is unreasonable to duck out of the wedding because who will feed the horses?

Also, Sharon did contact the OP about her thoughts in Oct, but the OP was too busy/stressed to think about it. This is now January, 3 months later, so Sharon set up a group chat to get everyone involved, in which the OP made positive noises about the suggested plan, so Sharon booked it. Then, a few days later, the OP turns around and says "Sorry, this doesn't work for me

This is the nub of it for me. Saying it sounds lovely and ‘potentially I’m in’ was where op misled Sharon.

Yes! I find Stag and Hen do expectations insanely ott.

I'm not sure she did, though - she said that at the time, when no firm dates or places were picked. Presumably there was a discussion, she said they all sound lovely, but then also said she couldn't make any bookings until the new year when she knew where she would stand financially and logistically in terms of husband's deployment. How is that misleading if she planned on going on October, but realised she couldn't when they booked it (without asking anyone) in January, once she had all the details of where and when they were going?

I'm sure most people have done similarly before, a plan in theory always sounds good and feasible, but lots of people won't know until they have some hard facts about times, dates and prices.

@Gigglechop are you on glue?!

I cannot fathom from all my lengthy replies how you still don’t understand.

We are and have committed to the wedding.

DH is here for it.

We will arrange cover for animal care, the reason it makes it very expensive to do the same the month before for the hen.

DC are bridesmaids and will be coming with us.

Maybe if you repeat the above a few times it might help it go in!

She has explained, very very clearly and many times over that now that she knows exactly what is going on re location and price - but only so in the last 48 hours, and not before, that logistically and financially she is not able to make it. Given this, how is she supposed to make the “effort” if she is not able to go?

She did. It’s in the op’s posts. In the last 48hrs Sharon sent through details of the place, the chat went wild and the op replied saying it looks lovely and she’s potentially in. Sharon made a provisional booking. Op then said she couldn’t make it and the chat went silent.