I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Yes lengthy

Your approach seems to be why use a sentence when you can write a novel!

“Are you on glue”

old sckool! 😂

We are and have committed to the wedding.

you mean like you cimmitted to the hen do?

Committed

What are you talking about? So the OP is not allowed to own any pets, have a certain long term life style because she should have been psychic enough to know that, in the future,previously, she would have to attend an over priced hen do, hundreds of miles away? So she has should have changed her entire life I.e down sized in anticipation of this hen do? Good grief.

Everyone saying don't worry the 15yo can revise themself. It's not that. It's being there to support them.the weekend before their exams kick off when they will no doubt be very nervous and need that support.

Well given that she didn't commit to the hen do then no. Obviously. In a thread of idiotic comments this is straight into the top ten.

I think, whatever the reasons, and however you try to spin it, you are missing your own sister's hen when she was kind enough to have you and your daughters as bridesmaids, and to plan it for a UK location that she thought would work for you.

If you truly can't make it then you should have told your sister before the group chat. Really, ideally, talked to your sister about the fact that you probably wouldn't be able to make the hen when you were invited to be bridesmaids so then they wouldn't have chosen a location to make travel easier for you.

It's gone quiet because they're all chatting elsewhere about the fact that you've left it until now to remember that you have children, pets, a dh who works away and no childcare options. Or, possibly, the MOH is sad because she thinks she's failed to make it easy enough for you.

I also think you should have shortened your list of reasons as the nonsense ones muddy the waters. Husband away and no childcare is really the only point you needed to make, to your sister and then the chat.

I've read her replies, she said the organiser booked it without asking anyone first, she basically stayed non committal while she decided whether she could afford it, or even just do it full stop under the circumstances, then got back to her half a day after she'd booked.

Again, failing to see how that is in any way unreasonable - they planned and booked it without letting everyone know the details first, those are the chances you take when you do that. OP got back to her within I think a reasonable time frame of that (which she's clarified was 12 hours, not two days, it's been two days since all this kicked off).

All this sounds reasonable to me. They booked something, she went away and considered her options, realised she couldn't do it, let them know within 24 hours - that's fine, there nothing wrong with that.

TBF normally the sister is the MOH, and if hen organisation duties are delegated to another bridesmaid or friend then she would normally defer to the MOH and run the plans past her if the bride doesn't want to know the details. I see about a hundred weddings a year through work and it's very unusual for a bride with a sister not to have them as chief BM / MOH. I know lots of people are about to shout at me about their specific example where this wasn't the case but they are the exception to the rule.

OP all you can do is decline for now as the childcare and costs are too high with your husband away. Perhaps nearer the time, if your husband is here, see if you can do a day trip or one night to join them. And if you can’t, that’s ok too.

No need to explain too much. Life can get expensive and complicated. The wedding is the most important thing. Everyone needs to get some perspective.

This is what the op said:

Sharon started the Hen chat group 2 days ago and within that time the date and place was decided and AirB&B was provisionally booked, I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely and potentially I was in

If I’m guilty of anything in this process it’s being non committal and I do get how frustrating that must be and maybe I should have said no from the get go but if reflecting it’s because at the end of the day I didn’t want to let me sister down.

ROFL…

Have you ever thought about going into the romance novel business…

This is pure fiction!!

*school

The only other reason I gave was that my DD has her 1st GCSE the Monday after the weekend, like a lot of other posters, I feel it’s important for me to be there to support her, not necessarily the deciding factor on going or not going (if DH was here this of course wouldn’t be an issue) but definitely a consideration.

Which still stands!

Pure fiction? I just dug out your exact words?

Sharon started the Hen chat group 2 days ago and within that time the date and place was decided and AirB&B was provisionally booked, I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely and potentially I was in

I’m with your mum.

You get that between Sharon telling us the plan and me saying it wasn’t possible for me was a little under 10 hours, a perfectly respectable amount of time to get in touch with DH (who is away atm) consider my options and get back to her and group.

Of course I was polite, the accommodation was lovely and a good find and I thought my sister would love it.

I was hardly going to say your ideas a pure shite Sharon away an bile your heid (Scots term for fuck off!)

She is a legend.

I’ve no idea why you are getting such a hard time OP! These issues are incredibly hard to work around especially when you live rurally and with no family around to rely on but everyone on mumsnet seems to have a magic money tree for childminders and animal care.
I hope your chat with Sharon goes well and your mum sounds absolutely wonderful!

Yes, your mum sounds great. Very level headed in what could be a difficult situation for her.

No way on earth I would leave a 15 year old with all that responsibility!

I suppose when it comes to it, what does it matter if Sharon thinks your unreasonable? They have booked something without checking availability or price.

I am not sure I'd want to attend my younger sisters hen with all her mates of her age. Sure I'd probably attend if I could go for a short period and cost limited to that but but not £600 worth. I don't think I'd be most valued guest either! Even if I was bridesmaid. I'd do a family hen sometime as my alternative.

* I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely and potentially I was in*

i don’t know about you… but if I was the sister (as opposed to a distant friend) then I would regard this as pretty much a commitment

What?!

If someone said they could potentially do something, you would take that as a given?!