I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Op I started reading the comments but they got so mental I stopped. Classic AIBU - doesn’t matter what you do, people will attack over the most minor details in the op.

YANBU. Also what is hilarious is day in day out I see posts where people say they don’t want to do some social event or weekend away for various reasons, and literally every comment is something like “no is a complete sentence” or “just say I don’t want to go” or “if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it”.

You have very valid reasons and tried to see if it could work but it can’t - you haven’t done anything wrong.

100% this.

There’s an odd culture around hen dos that sometimes seems to infer that people should move heaven, earth and the national debt to attend them. It’s odd and sometimes peoples lives mean they can’t afford it, can’t get there, can’t get childcare and that ultimately, the huge sacrifices in time, money and logistical nightmares aren’t warranted for a pissed up weekend that is in no way necessary to support a loved one or their wedding.

@TheLastTimeISawRichard family should understand and your DS needs to grasp that your situation is not the same as hers and you just can’t go as it stands. Stick to your guns. Ignore the very weird vipers on here as some responses are just plain odd.

My personal fave of which, is that the army and the Forces are the same thing.

I must break it to my BIL that all this time he's thought he was a sailor, he's actually been a squaddie 😱

It's expensive AND inconvenient and as a result she can't go! Fixed it for ya.

Op speak with your sister.

Explain your situation (I'm sure she already knows)

Try and organise to go for the day if you can.
Don't worry about the rest of the hen party they'll get over it.

You can only do what you can do. You have a lot to juggle and you'll be there for the wedding day.

"A child doesn’t need supervision to revise that is a total cop out." - some do. Maybe not standing over them cracking the whip but there to help, advise, mop up tears, provide tea and cake, shout a bit, ensure proper breaks, proper food ...
Much more important than a fancy, spendy weekend

ultimately, the huge sacrifices in time, money and logistical nightmares aren’t warranted for a pissed up weekend that is in no way necessary to support a loved one or their wedding.

Exactly. I basically paid to go on holiday with:

My friend
Approx 10 of her DH's friends' wives and girlfriends (I'd never met them)
4 of my friend's workmates (never met them)
Her 2 cousins
Her 3 SiLs (met one of them once).

All very nice people but I will never see 95% of them again. She'd probably have had a less awkward weekend just doing it for her usual local friendship group.

I’m sure she already knows

understatement given the OP doesn’t seem to have ever visited her and certainly never overnight, not at Christmas, on birthdays, indeed… ever!

What have you fixed? You just said what I said what I said? Genuinely confused.

I agree with these posters too. I have absolutely NO idea why OP is getting so much vitriol - nor why people don't read the full thread before giving her a hard time

I like your style OP (and your mums too for that matter)

This thread has went batshit not only for people thinking you (and now your mum) are unreasonable but also the whole new life they seem to be making up for you

For any hen night there will be people it doesn’t work for. Of course you would want to be there but if circumstances prevent that then so be it. You are making the effort for the wedding that should be enough. Oh and if they say they are making a concession for you by keeping it in the UK when they really wanted Marbella tell them just to go for it and that will make your decision for you

No, the poster is saying it is expensive and inconvenient therefore OP cannot go. You said those 2 things don't mean she cannot go.

It’s semantics but it being expensive and inconvenient doesn’t mean she can’t go it just means she not prepared to put the money and effort in. That’s probably quite reasonable to not want to spend all that money and travel that far but her protests of ‘I absolutely can’t go’ don’t ring true otherwise she would have said no from the off.

Are some of the roasters on here part of this hen party? Bloody hell.

No, YANBU.

Oh my lord. Some of the replies on here. Poor OP.

Of course YANBU. Hen party is a nice to do/ have, but there are loads of reasons people may not be able to make one. OP happens to have a few.

£600-£700 is a lot of money. Especially if they will likely have a similar cost soon after with the wedding.

Her husband is in the military (I am chortlng at the amount of folks who think Army=Military... Pretty certain the Navy and RAF will have views on that!). They are notoriously not clear on schedules, for good operational reasons.

I'm sure OP would love to go to the hen do. A weekend of fun and chilling, without kids, sounds great. But that's not how things always work out.

Also, those suggesting a teen revising for GCSE exams looks after the household... Yikes!

I can see both sides.

Most of your reasons for not committing to the weekend are valid concerns (the cost, the possibility that your DH will be away resulting in childcare issues and difficulty caring for your animals). If people don't have kids and/or pets, they don't always understand what a commitment that is, even if you try to explain it. I remember telling a friend that I couldn't meet her after work because I had to collect my baby DD from the creche (Ex dropped her off in the mornings and I collected her after work). Her incredulous response was, "What, every evening?". I might add that although week nights were difficult for me, I was happy to meet her at weekends. She had a baby herself a few years later and got it then. The GCSE excuse is a weaker one. Even if you're at home, there's no guarantee that your DD will study. You can take a horse to water and all that.......

However, the MoH is trying to organize a weekend away for a mixed group of people (does she even know everyone?). While also keeping the location a secret from your sister - that sounds like an unnecessary complication tbh. She wanted to get the ball rolling in October but you put her off until after Christmas. She/your sister picked a location which would make it easier for you to attend.

It's now January and the MoH's mind has, once again, turned to the subject of the hen weekend and she has made a provisional booking. It's make or break time. At this point, you throw a spanner in the works by saying that you can't attend, due to various reasons. I'm not surprised that your sister is disappointed and I'm sure the MoH is pretty annoyed. They now have to go back to the drawing board and consider (1) changing the date to suit you (but can you commit to any date given your DH's occupation?) or (2) accept that you can't come and perhaps change the location, since they no longer have to take you into consideration. There may also be cost implications. If you're not going, the cost of the trip (and your sister's costs) will have to be split between a smaller group.

In your shoes, I would have phoned the MOH and your sister to explain, before putting a message on the group chat. Some things are better said in person, rather than by text/message. I wouldn't assume you've killed the group chat. The MOH might be waiting to discuss it all with your sister, before deciding on the appropriate course of action. Or (as pps have suggested) they may have started a new group.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you and your family are at the wedding itself and I appreciate that you'll probably have the expense of travelling to the wedding, buying a wedding present, paying for kennels for the animals etc. If you can't make the hen weekend, maybe you could organize an afternoon tea or a lunch with the females in your family (you, your sister, your Mum, your DDs etc.). Could you make up a little gift bag with a wedding magazine, confetti, small wedding photo frame etc.? Or make up a photo book with photos of you and your sister as kids? Just something to mark your sister's transition from single lady to married lady and make her feel a bit special.

Don't be ridiculous. If you cannot afford it, you cannot afford it.

I think it’s fine - you genuinely can’t commit, your DH is in the forces and you simply won’t know if you have childcare yet.

In your position I’d offer to go for the weekend then split the cost with everyone else WHEN you know you’re available to go, but say you can’t commit yet and that they should book without you. If there’s no room to stay in their accommodation at short notice then book a hotel for yourself nearby or just go for all of Saturday, as you’re suggesting.

It’s just a hen do. It’s not a massive deal and it shouldn’t be expected that women with forces husbands can’t attend everything.

The other thing with a horse is you can’t just have anyone look after them. You need someone who knows horses. Otherwise they won’t know to look out for certain things like colic or lameness which could be emergencies.

I've been really surprised by the majority of these comments. You would think you'd said you'd decided not to bother going to the wedding.
I've read your responses and all the comments and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You've made it clear that plans were only confirmed a couple of days ago and that until then you had always said it would be a potential depending on your circumstances. I'm not sure what the issue is. It also seems pretty obvious that because of your children, horses, dogs and the potential of your husband being away that you wouldn't be able to go. That's before you consider the expenses it would involve.
I think you did the right thing letting your sister know and you've also now let the group know. Judging by the comments on here, it seems to suggest that the people in the WhatsApp group are most likely really annoyed at you not being able to magic up money and child care out of thin air for the sake of your sister. As you say, they are likely at a different stage of their lives and don't have the same responsibilities. Several years ago I wouldn't have thought twice about going away for a weekend and spending several hundred pounds on it. These days with child care and other responsibilities there's just no way I could do that.
Your mum is clearly the voice of reason and totally appreciates your circumstances. Hopefully she can talk some sense into your sister and remind her that the wedding is the event you need to attend, not the hen night. I'm sure your sister will have a great time with the friends who are going. I think now that you've told them you can't go, you can leave them to get on with their planning. You don't owe them any further explanations or discussion.

I'm really surprised at so many of these posts. You'd think you had said you weren't going to the wedding.
It seems obvious that you can't just abandon your children, dogs and horses and hope for the best while your husband is away. It also seems obvious that you can't magic money out of thin air for the sake of someone's night out, which is essentially what a hen night is. Given that so many couples live together and have kids before they're married now then the idea of an over the top hen night to celebrate your last night of freedom with the girls is somewhat ridiculous anyway. The wedding is your priority and if you can't make it then you can't make it. You only found out about these plans a couple of days ago and had been clear you couldn't commit so that's on them if they are now taking offence at this.
Your mum sounds like the voice of reason in this and hopefully she can talk some sense into your sister. She can still go and have a great time with her friends, it's not as if you're cancelling the whole thing.
I would just leave the group chat alone now. You've made your position clear and they can now move on and do what they need to. You don't actually owe any of them an explanation or more information.
Completely understand why the care of your horses can't just be left to any random person or a young child. Having grown up around horses, it makes perfect sense. The posters saying you should have thought of that before you got them just made me laugh. As if you were going to plan your life around potential nights out and holidays in the future - while you're at it why did you bother having kids, think of how many hen nights you could have gone on then? Also bin your husband because he's just ruining your ability to do what you want. 🙄 incredible.

I'm really surprised at so many of these posts. You'd think you had said you weren't going to the wedding.

It seems obvious that you can't just abandon your children, dogs and horses and hope for the best while your husband is away. It also seems obvious that you can't magic money out of thin air for the sake of someone's night out, which is essentially what a hen night is. Given that so many couples live together and have kids before they're married now then the idea of an over the top hen night to celebrate your last night of freedom with the girls is somewhat ridiculous anyway. The wedding is your priority and if you can't make it then you can't make it. You only found out about these plans a couple of days ago and had been clear you couldn't commit so that's on them if they are now taking offence at this.

Your mum sounds like the voice of reason in this and hopefully she can talk some sense into your sister. She can still go and have a great time with her friends, it's not as if you're cancelling the whole thing.

I would just leave the group chat alone now. You've made your position clear and they can now move on and do what they need to. You don't actually owe any of them an explanation or more information.

Completely understand why the care of your horses can't just be left to any random person or a young child. Having grown up around horses, it makes perfect sense. The posters saying you should have thought of that before you got them just made me laugh. As if you were going to plan your life around potential nights out and holidays in the future - while you're at it why did you bother having kids, think of how many hen nights you could have gone on then? Also bin your husband because he's just ruining your ability to do what you want. 🙄 incredible.

I'm really surprised at so many of these posts. You'd think you had said you weren't going to the wedding.

It seems obvious that you can't just abandon your children, dogs and horses and hope for the best while your husband is away. It also seems obvious that you can't magic money out of thin air for the sake of someone's night out, which is essentially what a hen night is. Given that so many couples live together and have kids before they're married now then the idea of an over the top hen night to celebrate your last night of freedom with the girls is somewhat ridiculous anyway. The wedding is your priority and if you can't make it then you can't make it. You only found out about these plans a couple of days ago and had been clear you couldn't commit so that's on them if they are now taking offence at this.

Your mum sounds like the voice of reason in this and hopefully she can talk some sense into your sister. She can still go and have a great time with her friends, it's not as if you're cancelling the whole thing.

I would just leave the group chat alone now. You've made your position clear and they can now move on and do what they need to. You don't actually owe any of them an explanation or more information.

Completely understand why the care of your horses can't just be left to any random person or a young child. Having grown up around horses, it makes perfect sense. The posters saying you should have thought of that before you got them just made me laugh. As if you were going to plan your life around potential nights out and holidays in the future - while you're at it why did you bother having kids, think of how many hen nights you could have gone on then? Also bin your husband because he's just ruining your ability to do what you want. 🙄 incredible.

In many people worlds, being expensive automatically means we can’t afford it. Money is individual and £6-700 is not something I could afford to spend on a hen weekend no matter how much I loved the person. To make out that expensive isn’t a reason to not be able to go is simply deluded to many people.

In many people worlds, being expensive automatically means we can’t afford it. Money is individual and £6-700 is not something I could afford to spend on a hen weekend no matter how much I loved the person. To make out that expensive isn’t a reason to not be able to go is simply deluded to many people.