I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Lol.

Why would I have, there are lots of details I didn’t add, my job doesn’t affect the hen because it is fairly flexible and isn’t over weekends.

I mentioned things that were stopping me going, child and animal care and money…

Its really not that hard to comprehend.

I have no idea why the OP is still arguing when she acknowledged the nub of the matter hours ago:

If I’m guilty of anything in this process it’s being non committal and I do get how frustrating that must be and maybe I should have said no from the get go but if reflecting it’s because at the end of the day I didn’t want to let me sister down.

Regardless of whether DH was going to be available you always knew that this would be a pricey event, because you know that your DSis has previously spent £1-2k on attending hen dos within her friendship group and these are clearly women at a stage in their lives when they have a bit of disposable income. It was never likely that you would be able to attend but you didn’t want to upset your DSis at the time and you simply delayed the inevitable.

Stop arguing with strangers on the internet and perhaps consider organising a separate, small, family-only event for your DSis, DM, and maybe your DD(s).

Army/“Forces”. Same thing.

No it isn't. 🙄

More stuff just being made up. How dare you talk for 83% of the people who voted on here. 😆The entitlement is astonishing.

Your intelligence is blinding.

"Army/“Forces”. Same thing."

I'd like to see you go into a navy pub and say that. That would be funny (for other people).

As is her last post. Speaking out on behalf of the 83% who voted YANBU 😂😂😂😂. Apparently we didn't read your posts.

And you know this how? Do you have access to the mumsnet servers?

If you are really really honest with yourself is there maybe a teeny tiny part of you that is pissed off not to be asked to act as MOH?

Sorry, I don't have children and my husband doesn't have complex working arrangements. And even I can understand that if you're not near family and friends you can't really just magic childcare out of your arse to gallivant to the other end of the country. And not every village and town has a plethora of babysitters who can look after multiple children and animals.

People are being properly weird.

@TheLastTimeISawRichard
Still waiting to hear how it would have worked if it was cheaper?
You don’t want to go because it’s expensive and inconvenient. It’s not that you can’t go.
Your sister and her friends are irritated that you’ve lead them on and influenced their arrangements then pulled out. Simple.

OP I have no idea why you are getting such a hard time! YANBU.

You have let the organiser know it’s impossible as soon as you knew the details and had time to try and figure it out.

Your parenting commitments must come first. Fact of life. Animal care can’t be left. You can’t commit to something without knowing your DHs availability.

Generally I think the amount of money spent on hen and stag things and weddings is ridiculous TBH.

I can see why people might be upset you can’t go but you have responsibilities- a few weeks earlier you’d have probably found the money to go.

Army/“Forces”. Same thing.

Someone has never heard of the Royal Navy....

This is thread has got bat shit and I’m now here for the comedy factor.

My favourites so far

I can’t work because I didn’t add it in my original post.

Ive gone from owning a few animals to a full livery yard.

The Army is the same as every tri-service

My 9, 13 and 15 year old would be fine left alone to fend for a weekend.

I didn’t commit to a date back in October due to Christmas jumper day

My mum is a dick

I should have based life plans and choices around future girly trips.

Hen do’s come before veterinary care.

Having a BIL who is was a submariner in the RN for years, I know it makes your life a logistic bloody nightmare! My sister never knew the place and deployments often got unexpectedly extended or brought forward etc. if you haven't lived that life you really can't judge.

*plans not place

Bloody hell - what planet do the people on mumsnet live on? It’s a hen do, if you can’t go because you live 500 miles away, have children (doesn’t really matter what age - unless in their 20’s) a zoo, oh and a dh away - then you can’t go. I would like to think that my sister would be forgiving and understanding and if she wasn’t, then I’d tell her to wind her neck in.

Stand your ground and don’t be bullied into going. When you’re a grown up with responsibilities it is not always easy to drop everything and sometimes (heaven forbid) you may not even want to drop everything.

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. This thread is batshit.

It’s just a hen do ffs.

OP, bow out of the 2 Day Old (for the hard of thinking) plans, ignore the nut job replies on here and organise a meal in a decent restaurant for you and your sister on a night your DH is home.

Your reasons are all valid but to someone without the same issues they probably think it’s weird you don’t know your husbands hours and surely you just get a nanny and a dog sitter and you’re sorted

I would have thought the OP's sister would understand why her sister doesn't know her husband's hours.

As for getting a nanny and a dog sitter, well maybe the dog sitter is an option but a nanny would be ludicrously expensive for an entire weekend (and query if you can even get one for weekends).

OP, ignore the vipers on here.

You really think they are going to understand your plight? I do, but only through my sister. She was an army wife and she struggled so much with the lifestyle (I know your husband isn't army).

Carry on with what you need to do, and DO NOT feel bad for it. Only you know the true stressors which you are under.

Good luck with whatever you decide and stay strong.

500 randomers on the Internet, who haven't a clue, are simply unable to see past their own lifestyles. It's like entering another dimension on here, sometimes.

Even some of us who haven't, can guess. And I would have thought that if your sister was married to someone in the Forces, you could also guess.

Some people really can’t grasp that not everyone has the means and help as others

and also think if you don't, it's a major problem and why did you have kids anyway? If we don't all have an extended family nearby we all have to make friends with other parents - good enough friends that they'd be prepared to take our offspring, dogs and larger animals for a weekend. Yeah right.

Op

did you sister ever in a million years actually get expect you to come given all your set in stone commitments?! Seems somewhat naive of her

Even some of us who haven't, can guess. And I would have thought that if your sister was married to someone in the Forces, you could also guess.

Exactly! God I'd completely understand my sister struggling to make my hen do in this situation, if she was unsure of BIL's deployment etc. Unfortunately the MoD like to spring surprises on families last minute!! I've been through a lot of it with my sister, it's bloody hard on family life.

OP - YADNBU - and well done for standing up to some of the absolute battshittery that's been thrown at you on this thread!