I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

This thread has become really quite nasty. OP, I recommend setting it aside and sorting out how you feel/what you want to do now in your own head. Some extremely vitriolic comments on here from all sides.

@YouJustDoYou and why she couldn’t answer a query in October because of Christmas?

I’m with your Mum OP. It’s only a hen do. Don’t know why they’re such a big deal. It’s not the actual wedding ffs. Can’t believe how precious people are about them! Sorry you’re being slated. It’s wonderful to have so much support - people who think you should just magic up some money and ditch your kids. Ridiculous. Ignore the haters.

Correct…

Our last holiday was 2017 and the last time I was “back home” was 2019.

Some people really can’t grasp that not everyone has the means and help as others.

I think what’s annoying people is that all these responsibilities are choices that the OP has made.

they are not externally foisted upon her.

so it may indeed be reasonable to make a decision that - given the choices she has made - she will disappointed her sister. But it is not reasonable to have not thought about this in October and to have messed around everyone else.

I can't actually believe most of these responses.

Having a husband with very hard to plan job, 3 kids and pets (not a fish you can palm off to someone like that) and a massive expenditure during cost of living crisis and people giving you a hard time OP.

I think it's so unreasonable for people to expect you to fork out (even your sis, because she won't be paying at all, so easy for her to say), also, she is an adult, not a 5 year old who was told Santa was not real.

Why are you picking one small part of my logistics…

Had DH definitely been home I’d have been able to have gone.

Had they decided on cheaper options I’d have been able to have

At no point have I ever said the horses are the sole reason I can’t make it, they are just a part of bigger picture of what needs to be organised to get away.

Bloody hell - what planet do the people on mumsnet live on? It’s a hen do, if you can’t go because you live 500 miles away, have children (doesn’t really matter what age - unless in their 20’s) a zoo, oh and a dh away - then you can’t go. I would like to think that my sister would be forgiving and understanding and if she wasn’t, then I’d tell her to wind her neck in.

Stand your ground and don’t be bullied into going. When you’re a grown up with responsibilities it is not always easy to drop everything and sometimes (heaven forbid) you may not even want to drop everything.

But if it was cheaper who would look after the children and horses if your husband was away?

Right, but that is a result of the choices you have made.

You have chosen to be tied down by a load of animals. You have chosen to have a husband in the army etc etc.

You knew you would not be able to commit and should have been clear. You weren’t, so yeah, this is all on you.

Op could your parents look after the homestead to enable you to go?

Actually never as my husband isn’t in the Army.

"Had they decided on cheaper options I’d have been able to have"

So in October you say, I can come but only if it fits my budget of X. If not, thanks but count me out.

Even now you're dithering with a "definitely, maybe, I'll look into it". When someone invites you to an event, whatever it is, reply in a timely manner and be straight with them.

You have chosen to be tied down by a load of animals. You have chosen to have a husband in the army etc etc. You knew you would not be able to commit and should have been clear. You weren’t, so yeah, this is all on you.

Yeah, OP, how dare you make life choices that may affect future attendance of a hen party!

NB OP only made it clear she could not attend when the actual dates and details came through. I don't know why she's getting such a hard time. Nobody in the wedding party has lost any money and there's loads of time for them to arrange something different.

The 'God, everyone here is so unreasonable, what happened to Mumsnet people are so much more aggressive and unpleasant than basically everyone else on the thread

As opposed to the ones who say "just get a nanny" or "I live rurally and have no problem with childcare" or "your mum doesn't seem to like your sister"...yeah totally reasonable responses 😆.

It’s interesting to me that I have never mentioned in ANY of my posts my working arrangement but yet you seem to know.

Do you often make stories up about people you have never met?

I work 30 hours a week for a big charity and also volunteer for another 5.

😂😂😂 she don’t want to spend an extensive amount of time with these girls especially with the added cost and travel etc involved. It’s just that this other factor has been omitted. I totally understand and have been guilty of this in the past many times. It definitely don’t win you friends but fuck it! Although it is your sister 👀

Interesting you can’t tell me how the logistics could have worked of it had been cheaper?

Kitcaterpillar

Aggressive you say? This is the people you're saying are reasonable? 😂

Honestly you’re making a misery of what should be a memorable event for your sister (and not memorable because you created a family rift and got your frankly nasty sounding mother onside “having your back” for being a* shit sister).*

Come off it

your “working arrangement” would have been detailed in incredible detail in your very looong OP. If you had one that is aside from twice daily feeling the “large animals” 😂

I'm a pretty unsociable person these days. I like to be at home. I have family commitments that make it tricky for me to get away and I kind of resent people asking me to do stuff that's going to make me leave my little bubble.

But I have to say once I get out I never regret it. It does me good to be around people and to have a break from the family bubble. You have commitments that much is clear. But it does sound a bit like you're finding reasons not to go too. And I think in time you may regret it.

It will mean a lot to your sister if you're there and I think it'll mean a lot to you too. There are always ways around these things. I would really try to make the effort if you can.

Fgs, some people are bat shit on here! OP, yanbu and currently 83% of folk agree with me. All the reasons sound good enough and it’s a logistical nightmare to attend. Your DS will get over it.

But OP you don’t know if your dh will be home this summer so can’t commit to any night away, even if it’s affordable for you. So unless everyone agreed not to book anything until the last minute, you knew you couldn’t go irrespective of what they planned.

plus if you had a max budget you could afford, it would have been sensible to think about this and say “I can’t afford more than £x” rather than expecting people who don’t know you to just magically know what your budget is.

your communication has been pretty awful so no wonder your sister is annoyed that you’ve messed people about. You should apologise.

OP. I’ve only read your responses and it seems like you are taking a hammering.

bloody ridiculous!

For a start your sister needs to cop on. What’s with all this ‘she can’t know what’s happening so the occasion needs to be skirted around’? Of course she should know what her guests are being asked to spend. And I most definitely would not be spending 600+ for a night away a couple of weeks before more outlay for the actual day of the wedding.

This is old school mumsnet, casting wild aspersions about someone’s life. Your riding stables, how can you afford horses if you can’t go to your sisters hen? Why do you have all these animals you are obviously unable to afford. You’re useless children who should be able to run a house while you skip off to the other side of the country. And finally your feckless Army Major General husband, why does he not know when he deploys to Ukraine?

Have I reached far enough?

Listen to your mother, not the bridezillas by proxy on here.

That’s because they haven’t read any of OP’s subsequent posts.