I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

The kids are 9 13 and 15

“grown up”?

But for most people - the problem isn’t that the OP isn’t going, it’s that if she thought about back at the start when hen dos were being discussed, unless the hen do was in her home town /within an hour of her house and not overnight, then she can’t go. Given the bride and all other hens live 500 miles away, that wasn’t going to likely unless she suggested /organised it.

So in the way both mums politely stepped back, the OP should have done the same at the start. Why even go through the pretence that she’d ever go, leading to the other hens trying to factor her in to the planning, trying to find a location she can get to etc, when she wouldn’t be going anyway?

and then even after that, she didn’t drop out completely but dangled a “I might be able to go for the day if you arrange it somewhere I can get to” yet probably won’t.

the rude / unreasonable bit is the faffing and not being clear that it’s just not possible. It’s rude to waste other peoples time because you want to keep your options open.

We go away about once every 4 years on average since living here and that’s only ever been to visit other family members. I last had an actual holiday abroad in 2006. I live on the coast so plenty of access to beaches, swimming, sailing etc. I don’t think DC are missing out at all.

Some people prioritise going to the pub, eating out or going away to a hotel for a few days but those activities don’t interest me in the slightest. It’s really no big deal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly 🤔

They've created a separate Whatsapp.

@Gigglechop I was talking about my friend's DIL's DC who are grown up. The DIL has loads of animals and never goes on holiday.

@SchoolQuestionnaire You can't just leave horses and dogs to fend for themselves. The OP said she did want to go, but she can't magic up the funds or the help required to make it possible. Can I suggest that you hit the select all button on the OP's posts and read all of her updates.

The venue for the hen was only suggested a few days ago BTW.

But The OP lives 500 miles away from her sister, her mum and all the other hens. If they did this simple hen do night out, the OP would still have to spend money on transport and a hotel overnight and arrange child/animal care. She still wouldn’t be able to go.

Ah. I have been here, in a much easier logistical sense. I was bridesmaid for my best friend who lives 200 miles away and her cousin insisted on organising a hen weekend on a date I could come, as basically the priority guest. Now, this was in fact a middle of nowhere hot tub cottage but they decided to go another 75 miles north. I did in the end make it via a 12 hour round trip when petrol was £2 a litre (DS was hospitalised a few times last year so I bricked it a bit) Dh taking holiday and me taking an unpaid leave day from work, but it is so hard to say no when do-organisers think that because you have had sway on the date it means you can 100% commit.

I am another who thinks they'll have set up another Whatsapp to avoid the awkwardness of kicking you out.

If I was one of the hens I'd be very annoyed that the whole group were having to travel 250 miles away to accommodate someone who couldn't even be bothered to reply, "because, Christmas".

I think you've messed around enough OP by not replying and being passive. I'd contact the maid of honour and be very clear. No more false promises or "I'll try to look at...".

Also I have no idea why you're being so mean about the maid of honour and the group of 'girls' who sound like they've accommodated you into the plans despite hearing nothing really from you. Stop being so condescending to people who clearly want to do something nice for your sister. It's making you come across a bit bitter and weird.

I think if you plan an expensive, more than one days' length hen do then part of what goes with that is that you have to accept that some people won't be able to make it. It's a choice that can inevitably have that consequence, like having a child free wedding, or a destination wedding. I think if you're going to get upset about that kind of thing then you're really planning the wrong kind of party to manage your own expectations.

I don't think the bride has any right to get pissy about any of this - it's her choice to have this kind of do, and the whole weird thing about the surprise being spoilt (even though she gave the organiser a list of places to pick from, so other than specific bar names, not exactly the biggest surprise ever) makes her sound a bit childish.

The fact your DC has GCSEs is enough. This is more important than a hen weekend.

Explain to your sister. You will be at the wedding.

I hadn’t even read any of your posts so no idea what you’re going on about

i was responding to the… OP’s scenario.

Not your bloomin “friend’s DIL” 😂

so not one single night away (putting aside holiday, in talking a night away for anything)?

Yanbu in the slightest.

I would never pay 600 quid to go to someone's hen do, whoever and wherever it was. Even if I could afford to. And not would I expect to be treated so childishly from other friends and family who are stupid enough to buy into this consumer madness.

How many times a day do you reckon OP tells people she has THREE CHILDREN and an ARMY HUSBAND and HORSES and DOGS….

organising cover and paying for it for a family holiday would be a much higher priority than for a stag or hen too for all those what about holidays.

Dh got invited to a foreign stag. It would have been family holiday or stag so we booked a family holiday and he declined the stag, because family holiday trumps stag/hen.

But NO JOB and the DC are all SCHOOL
AGED

Honestly you’re making a misery of what should be a memorable event for your sister (and not memorable because you created a family rift and got your frankly nasty sounding mother onside “having your back” for being a shit sister).

Please leave them all alone. Leave the group chat and let them have a lovely time without you souring it for everyone.

I do have kids, pets, responsibilities, few childcare options and unpredictability to contend with but I wouldn’t have made the meal of this thar you have and I definitely don’t shut up shop on any form of forward planning for family or people who mean something to me in October because of Christmas.

How bitchy of you. She was just explaining re why it's not so easy just to drop everything and travel 500 miles away.

How judgemental of you. What a delight you must be.

I can see your point of view. I also have a 15yo with exams coming up. DH is pushing for a holiday at Easter (not happening as we can’t afford it plus revision plus DD is going to Florida with a friend in July).I have suggested 1 week after Easter for the 2 of us but I have an 18yo who can oversee his sisters and my sister 20 miles away in an emergency. We left the 3 alone for a long weekend in June so we know they can cope, now ti decide where to go (that won’t cost an arm and a leg).w3also just have 2 dogs not other animals to care for,

I think Sharon and the girls have been taken for a merry ride by you OP. Please just say you won't take part under any circumstances due to Horses and Dogs taking GCSEs so that they can get on and plan with the new budget.

And not would I expect to be treated so childishly from other friends and family who are stupid enough to buy into this consumer madness.

They're young women who evidently have some disposable income and enjoy spending that celebrating each others marriages. Good for them, there's enough posts on here about the monotony of the daily grind.

I was a sahm for …. 8 years!

No judgement

but I sure as heck didn’t think I was the BUSIEST WOMAN ON THE PLANET!!