I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Blimey, some people get very angry about hen dos, don't they? Even ones to do with people they don't even know.

There are some exceptionally aggressive comments on here.

I’d put money on these three DC being early to mid teens

Your Sister will surely understand your situation? She's the only one you need to worry about.

Wrong.

9, 13 and 15 but well done for guessing

I agree no one has the right to be pissed off if someone declines to go, its an invitation not a summons. But that doesn't mean people aren't entitled to do what they want and what they can afford. I've not had a hen do in years, but they've varied from weekends in Barcelona to the local Indian restaurant and a few pubs after. I don't require people to be told not to have these hen dos so I don't have to go, I'm quite capable of deciding that myself.

And a few local drinks and home by 10 is fine of all your friends live local, but with Uni, people moving around, hobbies etc I invited friends from all around Britain basically, a quick Balti and two drinks in the Red Lion would have seemed a bit off for someone travelling 4 hours to get to me

although i do think with a reliable babysitter overnight for one night of course it's fine - otherwise no-one with teens would ever go away for a night! With a good babysitter and a capable teen the horses and dogs should be fine - but maybe I'm the only person on this thread who thinks teens can look after horses and dogs for a day

To be fair I would feel uncomfortable being several hours away. I think it is a big ask of a 15 year old who is under GCSE pressure.

I wish the posters who think it is easy to magic up a responsible adult for child/animal care and funds for the hen do would bog off. What is so difficult to understand?

What an utterly Bizarre post. 🤣

Are you 12 years old or do you really have no concept of what life is like for other families?

OP’s mum sounds like me and my friends and none of us would encourage a family member to prioritise attending a hen party when it’s clearly a logistical nightmare.

It’s only meant to be a bit of silly fun, after all.

The wedding is the only event that requires attendance, if possible, although my brother missed my wedding and it was no big deal to me. We’re still close.

I'm certainly not in the minority among my friends - I'd say not being able to get a decent rural babysitter is the exception rather than the rule

Stop talking utter shite😂

So you know everyone who lives rurally do you? Or just your little group of friends...who probably do each others babysitting?

Get them to come to you (although is it just me that is suprised that you have so much on your plate and a partner in the forces, how do you manage?))

Perfect age for sleepovers

I'd say not being able to get a decent rural babysitter is the exception rather than the rule

I wouldn't.

Perfect age for sleepovers

What about the animals?

Does the OP never go on holiday? Ever?

What are these “large animals” are we talking a full onfarm here or stables?

Hen dos are important to some people. Some people on here seem to be making a moral judgment about that ‘it’s not what I value so you shouldn’t either’. Sister of the bride is an import role for a small hen do and you have about 15 excuses which make it seem like you’re not that bothered.
Your sister and your friends are clearly upset with you, some of us have tried to give you an insight into what they might be feeling/thinking but you just want to repeatedly say we are wrong.
If it’s so completely impossible for you to go why was it ever even on the table? you should have said no from the outset because they have tried to accommodate you and are pissed that you didn’t really have any intention of coming. I would be too.

Does the OP never go on holiday? Ever?

My friend's son and DIL never go on holiday because they have horses, dogs, cats and hens. Some people are horse mad and would rather have the hassle of looking after a horse rather than go on holiday (yes, I think they are bonkers as well)

My feeling is weddings have become ridiculous with the time, effort and money expected of others.

You have a family and other commitments to tend to, which come first. If you did cause confusion it was only from trying to meet something that's really just out of your reach, it's not a crime.

I'd just ride it out, let the chat board go silent for a while, and stick to your guns. The important thing is to be there for the wedding. The rest will all soon pass.

You sound completely unhinged....it's worrying.....

And some people just don't get what a logistical nightmare it is for some people to go.

Hmm usually I'm on the side of the OP on these but honestly it sounds like you're finding reasons not to go.

I also have several animals and you can easily pay for cover for horses, dogs, cats with a trusted person. Likewise your children sound old enough to look after themselves with just someone popping in / keeping them in line.

I understand the cost, but you've had (and still have) quite a while to save up. It's not often your sister gets married is it!

The 'God, everyone here is so unreasonable, what happened to Mumsnet' people are so much more aggressive and unpleasant than basically everyone else on the thread.

I wonder how the kids feel about that

Ultimately feelings don’t trump facts

sisters feeling can be hurt all they want but if the op cannot magic up say £600 spare cash she can’t, if ops dh is deployed his deployed, if there is no babysitter because all family is 500 miles away they are all that far away. If there is no available farm hand or money to hire one again that cannot be changed.

I don’t use random people as babysitters for my own children so I won’t say that’s an option because that’s personal to the op.

Maybe op doesn’t holiday not everyone does, maybe one parent stays home while the other takes the children away who knows.

In which the conversation should have been. ‘We have to organise a hen weekend’
’oh sorry, I won’t be able to come I can’t ever leave the horses’

I wonder how the kids feel about that

They have grown up now so if they want to go away they can.

I also have several animals and you can easily pay for cover for horses, dogs, cats with a trusted person. Likewise your children sound old enough to look after themselves with just someone popping in / keeping them in line.

What is it about the OP saying she can't afford it don't you understand? I imagine that with her DH being in the forces they have moved around a lot so she probably doesn't know anyone well enough to trust them to keep an eye on her DC. And there is no way I would have wanted to be 500 miles away from them at that age. Do you have children of the OP's age?

Surprised the sis wouldn’t have been aware of the fact that her sister never ever ever goes away for more than a few hours

I think yabu as this isn’t just any hen, it’s your sister. I understand the difficulties of being a military family, I know a lot via dc’s school. It’s tough, but the women I know all have a fantastic support network of other military families to help out in situations like this. Is this not the case for you?

Agree with a pp that the kids could potentially stay with friends - I’ve had my ds’s friend previously when his parents were away for a few days. I also find it very difficult to believe that you don’t have a single friend at the yard who could take care of your horses as a favour - you could offer to reciprocate the next time they want to go away. Which would just leave the kennel for the dog.

It really does seem as though you just don’t want to go, which I do understand as hens are really not my thing. But I would move heaven and earth to attend for a good friend or my dsis.