I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Until reading this thread I never realised that hen parties were such a sacred part of marriage rituals that one had to simply suck up and mindly follow the crowd.

Op is being castigated for even talking to her own sister about this imbroglio - spoiling the surprise! Heavens, I must go lie down.

Is she not allowed to have a lot of animals in case she is ever invited to something?
Her husband works away.

Its too expensive

How are those week reasons?

Did you ask if they could do a few weeks before when your DH is home?

Your mum sounds very sensible. Sharon and your sister will have to be grown-ups about it. If they aren't dicks themselves they'll figure out soon enough you've done nothing wrong.

There are a lot of ridiculous people on this thread, OP. Ignore them.

End of the day: the timing is off due to childcare/petcare issues; your DH may well be deployed, which is completely out of your control; you have no family who can step in for you as you live 500 miles away from anyone; you, frankly, can't afford what they're planning. Family responsibilities come first.

You can't go. It's a hen do, not the actual wedding, which I'm sure she'll want you to prioritise.

That comment by your mum is horrible, I hope you are lying about what she said.

My sister would be one of the people who I would want at my hen do the very most. If I was your sister, I would be considering your family/work needs and making sure you could be there. I think she should be highlighting more to the MoH how important it is that you're there.

I do understand why your sister isn't doing this though. She wants a surprise and wants it organised for her.

Unless you have a friend that you can leave in charge of your children and animals, I think you going for the daytime hen do is a good idea.

"Hire a nanny for the weekend"

FFS, the privilege of some on here! Why are you deliberately ignoring the posts where OP has said she can't afford the hen do? Yet you're throwing more costs onto her.

OP, you've done nothing wrong. I don't know why this thread has taken the turn that it has. It seems to have attracted a bridezilla audience.

"Do you think this bullying tone is necessary or helpful?"

I don't think it's a bullying tone. I think the OP and her mother have a patronising tone though. Silly little girls wanting a insta-ready night out etc etc. (and I'm likely older than the OP and don't have insta. I can still see there's no need for it)

Me too. I feel bad for the sister.

Omg YANBU and I am shocked at a lot of these comments having a go at you!!!

It’s not horrible it’s just straight to the point!! And true!

That comment by your mum is horrible, I hope you are lying about what she said

Oh for goodness sake will you stop. Grow up 😂

What on earth has happened to Mumsnet recently?

It really isn't. It's a direct but sensible confirmation that if needs be the mum will help the sister to be reasonable and accept that her hen do is not that important in the grand scheme of things. Which it isn't. This isn't the wedding we're talking about.

Don't bother you will never convince half of mumsnet that in the real world lots of people actively like spending time with their friends...

It would be interesting to know the ages of the "what's wrong with a meal in the local pub" crowd. If big hen parties aren't your thing that's absolutely fine but it's the bizarre head-in-the-sand insistence that poor Sharon is being completely unreasonable for planning an insanely ott party when actually it sounds fairly moderate within the range of hen parties over at least the last decade, and OP herself has confirmed it's actually low key for her sisters particular friendship circle (which is obviously more relevant than the experiences of random Internet strangers who haven't been to a hen since 1979).

There are plenty of things I wouldn't choose to spend my money on (which lots of mumsnetters probably go for - ironically I can't think of anything worse than secret santa or panto which op was happy to splash cash on, let alone loads of random animals....) but I don't find it odd or actively refuse to believe that other people do!

These threads about costly (time and money) hen dos come up on here all the time.

Here's a thought: why not just have a night out, like in the old days? Didn't cost much, doesn't involve people spending shedloads of money (which many cannot really afford) and doesn't tend to make it extremely problematic for those with families and other responsibilities?

These things aren't compulsory, often create ill-feeling and end up pissing at least 2 people off.

Why - at a time when an awful lot of people are finding it hard to pay their bills - is this still a thing?

Silly little girls wanting a insta-ready night out etc etc

That's exactly what it sounds like. All trying to one-up each other on their 'celebrations'. This thread is riddled with them too. The absolute entitlement of them to expect people to fork out hard earned money and to fuck with everything else. Someone even had the brass neck to tell OP to hire a nanny.

Because not everyone is on the bones of their arses

and I have LOVED every hen Do I have ever been on!

True. The sister shouldn't be annoyed that the OP can't just drop everything and fly in but we don't know that's why she's upset.

The OP should've just declined months ago!

Fuck, you're completely mental. I have no idea how to begin explaining how. I've never read such nonsensical bullshit in my life .. is it April fools???

ops mum isn’t horrible either lots of family’s don’t actually put tons of pressure on I no it’s means must go. My own mum wouldn’t bat an eye lid if my brother hadn’t of attended my wedding due to his plans and I already know he wants a child free wedding when he marries if I can make it I will but if I can’t get or afford childcare I won’t go. It’s really no big deal on my side. Also the kind of family who can go months without talking hell years with my brother and it’s all cool no falling out just different people different lives and busy.

My in-laws are however invite means summons. So much pressure.

@ladygindiva the air of busy self-importance is the only thing I notice too. Well, that and the not being arsed to decline in a timely manner

OP - your life is busy because you've made it busy. No one forced you to have horses and kids and whatever else. No one is forcing you to helicopter parent your child through their exams.

Oh wow. Yeah OP how dare you create a life. See, this just validates my previous posts about the entitlement of some of the posters on here. They truly expect people to drop everything for their 'celebrations' it would seem.

I don’t believe a word of what you post as you’re clearly utterly clueless about the reality of living rurally when your nearest village is 3 miles, nearest town 7 miles…, and without access to those magic money trees.

I suspect you’re only here for a wind up.

Problem is, surprise aside, it would mean expecting sisters friends to travel hundreds of miles to stay near op so they can go out for lunch and maybe a few drinks and be done before tea