I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

I wouldn’t leave a 15 year old to revise without supervision when its the most important exams they’ve had in school so far. Sis will understand that if she has kids.

Its also not a weak excuse not knowing if your partner will be off or not. Im in the same boat and its horrible when everyone else can plan things and you cant say yes/no. Perhaps she felt pressured in todays world of ridiculously fancy Hen Do’s to go as it was her Sis, but really knew it would be a struggle?

Another thread that also shows how silly its getting with Hen Do’s/Baby Showers etc and its ending up with people having to turn down spending time with friends/family. Im so glad I kept mine fairly cheap (meal/night out/cocktails) and had a big group of friends/family that all loved being there.

Yeah I'm not sure how anyone could read this thread and not feel sorry for the sister. But it seems to have made the OP feel better to get that response from her mum.

So having spoilt the surprise for your sister you are off to have it out with Sharon. One suggestion is for the hen do to come to you? Are there any hot tub cottages near to you? You could then pop back for the horses and revising child in the eve .

It's not just because you can't afford it though is it? Also I'd imagine she's upset too. Imagine.

Wow! Did you even read the OP? Not everything is insurmountable, especially with the unknown of deployments. I can see why your family bail out.

Don't be absurd. She can't she's TOO BUSY. Busier than you and me and her sister and busier than everyone. Also not sure if you know but her husband isn't home a lot.

Its got ridiculous - im so glad we had fab Hen Do’s before it was about how Insta perfect they looked.

It was a night out not too many years ago. Now people are expecting their friends to pay for a mini holiday for a Hen Do, then a wedding (outfits, accommodation, travel, present etc), then pay out for any number of baby showers when kids come along. Aswell, as all the normal birthday events throughout the year. Its gone mad!

Some people actually like going on trips with their friends. Hen dos have probably expanded as women earned more and had the money to go away.
For those who don't want the expense or inconvenience, the option to say no in a timely and appropriate fashion always exists.

But this isn't what the OPs sister and friends want to do. Based on the OP's original post, they enjoy their big extravagant hen dos and that's fine, it's their money.

They tried to accomodate the OP and it hasn't worked. Sharon is busy googling the cost of beds at O Beach and how to not get groped by Wayne Lineker, not planning a countryside hike.

Busy repeatedly telling Sharon it sounds lovely and how wonderful and hopefully she can make it, while having zero intention of doing so! There is 100% a new group chat entitled “FFS!”

Massive thread so I have read OP's posts but not all of the others. OP's reasons not to attend are valid but could easily have been communicated in October.

I am mostly wondering how OP thinks anyone gets anything done after 31st October, and how anyone can possibly think it is acceptable to copy and paste a private text message on to a public forum.

For those who don't want the expense or inconvenience

@rookiemere I'm sure you meant to write 'For those who can't afford the costs proposed and have life circumstances that make it impossible.'

and how anyone can possibly think it is acceptable to copy and paste a private text message on to a public forum.

Because its validated the OPs view that she is the single busiest person in the world. Ever. Bar None.

OP - your life is busy because you've made it busy. No one forced you to have horses and kids and whatever else. No one is forcing you to helicopter parent your child through their exams.

This Hen party, you've made quite clear, is not important to you. You are far too busy feeding and clothing the 5000 and generally being so importantly busy with your own super important prioirities that this is like a fly in your ear because they're silly little girls with no responsibilities.

You're a very important person doing very important things and everyone else should respect that and plan around you, am I right?

But guess what, its important to your sister. Your air of importance doesn't trump that.

God forbid you missed 5 minutes of an oh so important panto to feed back to Sharon (who sounds like a great friend btw) in a timely manner.

Massive thread so I have read OP's posts but not all of the others. OP's reasons not to attend are valid but could easily have been communicated in October.

I can understand that people's budget in Autumn might be centred around affording the expenses of Christmas. Then after Christmas and only then can they afford to save/plan etc for other things.

Honesty from the start would be best (cant afford it/gcse’s come first etc), perhaps theres too much pressure with Hen Do’s that she felt she couldn’t say no?

Sure, Christmas is expensive, but the expense is reasonably predictable. Any major unpredictable expenses (burst pipes, vet treatment, car needing a new clutch, etc) could just as easily happen in February or June. It doesn't sound like OP is in paid employment and her DH's work sounds unpredictable in practical terms but secure in financial terms. What then was going to change or be unforeseeable in her finances between October and January?

Much more likely that OP just kicked it into the long grass because she didn't want to say no back then, with the unfortunate consequence that she has caused more upset by saying no now.

These young 9-5 girls with their excitable ways know nothing about feeding and clothing 5 people (in Christmas jumpers) horses, big dogs, 8 reindeer and small petting farm. They are too full of big ideas and cocktails for the 'gram and excessively saying "super". What happened to a night out with an inflatable willy? That reminds me, must ask important husband with important job if I may have one evening out for half a shandy.

Apologies you are right, not everyone can afford these things.

I think you’re at a very different time in your life so it’s perhaps hard for them to truely understand the commitments you have. I think it may have been better if you had said specifically at the start it was cost and childcare dependant.

I think some of the comments are a bit harsh. People can’t stop their lives for a hen do, and some people have no support with responsibilities so it’s not as easy as ‘just make it work’. You can’t just not look after children and animals and sometimes cover falls through.

You can’t unfry an egg but I would have spoken to your sister and Sharon first to ask them for suggestions on how you could make it work before the group chat- maybe do this now. Not that it’s their problem, but sometimes if people try and problem solve the issue for themselves rather than just get told it won’t work they’re a bit more willing to believe you’re actually trying rather than just not bothering. Your reasons are all valid but to someone without the same issues they probably think it’s weird you don’t know your husbands hours and surely you just get a nanny and a dog sitter and you’re sorted. Its a good idea to try and join for a day and night if you can.

I struggle with stuff as I have a similar zoo and no family other than my Husband for childcare so I do sympathise.

Another poster running with their own Narrative…

I did not run off to spoil the surprise for my sister, unless she had no idea she was actually having a hen do at all, which is simply not the case…

I simply wanted to explain myself and so she didn’t hear it 2nd hand why the weekend was too much for me…

No places, plans, surprises were shattered!!

@TheLastTimeISawRichard You literally said you think your sister is upset because you've ruined the 'surprise aspect'. Your own words, hardly PP creating a narrative.

I have noticed you being very unpleasant on this thread, very much part of a pile on and this is just too nasty to ignore.

Op, you stated your reasons and your family is behind you even if you sister is being a bit immature at the moment. Don't mind the trolls on this thread.

Do you think this bullying tone is necessary or helpful?

The comments on here are very harsh!

OP, I think your reasons for not attending are completely understandable. I think all you have really done wrong is not making things clear to Sharon in October that it was very unlikely you'd be able to attend.

In your situation, I would probably apologise profusely to DS and perhaps buy her some nice spa day vouchers (or something similar) which you can both enjoy together, at a time which works for both of you, pre or post wedding.

TBH, I doubt your sister's friends are that bothered you can't attend, as they'll still have a great time. I think your offer to attend for the day is also entirely reasonable and a nice gesture.

OMG for those at the back and those that just prefer to come up with their own series of events.

I didn’t say I couldn’t go in October because there were no solid plans discussed or made in October, there was just a message from Sharon saying she was keen to get the ball rolling and I said I understood but because of DH’s program for this year couldn’t commit at that point, (I also knew financially it would have been too tight with just November and December pay before Christmas, Im not sure in this day and age and with cost of living how people are finding that part so hard to grasp.)

She said no worries would get back to me in the NY and she did by a chat group 2 days ago, so the location, accommodation, costs and all the information that anyone would need to make a decision is all new to me and I made my decision within 24 hours of it being presented to me.

It being mainly cost (London prices, travel, Air B&B) the session being the following month and the very high potential of the date bracket that Sharon an my sister came up conflicting with DH being away and so not having childcare or animal care.