I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

I’m with you OP. I have one kid, know what my DH and I are doing this year, and still couldn’t commit to this. You’ve done nothing besides be honest. And I like your mum!

Your mum sounds fab. She's talking sense, unlike most of the twats on this thread.

This so very unreasonable. You are comparing emergency situations with a hen party, costing the OP potentially hundreds and hundreds of pounds, 500 miles away - when her husband will be away and her child will be in the midst of her GCSEs? That is such nonsense and these scenarios are not comparable in any way!

Ok, so where do you find these competent and available teenage babysitters that have their own transport, when you live in the countryside? 😂😂

We also have animals and it’s both very expensive and difficult to find anyone with availability during the summer months who is competent enough to look after a dozen plus animals. I certainly wouldn’t employ a young teen to do the job, maybe someone 18/19yrs. Last summer we employed a friend’s son (who grew up on a farm) to look after some of our menagerie for a week. The dogs went into kennels.

You aren’t unreasonable. Hen dos are unreasonable.

OP genuinely can't go but also doesn't really want to. Both those things can be true - they don't cancel each other out.

You come across as not wanting to go. If you really wanted to go, you’d figure out childcare etc. It is a big occasion. You want your sister to be happy, you want her to have a good time on her hen do but without you 😅 and you know what, I get it. You’re married with children and pets and responsibilities and you’re 500 miles away and your dh has an unpredictable schedule in the military. I kind of don’t blame you. You love your sister but please don’t make me travel 500 miles for a hen do with a bunch of girls I don’t know very well and couldn’t care less about getting drunk and being silly 😂. At the same time you feel guilty because it’s a fairly small group and it is your sister and it means a lot to her.

You're going to have to go speak to the top, your sister, about this. Yes, she will be very disappointed. You’re trying to weasel out of it and not make your sister or her maid of honor mad at you. I’m kind of on your side but yes, she will hold it against you. Either go all in or all out and accept that not doing what someone else wants you to do will affect your relationship.

I live very rurally and there seems to be an excess of friends teens who grew up witb horses and ride and drive so it's not at all difficult - as I've said my teens could walk the dogs and feed the horses but maybe the OP has crocodiles or something 🤷🏼‍♀️

Madness. I wouldn't ask any of my siblings to make a commitment to something they couldn't afford or had issues arranging childcare for. And I certainly wouldn't change my feelings about them if they were unable to make an event. Fucking hell, why is it accepted that some women turn into these demanding, grabby , mental bridezillas simply because they are getting married? I think a lot of them need to grow the fuck up.

Really didn’t expect the responses here! Honestly quite shocked.

Yes it’s your sister but it’s just a hen do and childcare, cost etc make this very, very difficult.

Oh right, because it's easy for you it's obviously easy for everyone else. That's an intelligent line of thought. I'm leaving this thread, it's giving me the rage.

Ok so I’m now about to message Sharon.

Im opting for directly rather than through the group chat.

I don’t think she is going to be very happy I spoke to my sister but I’m glad I did.

This is a really mature response. I particularly like the triumph of hope over experience part.

Did you read my whole comment? I am actually siding with the op. And I agree with you totally. I wouldn’t expect anyone to travel that far either, and the costs, childcare etc. I’m saying that the sister and her maid of honor are different and do expect that and will probably get angry. Especially as it seems to be weak excuses, yet we know they’re not weak excuses, she’s just afraid that her sister will be upset and it comes across that she doesn’t want to go on top of all that. Believe me, I am on the same page with you.

Yeah I’m with you. I wouldn’t hold it against a sibling if they couldn’t make my hen do or similar. In fact, I’d be the one feeling bad for expecting people to stump up that much money just for me and my weekend.. and it’s not even the wedding.

@TheLastTimeISawRichard

Your mum is ace - I love her reply.

I didn't go to my sister's hen do for similar reasons. Single parent. No family to look after kids. Logistics just too much. And too expensive.

Doesn't mean you love your sister any less.

I've missed friends hen do as I was breast feeding a 3 month old.

I've also gone to things I didn't want to, and kicked myself afterwards.

Kids missed grandma's 80th due to a levels starting imminently.

Life gets in the way, and it is so different to being young and children. I don't think you were being condescending, just describing their reality Vs yours.

In my experience, threads where OPs start pasting verbatim text messages from the parties involved never end well. It's a bit of a shit thing to do, even if the intention is to show the person in a positive light. They didn't write that message for the attention of MNers.

I'm certainly not in the minority among my friends - I'd say not being able to get a decent rural babysitter is the exception rather than the rule.

Wow this is reminiscent of the sister who was expected to hire a private jet and a nanny just so she could attend her brother's wedding! And this is just the hendo.
Tbf it could have been managed better, you probably should have spoke to ur sister first then messaged Sharon direct rather than putting it on the group. But YANBU, it's not feasible to go. Moving it probably won't help as it will still be expensive/require childcare. Although another date might be better, in years to come your sister will realise she's being ridiculous but unfortunately for now this is the be all and end all to her so u may have to accept she's annoyed but she will get over it.

Wow, your 'lovely' mum certainly isn't being 'lovely' about your sister. If you really wanted to go I'm sure she could have been 'lovely' and come down to babysit/hold the fort. I really feel for your poor sister. Hen do aside, it's obviously you, your mum and dad have clubbed together against her and her silly frivolous ways...

I agree with PP from pages ago who said they probably wanted to go abroad but compromised to include you, and now you've thrown it in their faces. It's not really about whether you go or not. It's about the communication. You still don't really care, it's pretty obvious.

@TheLastTimeISawRichard I think you have lots of very genuine reasons why you can't go, I also think it sounds like your sister is more bothered about having the sort of hen do she wants than making it doable for you. However I also think you're in a very different stage of life where it all feels a bit vacuous to you, and that is bleeding over into your attitude and response to the whole thing.

For these reasons I think it's a circle you can't square, and so you need to just accept you will be disappointing her and some of her friends will judge you negatively. I would just reiterate to the chat that you are sorry you can't fit in with the plans, to try and smooth things over. That way you have done what you can with that group.

Then maybe try and approach your sister differently, perhaps a letter? Remember she is in a different stage of life and can't fully understand the responsibilities you have, so I wouldn't patronise her or make her feel like you think her hen is beneath you, just be kind and apologetic and suggest you organise to spend some time with her before the wedding at a time when you know your DH is around and can look after home/kids etc.

"I also think it sounds like your sister is more bothered about having the sort of hen do she wants than making it doable for you."

the nerve!

Remind me whose hendo it is?

I'm really uncomfortable with your Mums response tbh! Your poor sister

As you say, OP, the reality of your life is just very different to theirs. Life gets in the way. Just shame that your sister is unhappy about it.

You mention in your original post that neither your mum or the mother of the groom are invited.. I wonder whether there is an opportunity here to suggest that, as an alternative, you arrange a 'family hen' day for, maybe sometime in the school hols, which would incluide your three daughters. Maybe a day and a night somewhere that suits you (and your pocket) with a nice afternoon tea/meal.

Same. I hate to see that in families.