I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

You should’ve said no as soon as you knew it wasn’t happening. People like you make organising big groups a nightmare!

In hindsight, you should have just stuck with the childcare line. Moaning about not being able to afford it, sounds mean. We have all had to shell out for hen dos and weddings and they’re really expensive, but it’s your sister, the cost needs to be sucked up.

I'm not sure that's fair @Climbles

There are a lot of things that we might do on an emergency that we wouldn't do for a hen weekend.

You've had months of notice to sort out your children and animals, whether your DH is there or not.

You haven't done any of this.

If you were my sister, I would be extremely hurt. You were happy enough to cough of £1k-£2k fir everyone else's hen dos but you can't do £300 for your sister?

PS: October is not 'just around the corner from Christmas'. Sounds like you are grabbing any excuse you can find not to go.

What's the real reason?

Hi I think it’s vital to talk to your sister personally- weddings and hen arrangements can sometimes be a bit sensitive or touchy so important to make clear that you love and support her and the plans to have fun meet ups in general. Secondly, it seems to me that lots of brides manage to enjoy more than one hen do, which helps get round this problem of some people not being able to attend the first one ( or not affording it, or clash with other commitments etc). So perhaps there’s a ‘hen hen do’ which you could do with your sister that suits your commitments. This could be with or without other friends/bridesmaids but tread carefully so people are not offended if you do invite others. Lastly, young people do need support just before and during GCSEs so I think it’s perfectly valid to not go away over a weekend at that time unless her parent or possibly another close family member can stand in for uou

You are being reasonable. Child needs support just before their GCSEs. Not just supervision but good food, love, care and emotional support

OP, don't take this the wrong way but your sister might be quite happy for you not to go. In principle she would love the idea of you there but if you don't know her friends that well, it might make her spend the weekend worrying that you are ok and not feeling left out etc.

I don’t get all these hen and stags that cost £100-£1,000’s to attend it all bloody bonkers and more fool those paying that for an over egged party tbh.

You can’t afford it and likely won’t have childcare. Sister and friends can be pissed all they want it’s their bonkers plan.

I’d stick to a curry and the pub Than some crazy weekend away with randoms spending a months worth of mortgage/rent on some of these parties.

Op you're getting a really hard time here and I've no idea why. Some people obviously can't grasp what it's like not to have easy help at hand. And fwiw I wouldn't have gone away during my DDS GCSEs either. All your reasons sound sound to me, there's not a lot you can do.

You’ve not given “excuses” not to attend, you’ve given valid reason.
someone saying I can’t afford it should be enough.
You’re only missing the hen weekend, where the ones who want to go can still have fun, it’s not as if you’re missing the wedding.
Stick to your guns, you were polite, gave your reasons, that’s enough.

It’s expensive, it’s too far, it’s too inconvenient don’t feel like problems you couldn’t solve if you really wanted to

@Climbles OP didn't say that. It's not that it's 'too inconvenient.' It's that it's pretty much impossible given her life circumstances of not having other help near where she lives, and not being able to afford to pay for any.

It’s your sisters hen do and you should be prepared to inconvenience yourself and spend some cash.

Some cash, but possibly not hundreds of pounds' worth of cash (depending on the particular person's finite budget.)

If one of the animals needed vet care you’d find the money, if you needed to go to hospital you’d find someone to look after the kids/house.

It should go without saying that these sort of unavoidable expenditures are things people have to do as an emergency necessity, and going to a party is not on the same level.

This sort of mentality is how people get in debt. I've seen it happen to a friend of mine who claimed she 'had to' spend money on her credit card for a friend's baby shower etc.

We need to normalize people not being able to afford things again.

I just don't think you've handled this very well, OP. I'd be hurt if I was your sister too and you didn't need to involve her at all. You could have said a couple of days ago when the chat started 'Really sorry everyone but I can't afford anything over £x and I'm going to struggle to get there at all if DP is deployed at the time. You go ahead with whatever you want to do and I'll see nearer the time if I can get there' OR you look to find a way to at least do a day and night for the hen and find neighbours/local mums/other horsey people to help out for a day or so. It's just not as hard as you are making it for yourself. But the real issue is that you made all the right noises and then backed out once it was all lined up and ready to book!

"You've had months of notice to sort out your children"

She can't exactly reschedule her child's GCSE exams which are the week after the hen do, can she? What message would it send her child? "DC, I know it's a really important week for you but I'm afraid I won't be here this weekend."

I'm an ex-military wife (as in he's left after his 22 years were up, we're still married) and it's hard to describe how much headspace that takes up, particularly if they're deployed/likely to be deployed. I broke out in acne in my 30s from the stress of having a DP in a warzone. I hardly had spots as a teenager.

Things like hen dos and birthday parties were a low priority for time off, particularly when you ALWAYS have to do the driving home yes I see that they're offering a halfway point, but my point is you're sick of travelling before you even get out of bed.

I think having to support a teenager in GCSE revision is a valid point. Some of them are acutely anxious, and uncertain about if they've missed any critical learning due to Covid lockdowns. As a mother of teenage girls I know that sometimes they just need a parent to give that balanced sympathy/kick up the butt to motivate them.

I think you just need to go with the 'That's not going to work for me' thing. This is a weird one for MN. Where's all the 'no means no/complete sentence' etc etc advice?

We have all had to shell out for hen dos and weddings and they’re really expensive, but it’s your sister, the cost needs to be sucked up.

Why?? I don't understand this attitude. Why should someone be pressured into spending hundreds of pounds to attend a hen do? A wedding, I can understand as it's a major life event and one that has significant meaning. But a hen do is just a party! I would hate to think that anyone close to me was putting themselves in a financially precarious position just to attend a party for my benefit.

I think I would give your sister a bit of space to let it sink in and then text her saying that this was a case of hope over experience. You thought it would be OK but wasn't sure how the logistics or finances would work and as time moved on, you started to realise that it wasn't as straightforward as you had hoped and your optimism was shortsighted but came from a good place. You really don't want to upset her and that you really want to go and plan to go to as much as you are able to but it unfortunately won't be all of it. You could even say that if DH is around that you'll have a budget of X so will liaise with Sharon to work out which bits you can go to.

You would not be the first person in the world who really wanted to do something and ignored the practicalities of life, hoping it would all pan out, being sure that you could manage it but then realised it might not be possible. It sounds like the finances have been the final nail in the coffin.

I too feel the overwhelm of life and Christmas. I'm not mentally capable of factoring in other things (very well) along side and would have found it hard to give a solid answer and wouldn't have been able to make a decision at all without figures. Our household disposable income after bills, food and expenses is circa £60/month, that's £30 each. There's no way I'd be saving that each month for an expensive hen weekend - it just wouldn't cover it. If I were in your shoes I'd go to the meal (if i had childcare). I don't have any local friends who could help with something like this so would be in a similar boat if DH wasn't around.

This is just the most ridiculous post @Climbles

I tell you what you solve it for me, firstly Who do you suggest I leave my 15 year old, 13 and 9 year old with while I’m 500 miles away from them?!

Shall I just stand in the play ground with a billboard asking if anyone has room for 3 more for the weekend?

And once you have sorted the inconvenience of my DC maybe you could point me to the nearest money tree so I can pull £6/700 out my arse…

And if you’re on a roll prehaps you could get in touch with the MoD and pull their ear about the inconvenience of their operations getting in the way of someone’s hen…

FFS what a joke…

And the comparison of funds being available for vet care but not a hen piss up is just the cherry on the cake…

FYI like any responsible pet owner my animals are insured and yes that is one of the many outgoings I have which I deem more important than a bottomless brunch and pin the Willy on the inflatable!!!

Crikey these people clearly have no idea what the implications are of all the issues you've listed. You don't owe Sharon anything. In your position I'd be apologising to my sister and telling her that I will not able able to attend her hen do for multiple reasons. And then I would forget about it.

'you should be prepared to inconvenience yourself and spend some cash'

Yes but only to a point! Some cash - only as much as you can comfortably afford. Inconvenience yourself - again, only as much as you comfortably want to. FFS it's just a hen party, it's not the actual wedding.

I really don't understand the 'pile on' on this thread. There are issues for you 3ith money and childcare. It's not unreasonable not to be able to make it. Just call your DSis and explain this. It's a hen do, I don't see the big deal, personally. If it was the actual wedding, maybe it would be different but even so, money and childcare issues are not easy to get around.

The implications of having a couple of kids and a few animals and possibly not having your dh around? Yes awful I'm surprised the OP manages to even get to the supermarket 🙄

What's your construction suggestion then ? What a nasty comment.

Your Mum sounds ace!!

Sometimes you just need a realist to bluntly shake the emotion off a problem so it can be seen clearly.

It IS just a hen do, OP. I'm sure you'd walk through hot coals to all be at the wedding and that's what counts.

Worst of Mumsnet on this thread. Priveliged ignoramuses with absolutely no ability to imagine a scenario where saving a sum of several hundred pounds in a few months is impossible or just " finding childcare" is not that easy. Vile.

Where does op say she's spent £1000s on other people's hen dos? i read it that that was what her sister's group of friends (not including her) spent.