I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

I thought it was more about your DH not being there though. I think there's been mixed messages, your sister probably feels the same so she probably just feels a bit hurt.

There seem to be an awful lot of comments here that suggest people simply cannot understand the comcept
of an absent partner and the logistical nightmare that this creates. Add animals/children/aged parents/cuddly
toys/you name it into the mix and sometimes no matter how much you want to do something, it is simply not possible. I have missed things that I will regret missing for the rest of my life but have had to accept that I couldn’t leave my responsibilities to fend for themselves. Be kind to yourself OP and I hope that your sister understands your dilemma. Slightly off-topic but why don’t you host a glamping weekend at yours?

Your reasons sound perfectly fine to me. When someone plans a whole weekend of lunches, boozy dinners, activities, accommodation etc surely they can't expect that everyone will be (a) free to attend and (b) financially able to attend. The first concrete plans were put to you just days ago, you've gone back and said you can't make it, they can just crack ok without you. If your DH is going to be home that weekend, surely you can slot into their plans, if he's not it's better that they aren't planning for you to be around.

@ProudToBeANorthener - I think most people get it, they just don’t get why the OP didn’t just say in the first place she couldn’t do a hen weekend.

she can’t afford a weekend away, she can’t be certain she’ll have childcare and animal care for any given weekend this summer - so right back when it was first discuss she should have said thank you but no.

ita messing people about that’s not ok.

It does sound as though you're a bit condescending towards this idea of having a big hen do. I'm not surprised your sister is so disappointed in your lack of enthusiasm/commitment when she has made you and your girls so central to the wedding. People do make big efforts/concessions for the hen dos and weddings of those they love. But you just seem to have your head stuck quite deeply in your own bubble (see i didn't say arse there).

TBH I’ve also since spoke to my husband (he is away at the moment…standard!!) and parents and they have all been my voice of reason, said the same thing and made me feel better

Not quite as bluntly as my lovely mum, 🤣 see below…

“Stp stressing. You have a very busy life. Money and family commitments come first. FFS it's just a hen do. Not life and death. Good fir you making a stance.. STICK TO IT. So what if …… is pissed, Sharon should have messaged you personally at the start of the year before booking and taken it from there. Have any of them any idea of how much it is to clothe, feed and generally look after 5 people. Dad and I have your back. xx”

Love her for this!!

This.
It all sounds incredibly tedious unless you are very young and dewy eyed.
Just say no.

Oh. I think we're about to jump the shark here.

I live 350 miles away from my sister and was pregnant.

Making me a bridesmaid would have been a pain in the arse for both organisation and fit. I did a reading at her wedding and signed the register and that was grand and saved us both stress.

I wasn't involved in the hen as again, it was too complicated. But I did go down for a visit a few weeks before (but not booked till last minute) and had a lovely meal with her and my mum (who isn't a hen night person).

There must be other ways for you to be involved and do something special that can be more easily arranged. And if you don't know her other friends then separate seems fine.

Hmm, yes. I wonder if any of the horses are twins.

So what if …… is pissed
**
Does your mum generally dislike your sister, or is it specific to this occasion?

I’m still wondering what the age difference is between you and your sister?

Whose mum talks like that?!

You should do a separate one that can include family members (take her for a meal?) invite everyone and apologise profusely that due to all your commitments you just can’t do a weekend this year. Also talk to DS about it and then gracefully leave the group 😊

Mine does!

One that lives in the real world and understands a Hen Do is just meant to be a night out and is in no way important!

What I think you should have done, and hindsight is wonderful(!), is to have been clear from the very start of the wedding planning that you would not be able/available for a Hen Do due to distance, family commitments and finance and that you hope your sister has a great time with her friends whatever they choose to do, maybe you could have offered to spend some time pre Wedding when you will all be together with your sister, just the two of you to compensate.

I think the will you/won't you with Sharon has been the cause of the problems, clear, direct communication earlier would have been far better.

I'm possibly biased because I can't relate to Hen Dos at all, not my cup of tea. No-one in my family (including me) had either a Hen Do or a Stag Night, just can't be arsed with them.

My parents have no favourites or as my dad sometimes says “he dislikes us all equally” 🤣
But my DM is a realist and holds no graces when she has an opinion on anyone or anything and sometimes like this time it’s exactly what is needed.

Gosh. A lot of very nasty posters on here, having a go at OP. So unnecessary!

It appears to me that OP is in a VERY different position to many of the other hens. That should have been taken into consideration. Many hen night discussions on MN show a great lack of thought by the organiser(s). Budget is a VERY key matter, and is regularly ignored by over-enthusiastic organisers.

Posters telling OP that her excuses are weak is insulting when she’s just in a very different position. Especially insulting when DH is on operations defending the country.

Do the best you can for your DSis @TheLastTimeISawRichard and explain the reasons for any issues arising. If people (including DSis) get miffed, that’s their problem.

I would absolutely feel like you.

Assuming there's no date you can guarantee making, there's no point in asking Sharon to change the date.

Personally I'd suggest to Sharon that they book an Air bnb assuming you won't go, but if husband turns out to be around you'll either stay somewhere nearby that you book yourself, or use a sofa bed (if there is one).

But for sure it would be a no for anyone but a sibling. And if you can't afford it my suggestion is a non-starter anyway.

And mine. They're not all prim and proper ladies from ye olden days!

Yes all comes across quite mean

Like 'silly little girls, getting excited over a hen do, don't they realise people have responsibilities, they are lucky that I even find time to read the messages on the chat'.

We get it, your busy, so much busier than people can even comprehend 🙄.

You have let people down, it happens. People will get over it, but own it and apologise.

I don’t think you are in the wrong, but I think you could have been a bit more realistic when you received the first message and said that you might be able to do a day trip, but anything else would probably be out of budget and logistics. Sharon could then have made plans based on that and either done something you could join for a day, or written you out of plans and told you that. It’s a hen do, not a big deal- people put too much importance on them these days. You’re all going to the wedding - that’s the important bit!

The main issue for the op is the date, if it was 2/3 weeks earlier her dh would be around meaning most of the issues wouldn't occur. It does take time to work things out especially if you do want to do something but really can't see a way to make it work.