I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Sharon started the Hen chat group 2 days ago and within that time the date and place was decided and AirB&B was provisionally booked, I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely and potentially I was in

Why did you say that when it wasn’t true? How was Sharon supposed to infer from that that you couldn’t afford it or manage the logistics?

Poor Sharon. No wonder she’s gone quiet. I hope they are booking Marbella.

…and, you have multiple horses and are telling people off on this thread for not checking their privilege?! 😂

Amazing how threads read differently to different posters.

I'd message my sister and explain that I can't do the Hen.
She knows you and your situation better than Sharon.
I'm sure she'd rather you all be at the Wedding than the Hen anyway.

Not sure why so many posters are laying into you. 500 miles away isn't just "up the road" so you can't really "pop home" and fix stuff if it all goes tits up.

I've probably lived in Japan for too long, but if my kid's just about to have a set of high-stakes examinations, I would be making her my priority, not a bloody hen do. It sounds ghastly and overpriced anyway.

Same, but you would presumably have done so back in October, as the OP should. It's not as if the exam date is new information.

It sounds like you never really wanted to go but the guilt has made you delay responding - I get that OP, but it is very frustrating for those organising it who probably don't really care whether you go or not, they just need firm numbers.

I don't think you've handled this great and probably should've just spoken to your sister (who presumably has a better understanding of your commitments) privately about it before you were even added to the 'potential' list but it's done now.

It sounds like there's a big age difference between you and your DS? There's 12 years between me and my DB and although I love him to bits the prospect of spending the weekend with him and his mates wouldn't really motivate me to get my arse into gear and make arrangements 😅 I get why you've delayed, it's that battle of obligation/guilt - it's better though to just be upfront from the start and not allow the guilt to steer you.

Speak to your sis, and I'd probably privately message the MoH too to apologise. I think most of us at some point have been stuck in a decision of guilt/obligation so would understand.

If the whole thing is so convoluted and complicated and SO dependent on exact numbers turning up and unable to proceed if a single person drops out, that to me is a sign that it's an overelaborate event that shouldn't have been planned that way in the first place. Someone could quite easily drop out due to unexpected illness, pregnancy or family emergency - the event should have been arranged so that it was adjustable at some level. I agree the OP should have spoken up earlier, but she doesn't have a time machine, and dragging herself there unwillingly and worrying the whole time is not going to make her a very joyful participant.

The general feel I'm getting for the comments is that you are not unreasonable for not being able to go.

You are unreasonable for not letting people know ahead of settling on the dates/location/accommodation/activities that you can not commit, which you were given plenty of opportunity to do. In fact, you seemed to give the opposite impression by commenting on how good the plans look.

The organiser has a right to be frustrated. She has gone out of the way to be as accommodating as possible and hasn't had that respect shown back.

No one is too busy to send a message saying "please don't base your plans around me, I'll try my best to go but due to child/animal care and my husband working away, I won't be able to commit yet".

Well she said petting zoo.

And the teen feeds all the other animals and all ops other kids and takes responsibilities for them l because the op wants a weekend away? She's a child. She shouldn't be expected to take on responsibility for all that regardless of exams just because her parents made life choices

YANBU OP.

Any Hen party that involves more than a meal in a local eatery gets a polite NO THANK YOU from me.

Why would I want to waste lots of money and my precious spare time on a fancy short holiday with a group of women, several of whom I won’t know well?

In ten years time, you’ll still be the older sister but many of these hen party members are likely to be a faded distant memory.

In your shoes, I’d tell Sharon now that I can commit to coming on one day via the train and she should go ahead and plan activities with the other hens excluding me.

Ignore the younger (?) posters who are trying to guilt trip you. They’re clearly pretty clueless. You’re going to attend the wedding and that’s all that matters in the end. 🤷🏻‍♀️

People are missing that Sharon hasn't been in contact for 3 months. Three months ago op said life's complicated, can't make any concrete plans now, keep me updated.

Sharon updates her 3 months later and within a nanosecond has booked everything. No this is what we're looking at, can you confirm or cancel within X days and then if viable I'll book. Just this is it, booked, you owe X

Sorry - she said dogs and horses
I assume petting zoo was not a factual description otherwise she'd surely have a couple of staff!

It's a couple of dogs and two or three horses, then sticking hay in a field or putting a scoop of nuts in a bucket is hardly Cinderella territory.

Strongly agree with this.

Does that include missing hen nights, do so?
Also, why wouldn’t you have been mucking out your own horses, while your DD2 had exams on?

Well - believe me I do a lot, but because dd rides as well and horses are a huge family commitment, not something left for mum to do before you jump on and do all the fun stuff. And also, she found it relaxing and nice to have a break from gcses and go and look after them. It takes less than an hour to muck out and feed three.

And also she's a nice kid and would be more than happy to muck in for me to have a break at her aunties hen night!

She did though, as in she let her know honestly that she wouldn't have a clear idea until the new year. I wouldn't have either, I can't make promises in October November time before Christmas has come and gone, it's an expensive time of year, and many of us struggle until the paycheck at the end January comes in. At that point I can give a clearer indication of my situation, so I think the OP saying that is reasonable. It's not asking to let her know the week before, we're still talking 6 months advance notice here.

As organiser Sharon should have realised as soon as OP had said this that she would have to wait for an answer, and if she needed one sooner than that then she'd have to chase it up, as well as deal with the possibility of a no. That's what comes with organising events with a list of people to accommodate, there are always going to be some people who can't give an answer at particular times due to finances, logistics, etc etc.

The onus was on Sharon to chase (yes, having organised many events over the years it's shit, but if you choose to organise then the onus is on you to remind people, not on them to remember it, because they have other, more important things to them to think about presumably, and would assume the organiser would do that job, because that's their job). It was Sharon's decision to go ahead and book without waiting that little bit longer and knowing a definite answer.

Have people gone quiet because they're thinking the same thing...? Who wants to fork out £600 before they've even got a hotel and travel for the wedding, outfits, gifts etc.

OP, it doesn’t really matter what a bunch of ransoms on the internet think, surely? Have a chat with your sister. That’s what matters. And maybe a call to Sharon if there’s anything else that can be worked out. Your reasoning in all this sounds perfectly reasonable

Youre not at all unreasonable. £600 for a hen weekend is ridiculous. You explained yourself very nicely, it's all good, all you need to do now is chat to your sister about it, and she knows you a lot better than Sharon so she will totally get it..

Nah, I wouldn't feel bad. Just speak to your sister and explain. I know me, my family situation and what it would take to organise a weekend away.
People who say "plenty of people..." bla bla , I honestly don't care what many other people do. I also have a husband who is away with no schedule, kids and the rest. I would prioritise the wedding.

Ok so I talked to my Sister…

didn’t go as well as expected, she is definitely pissed off at me and was very short.

I think mainly because I’m ruining the surprise aspect of it for her, even though I kept it very vauge and didn’t give location/plans away. She was clear she was having nothing to do with it but said to let Sharon know as they would probably re-think location, definitely not Marbella but somewhere else in the UK.

This is news to me as despite Sharon saying that location would be easy for me to access the reason she chose there as it was top of DS’s list

Im actually really upset that we couldn’t have a proper conversation about and that she would make me feel so rubbish about not being able to afford it.

Oh god you've dug yourself into a right hole OP.

I expect if you have horses she thinks that you can afford it as they are a massive luxury.

I feel for you. I stand by my comments saying it would have been preferable to state your position as early as possible, but I think this whole situation sounds unnecessarily stressful and full of obligation and hassle. £600+, a whole weekend away, not even being able to talk to the bride (your own sister) because it will "ruin the surprise"?!
At this point all you can do is accept your shortcomings of not being transparent sooner about how unrealistic it would be for you to make it, and wash your hands of the whole nightmarish ordeal. Keep being there for your sister, and just focus on your own actions and needs. Possibly your sister is actually only short with you because she herself is overwhelmed and stressed with all the planning and money involved with all this (yet another reason why these elaborate hen dos are so stupid imo).

OP - do you have a habit of not wanting to let people down, so try to put off as long as possible to say no? Because you are still not seeing how frustrating it must be for the others that you won’t commit one way or another - if you can’t commit to a yes you need to commit to a no.