I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

This. Because nothing has really changed since October has it? Or else it's the cost in which case say so and just go for part of it.

This a thousand times over

This has morphed into two concurrent AIBUs - is OP BU not to attend the hen, and was she BU not to be upfront about this in October?

Not at all unreasonable not to attend the hen for any of the reasons cited.
Very unreasonable not to be upfront and honest about this three months ago.

Ugh god I have a friend like this. She's just so much busier than everyone else. I mean you can't send a proper reply because Christmas is just round the corner? IN OCTOBER?

You don't want to go because you think you're better than them. Just accept it.

Is it a business? If so then why did the OP ever think she could go in the first place if she doesn't have anyone to help her with her horse livery business?

And if it's her mum's horse then the teen feeds it because her mum is away 🤷🏼‍♀️

They've probably gone quiet because it takes a lot of head space planning the logistics of activities, location, accommodation etc for something with a lot of people. And having someone drop out can sometimes mean starting from scratch.

This happened with my hen do, everything was planned for a particular number in mind, one person then dropped out and everything had to be redone. The chat went quiet for a couple of weeks as so much thought went into the original plan, everyone was frustrated so took a pause before getting back into it.

This is probably worse as location was based around you, so now they'll probably hsve to consider changing location

Yes I must say the first post in particular seems to suggest this.

Yanbu for all the reasons people have said.

And because its just a night out. I'm not sure why people think you should move heaven and earth at huge financial cost for this.

Finally, I have a year 11 too. I'm doing my best to support her as she's finding things demanding already. I don't hover over her and wouldn't know most of the syllabus if I did. I'll continue to do what I can to help her in the exam period.

That's why I said personally I would make it a priority if my sister was getting married.

most people have commitments, the ability and willingness to work out a way around them is what differs from person to person.

In any case, the fact of the matter is that Sharon on whoever has been trying to sort this since october. OP has kept her waiting for literally months "thinking about it" and now has said no only when a booking is made. What are they meant to say when OP now, way down the line, is coming with all her excuses that presumably existed in October? There's not much to say and it puts a dampner on things so of course the group chat will die down.

All that is not a mean thing to poiint out.

YANBU OP. I grew up in a forces family.

ROFL…

Thats quite a reach.

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each

Oh OP, you numpty. Your sister wants a Marbella hen. She knew you wouldn't be able to manage it so she's compromised on the UK location. Now you've announced you aren't coming after all, three months later.

I absolutely guarantee the plans for the hen do will now change. Leave the group chat so they can crack on. Arrange with your DM that you will have a nice afternoon tea or similar with your DSis and perhaps your DDs as a small, family-only hen and let her go to Marbella with her friends.

I understand its a big cost (unnecessarily so in my opinion as I've planned similar for very little in comparison, in the height of summer in a touristy location).
The DP stuff is a bit of a red herring as presumably with the nature of his work you can't commit to any plans at any time incase he's called. And if you'd firmly said this in October you probably wouldn't be in this situation now.
I think when you've said it looks promising it's read as you'll be there. So people then get into planning activities, which is thrown into disarray when you then announce that actually you're not going.
If you've used the same language in your message as you have in your post then I think they'd understandably be pissed off as you're quite disparaging in your description of them and their lives.

I'm at a bit of a loss really as to what you expected the hen do was going to consist of that wouldn't have presented you with all the issues you have.

I don't have a sister but if I did I think I would make the effort for her hen. I think it's a bit lame not to go. Would you be upset if she didn't go to yours?

Oh, I must admit I also don't understand the needing headspace which can't possibly be achieved 2 months before Christmas. If someone else is organising it all, your only consideration is whether you want to go, and whether you can go. And with your husband's work being as it is and you seemingly having zero flexibility in your life, you couldn't go even then??

So it's absolutely fine to not go. But you've dicked people about, which isn't fine really.

Hm. Well I’ve read your updates, and I get it. You’ve had some hilariously unreasonable responses on here (although I’m very excited to hear from
some posters that it’s possible to get a house sitter who’ll look after 3 kinds horses etc for days for only £100 🤣).

It sounds like the best solution would be for you to suggest to your sister that you and her do a ‘sisters hen’ instead, with a spa day and posh lunch that you arrange a bit last minute for a date when your DH is home and can do kids/animals. Possibly even do it the week of the wedding. And let the rest of them go ahead with their ‘super’ expensive hen which if you don’t come they can do locally to them thus saving travel costs etc. Is better for everyone.

I don't understand why they would change the location. OP said she was going to try and make it for the Saturday, and if they change the location she may not be able to as she lives so far away. They can presumably still do the whole rest of the weekend party there.

If I was a bride and my best mate was my head bridesmaid I would be pretty pissed off with them if they organised something that my sisters couldn't possibly attend. Not being able to go to a full long weekend mini break is pretty normal for people with quite busy lives, which includes most parents, so maybe Sharon should have taken that into consideration when she was doing the planning. She is supposed to be planning it for the bride, not the group, and most people (including the bride) probably prioritise family over friends.

Tbf to them, they've clearly adapted their plans drastically to accommodate you, they wanted to book ages ago. You've delayed and now cancelled. You should have cancelled ages ago, it's clear you're not able to go. You've fucked them about really and should have just said from the off what you would have been able to do.

They've made another group without you.

But how anyone thinks you could leave a 15 yo doing their gcse yo look after 2 kids, a dog and a few horses so you csn go for a pissup weekend is beyond me. No one would do that.

Why don't you suggest they have their weekend in marbella and then all go together the night before the wedding?

100% this.

Honestly, yes I get it's her sister, but really? It sounds like a huge pain in the behind to attempt to attend this. And I'm not sure why reasons such as overseeing your teens revision is a "weak excuse". As someone who also has a teen doing public exams this year I am completely supportive of your wish to be there during what will be a full on stressful time for your son/daughter.

I would discuss with your sis separately, saying what you've told us here and assuming she's a grown up, I'm sure she will understand and arrange something separate with you.

It's not Sharon's job to assume someone is too busy to come. It's the OPs job to let Sharon know In advance of making the arrangements that she can't come, rather than saying she's too busy to think as Christmas is 8 weeks away.

The horses are DD’s but are in a yard where they are not allowed in without an adult due to insurance…

Maybe I should just add that job to Eldest DD’s list along side keeping house, looking after her siblings, watching the dogs and studying for her GSCES!

Do you have horses? There’s quite a lot more to their care than just feeding them.

If I left a 15 year old in charge of ours (which I would never do, even my own 15 year old) they would absolutely pick that weekend to develop colic or break some rails and escape…

This is also assuming that the horses are at the OP’s home and not at a livery yard which tend to be in the middle of nowhere.

I would maybe not mention to your sister when you speak to her that secret santa, panto, teachers gifts and Christmas jumper day were more of a priority to think about, let alone finance wise, then sparing 5 minutes to check your dh's rota for her hen party (presumably a 1 off occasion that is very important to her, even if clearly much less so to you)

I would be interested, if poor Sharon hadn't been available and your sister had asked you to organise her hen (as is fairly normal for sisters), what you would have arranged that would have met your very strict demands?

Presumably something much closer to you, at a time that was convenient for you? And of course something cheap even if its not what your sister wanted. And inviting your mil and sil even though your sister clearly didn't want them there. And of course only an afternoon thing, not a whole weekend. But you'd still expect all her silly office girl friends to come all that way for 1 meal?

I literally don't know what more Sharon could have done here.
She gave you notice way in advance
She tried to organise the type of hen her friend actually wanted but also tried to make it as accessible as possible for the one awkward person, only for that person to then change her mind last minute because she was too busy "organising Christmas jumpers"

Then you accuse her of being demanding, too enthusiastic, leaving out guests youd like to be there despite the fact youre now dropping out yourself, and too stupid to understand sone people work outside of 9-5, when she's making 1000% more effort for your own sisters hen than you are?

• am not Sharon BTW just a poor sod whose had to organise hen parties i.e. the most thankless job in the world

But how anyone thinks you could leave a 15 yo doing their gcse yo look after 2 kids, a dog and a few horses so you csn go for a pissup weekend is beyond me. No one would do that.

Noone has suggested that - although i do think with a reliable babysitter overnight for one night of course it's fine - otherwise noone with teens would ever go away for a night! With a good babysitter and a capable teen the horses and dogs should be fine - but maybe I'm the only person on this thread who thinks teens can look after horses and dogs for a day

Op, I have a DH whose job makes him unpindownable. It's affected everything in family life for the last 20 years (for the worse, obvs) and people whose lives are more normal never, ever get it.

On top of that, the beady of eye and hard of empathising are absolutely dominating Mumsnet at the moment and - somehow - are getting a whiff of entitlement and arrogance in the fact that you have a different life from them. Literally anything that isn't familiar to them is - I dunno, threatening in some way? So they go on the attack. Arseholes, ignore them.