I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

Sharon, if you're reading this, she's out, get Ibiza booked.

So the OP should have said no from the beginning. I'm not sure what she expects from the group chat now anyway.

It would be interesting to see your actual message replies.

With your update, it sounds pretty reasonable, but the leakage of some of your attitudes suggests that your wording may not have been as inoffensive as you seem to think.

😂😂

That's probably it! They ideally wanted to go abroad but because Dsis wanted OP there, they have come up with this compromise. Now OP isn't coming but is still mithering about maybe getting the train up for the day.

Perhaps you can suggest some solutions? To having three teens and under who need looking after, a business which needs looking after as it contains pets and a DH who has no control over whether he'll be around or not.

No the teen can't be responsible for all this without an adult around for hundreds of miles. She's a child. I don't care who was working 5 jobs, raising their six siblings and walking 3 miles to school everyday at 8, it's bloody irresponsible.

Yes I agree that the earlier the better. But the OP has already explained that she tentatively agreed before the details were flashed out, that they only became clearer 2 day ago so, really, this is the earliest opportunity.

but every single hen do/wedding thread is the same - the OP is always an AWFUL person for not making the event the centre of their lives.

You don't get it, OP. They don't actually want to go to the central city. That was only ever the plan for your benefit. Now it turns out you never really intended to go in the first place and you could, SHOULD have said as much nearly three months ago. I'd be hopping mad if I were Sharon.

😂😂

I don't think this is unreasonable at all.

To travel back and forth 500 miles probably means more than one night away. I would never have left my DD at 15 to go on a hen night if DH was away just before exams. What if she's nervous and needs support?

It can be hard to find people to care for animals when you're away, especially someone you trust, and then there's the younger children too.

You gave it some thought and then politely said you couldn't go and why. If I was "Sharon" I would reply with something along the lines of "totally understand, than you for letting me know and if you can make it to us for a day or night then that would be great."

Just have a chat with your sister, she's really the only one that matters.

Fleshed* before I get done for a typo

What’s the daughters maturity got to do with it? She’be preparing for her GCSEs. As a mum I would definitely want to be there, and ensure that is her total focus and not worry about looking out for her younger siblings and the animals, and the house generally- especially given that the OP does not have an established support network, or people that she can rely on. No way. As the bride I would completely understand and not want my own sister to stress over an over priced party. OP did say she would be at the wedding, and actually that is what matters the most, in this scenario.

@EndlessRain1 - everyone had loads of money they can just splash about. And one DC is staring their GCSEs. Much more important to support them. That's without the other 2 & the animals.

Can the grandparents not look after the kids? Hen dos can be hellishly overpriced, but this is your sister.

I wouldn't leave my 3dc for a weekend with anyone other than close family or friends - definitely not a random person I had little relationship with.

My sister also did not come to my hen do and our relationship has survived!

OP - if you really wanted to go, you'd find a way, but if you don't that's ok. I think you're making too many excuses (start of exams?!) so its all sounding a bit unbelievable. Saying you can't afford it and you have no childcare is enough, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone else.

Maybe it would have been better to notify Sharon off the group, but speak to your sister and go from there.

After your update I think I'm going to change my response - sounds like you were clear enough explaining to Sharon that you wouldn't be making any commitment to anything pre-Christmas, which is a fair statement and reasonable. And she went ahead and booked it anyway a couple of days after setting up the new chat group in the new year without asking first. That means it's really all down to her and her lack of organisational skills, she should have got confirmation before booking anything.

YANBU for any of it.

So now she's got to get three kids to the grandparents at site A, then get to the hen do at site B and then back to A and then back home? Given the disqualified involved you're adding on extra days either side!

YANBU . honestly your sister know you and your life and will understand. enjoy the wedding and lets the hens do whatever they want.

But that’s not the point is it? Some people are suggesting that OP leaves her daughter to look after her siblings, the house and animals, without any other support network at time when she should be solely focusing on preparing for her exams, without any stress or worries.

All of those Christmas things you mentioned are completely optional. Pantos, jumpers and secret santa? If you're on a tight budget don't do these in the first place. You were given nearly eight months' notice about the hen do. That's more than enough time to save up for it and for paid childcare/pet help. Your excuses are pretty flimsy

Yes, that's right. Give your kids a cheaper Christmas because hen dos are more important. How did we get to this place? It's the Op's money, it doesn't belong to the MOH or the bride.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. It's not about 'doing it for your sister' etc. At the end of the day it's her Hen Do, not the wedding, and you should not have to penny pinch to the point of it potentially affecting your family to make it happen, or be forced to leave your kids with someone you don't want to or put your dogs in kennels or, and this is the kicker for me, leave your child just before they start their exams.

It's a HUGE as of you, with all of that going on.

You can't change your circumstances, at the end of the day.

Jesus
Dd2 managed to feed, muck out and exercise our horses whilst doing her GCSES. That's what owning horses means - you look after them whatever. Rain, wind, snow, boyfriends dumped you, exam tomorrow - they still need looking after. Even if the OP doesn't want to leave her dcs for a night, I fail to see why a teen can't feed a few horses.

Exactly!!

It's a feckin hen do! It's really not worth denying your kids for!

But op hasn't said they're DS's horses has she? Unless I missed that? In which why should DD be expected to sort out her Mom's or the business horses just because op has decided she must?

Completely agree.

I wouldn't dream of leaving my child for a couple of days pre exams and I wouldn't be apologetic either about it.

A Hen, even a sisters one would not come ahead of my family and most particularly my children.

Exams can be stressful times and even the calmest of children can become suddenly stressed.

I would absolutely want to be at home, minding them with support, favourite meals etc.

Can't imagine I know a single friend that would put a Hen ahead of their children at exam time.