I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

I do think you should have spoken up in Oct when it was clear the location was being arranged with you in mind. This could easily have taken priority over the Xmas prep.
However, you didn't. Speak to your sister (who surely must understand your limitations and commitments) and then the Hen do can be arranged for the location where all the others live.

You clearly haven't read he post thoroughly its not about her making the effort, she clearly has a lot of responsibilities and commitments !!

YANBU about not going to the hen party, it sounds really overly expensive and time consuming, which is really selfish is the party of the organisers.

YABU for not letting them know you were unlikely to go for the full do back in October though. I get that you couldn't give them a firm yes or no because you were unsure what your finances would be like and where your husband would be until closer to the time, but you should have probably said that up front as soon as you realised you had a 'super' organiser involved, who wouldn't be likely to leave it until the new year to book.

Saying that, super organiser does sound a little presumptuous booking an Airbnb without everyone's permission. I wouldn't be particularly happy with that, regardless of whether she thought I was late giving her info. She could have simply asked everyone in the chat to let her know yes or no, that's part of the job of organising it.

Thanks everyone for you replies, I did post on AIBU so expected a varied response and I definitely got it, though the “you should just make it work” as it’s your sister posts gave me a laugh, if only life was that easy!!

Yes we are going to the wedding which is not long after the Hen and is going to be costly but obviously non negotiable.

When Sharon 1st messaged me back in late October, the place was on the table as well as other UK destinations, nothing was solid but she made it clear she wanted to organise and book 2022 side of Christmas, I was very clear that it was going to be hard for me to commit at that point with DH’s job and therefore childcare, we also, unlike the lucky few on here, would have struggled financially to do so before Christmas.

Sharon started the Hen chat group 2 days ago and within that time the date and place was decided and AirB&B was provisionally booked, I was very positive and polite on accommodation and plans and said it all looked and sounded lovely and potentially I was in…

If I’m guilty of anything in this process it’s being non committal and I do get how frustrating that must be and maybe I should have said no from the get go but if reflecting it’s because at the end of the day I didn’t want to let me sister down.

I was also hopeful we would have something more concrete on my husbands programme, which unfortunately we don’t.

A few things in my defence that seemed to have got lost in translation…

I think unless you’ve lived a military life, it’s very hard to understand how up in the air things can be, (DH is attached to an operational unit which is getting ready to deploy, originally early spring, then before Christmas slipped right to Easter and now is right in the Hen bracket. It could slip again or it could stick and he might not be here.

We live over 500 miles from ANY family and other than the odd party sleepover and trip out with grandparents when they visit for holidays the DC are always with us.I certainly could leave 3 DC, horses and a dog with a local teenager for 3 nights.

It made clear from the get go that my DS was to have as little to do with the planning as possible, the cost, stress and itinerary was to be taken completely out her hands. I’m not sure if this has came form my sister directly or just how Sharon has chosen to do things but I’ve stuck to it as didn’t want to step on anyones toes.

This is again very different to how things were when I had my hen and has made it a bit awkward when speaking as we skirt around it and certainly added to the guilt of telling her I don’t think I can make the full weekend as I know she will understand but be gutted however do believe speaking to her directly is the right thing to do.

Ive obviously did not given every detail in my OP but there are other family members on our side within the group as well, I’m not her only person and finally when I said I will try and get there for a day it wasn’t an excuse, I will absolutely do my best.

Just phone your sister and explain. That's what I did when talk of my sisters hen started, I got straight onto her to telling her I would arrange it but not a hope in hell I'd be there. She was absolutely fine with it. Her friends drink morning, noon and night when they're all together and I just can't deal with 30 sloppy women. Luckily my sister knows I'm not into that type of thing.

You would leave your 3 kids, dogs, horses with a teenager for a long weekend and pay £100 for it?!

YANBU. Any one of your reasons for not going is sound. The combination makes your decision a no-brainer. I appreciate you might not have said anything at the outset, you aren't sure of your husband's schedule (which would also impact the other items on your no-go list) and might even have been hoping it would be clear by now, which it is not. Dropping out at this stage is much better than continuing to hang on in the hope it will work out. Family can be so unreasonable. It's not as if you're not going to the actual wedding (which I assume has already caused some negotiation!).

We've assumed your dh is out of the picture and that's fine. Even if you can't bear to hire a local teen for one night, can't your 15 year old feed the horses and walk the dogs?? This part is doing my head in, mine have been doing that since they were quite young!

With respect, lying to your friends about your age IS very odd and unusual and I would find it quite weird if I thought my friend was 25 and it was revealed she was actually 40 - less the actual age but the hiding of it!

I don't know anyone who I am close enough to go on a hen with whose age I don't know -might be a year or 2 out on the odd case.

Apart from anything else there can't be that many women who a) could realistically pass for 15 years younger b) would even want to keep up the pretence amongst their closest friends c) wouldn't be rumbled at any point

Trying to support ops point by pretending this very unusual and specific circumstance is in any way normal is hilarious!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
No way I'd leave my Dd home during GCSE time it's too important and she'll be stressed enough already.
No way I'd trust a teen with horses house, kids, other animals etc for £100 or even for more.
If and it's a big if, my Dh were there to do it all and not deployed or away due to the military I'd commit, but you can't commit until closer and know he'll be there.
So Sharon will have to get over it.

I get it, and my lifestyle is the total opposite to yours. When other issues are pressing it takes time to actually think about things and decide. If you are like me, part of you might have also hoped that with a bit of time some thing might change and make it easier to go. As it happens, nothing did. Anyway, within 48hr of the group chat being set up you politely made your position clear. None of your excuses are weak and the cost is huge, especially given the current situation.

Speak to your sis and otherwise leave the rest of the "hens" (bloody horrible word, a bunch of clucking birds? **cking hell) to it. The only one who matters is your sister. It's a big enough effort for your family to attend her wedding and it is the wedding that is important, not some party (however much it is dressed up it is a party but don't say that aloud).

Also, "self-start" revision? Must be one of those mythical MN kids who eat tons but only healthy stuff, are mega tall atheletes and orchestra-level flautists. GCSEs are stressful and seem huge at 15, be there for your kid.

I want to make a "the hens can cluck off" joke but that's a bit mean given they've done nothing wrong beyond a lack of understanding 😂 Chin up OP, you've other shit to focus on!

NSPCC guidance is that under 16 are not left alone overnight.

I am far from a protective parent, my children have been left alone in the house for short periods since they were about 8 and 10 ie trip to shops, moving up to whole evenings out in town drinking. They are now 13 and 15 and we still haven't and wouldn't leave them alone overnight and that's just to a local town 20 miles away. There is no way I would leave them to be hundreds of miles away. We also have lots of family who live in our town and neighbours who we have known for 6 years.

Military families don't have this support. OP has stated their families are miles away. It is quite possible they haven't known their neighbours long because either they or their neighbours have just moved there.

Maybe because my dad was in the military so we moved a lot and didn't have the same support I enjoy now, I get this more 🤷🏽‍♀️

Your distance, animals, and your DH's deployment being an unknown are all reasonable reasons for not being able to make it, collectively even more so.

The trouble is, these were all factors last October; they're not new. Ou should have said, at least a couple of months ago, that it's unlikely you'd be able to make it and therefore to please not bend any arrangements to fit you.

Instead, you dithered because it was almost Christmas (!?!), the MoH has tried to arrange something to accommodate you, without continuing to dawdle because of diminishing availability / increasing costs, and now you say you can't make it.

Your name will be mud. There is probably still a very busy chat going on, just one you're not privy to.

Try harder to... Have kids old enough they don't require childcare? Because no, a 15 yo can't look after two younger sibs all weekend whilst Mom is miles away and Dad out of thr country. Try harder to... have a totally different life for the sake of one weekend, perhaps DH can quit his job and they can sell the petting zoo and then she'll be free every weekend!!

I totally agree with you @SleepingStandingUp. I think
perhaps @MXVIT needs to try harder to understand the OP’s situation.

I don’t think childcare when you live 500 miles away from family, you may/likely have a husband abroad and 3DC at home is a weak excuse.

Neither do I. Only people who have access to childcare or trusted people to care for children and animals always say this. Not everyone has access to people they trust.

@TheLastTimeISawRichard Ignore the pile on from these posters who are completely lacking in understanding. Clearly this thread is full of bridezillas with limitless childcare, who live near family and have bottomless bank accounts.

This would be a relevant comment if it was the daughter potentially attending the hen do.

What possible difference would her mother potentially being absent for a max of 2 days before her gcses "start" (given they are usually spread out over weeks with months of revision time beforehand) make to the daughter?

If she needs her mother to actively supervise her every waking hour to ensure she's revising then she's unlikely to have the maturity to do well anyway. A day or two off isn't going to make much difference.

Beyond anything you were probably being unreasonable to expect the Army to produce a concrete plan. They've got this far without seemingly ever having one.

While it might be “doing your head in” I can’t understand how any parent would leave the responsibility of 3 children and animals with a teenager overnight while there were 500 miles away…

Thats madness to me.

Who said it was the Army?

A teenager with exams the following week too! Incredibly unfair on a 15yr old.

I have not suggested they are left alone overnight. I've suggested hiring a teen for ONE NIGHT overnight and the 15 year old - could even be 16 by then - to feed the horses and walk the dogs. I am also not suggesting the OP does this for three days.

Wow

Just a little light-hearted military humour, pal.

Tbh if my dds had refused to walk dogs or feed horses when they were at gcse age we wouldn't have had horses at all!

You have valid reasons not to go but it was really lame of you not to establish that back in October. MOH is now aggrieved because she feels she factored your requirements into plans when you never had any intention of attending.

I hope this thread has at least been useful in showing you that your 'Christmas was just around the corner' excuse will be met with derision if you make the mistake of saying it in real life.

MN is hilarious when it comes to hen dos and weddings. That people should bend themselves backwards so fantastically for something like a hen do/wedding that they would touch their heels with their head/spend money they don’t have/leave their kids and animals without proper care or oversight… anyone that asked me to do that because they have their special day blabla could go do one

get real. And if you love your partner you don’t need the balloons and glitter and the one single special day. And you certainly don’t need to make people around you do things they can’t do because you have a Barbie world fantasy