I’ve killed the wedding group chat (AIBU)

[TheLastTimeISawRichard]

NC as a few details may be outing but been around a long time.

Apologies if this is a long one!

My sister is getting married this year to a lovely guy, she has waited a long time to find the one and absolutely deserves all the happiness, we are delighted for her.

I am a bridesmaid as are other family members and my 3 DD’s, it’s all very exiting and my girls have talked about nothing else.

We are however unique in the wedding party in that we live over 500 miles from the rest of them and only member of now hen/bridesmaids chat groups that have any dependants/DC

So not to drip feed and because I think might be relevant to the post, I also have a DH in the Forces who is operational this year and Dogs and larger animals that need taken care of twice daily.

A hen weekend group chat has been set up by sis’s good friend and MoH, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon is lovely and VERY keen, I think I counted 8 “supers” in the first message she sent me back on October, that being said obviously has my DS best interests as heart and wants her to have a lovely time.

Sharon had spoke to my DS and they had decided on a central UK city for the location, I think somewhere my sis would have picked anyway but it was very much sold as this would make it easier for you to get to as middle of country, Sharon has wanted to book and organise for the start of summer since October and I have felt the pressure since her original message back then.

Firstly we have no idea if my DH will be here in the summer, he is working with an ever changing program that we are used to working round and has been the story of us married life but it’s really hard to explain to non service young girls who all work in Mon-Fri 9-5 jobs that we probably won’t know if he’s going to be here and able to be around for our 3 DC and small petting zoo until a few weeks before.

Its also right at the start (like the weekend before) of my eldests GCSE bracket so can’t uproot her or expect someone else to responsible for making sure she is studying etc.

Secondly it’s just all so expensive. Sharon has priced and provisionally booked an AirB&B which covering DS’s share comes to £200, I will be at least £100 on transport and they are looking at booking boozy brunch’s, champagne rooftop bars and dance workshops. I’m definitely not not going to get change out of £600 and that’s if my DH is around I don’t have to look at Kennels for Dog, care for other animals etc and with the wedding shorty after and everything we need to pay out for that just too much!

There are 6 members in the group, obviously my DC are too young and I don’t think it was even considered that my DM and DS’s (soon to be) MIL & SIL’s would come so a very small group and I’m not sure if this is making me more or less guilty.

After sitting on it for a few days and mulling it over with DH & DP’s I sent a (nice) message to the last night saying that with DH’s job, costs, exams and various other moving parts it just wasn’t possible to commit to dates/book and it was going to be financially too much for us, I did however suggest than maybe I could get the train for the day, wasn’t sure if doable but was definitely something I’d look into (and I will)

Since then we have gone from a very quite an annoyingly busy chat to absolutely nothing, and I’m now scared that everyone thinks I’m a right dick…

Admittedly things have changed since I got married 17 years ago, DS (and I’m sure her friends) has been too 3 Hen’s in Marbella in the last 5 years and would think nothing to putting aside £1/2K to spend on each, I had a lovely night at mine but went out for an Italian with my nearest and dearest and then on to a cheap night club with a big inflatable Willy under my arm! My wedding was wonderful and beautiful but definitely not as polished as the cool Insta weddings of today with the trendy venue’s and expensive Dj’s and it’s really skewing my view of what I should have done and how my message last night was received.

It’s also worth mentioning that my sister isn’t on the Hen/Bridesmaid group chat, Sharon is chatting to her separately and then relaying back what she would like and suggestions to make this happen. It feels quite strange as she and I are quite close and talk/message at least 3 times a week and it’s made this quite an elephant in the room and we seem to clunk round it whenever we do chat…

However I’ve bit the bullet and asked if she is free for a call over lunch so I can talk to her about it which feels much more normal to me but I’m sure will will piss off the rest of the group further, unsure if I will add to the hen chat the outcome!

Im not really sure what I’m asking but would be nice to have some views on this.

It's isn't that odd. My sil is the same age as me. I arranged her hen do. One of the games we played was 'how well do you know the hen' and two of the questions related to birthday/date' and I later found out she was furious as she didn't want her much younger friends to know how old she was. She was 10/15 years older than them so I don't find it that odd at all.

Your reasons are perfectly valid. It is the waiting until everything has been planned around you before giving them that's the pain and could have been avoided.

There's absolutely no way I would leave 3 children with a 15 year old in charge and be 500 miles away

Your reasons are very valid but you've gone about it a bit clumsily. Hopefully the call with your DSis will clear the air and perhaps you can plan a family event involving your mum etc too.

I don't think YABU at all. October to summer is a long time to plan a hen.

When I was MOH I think I sent out a tentative 'we will have hen in May' or something months and months in advance to give people an idea of when the hen would be. Then when it was the new year I planned it properly, got firmer numbers etc. It doesn't sound like you led them on. And as you said the Air BnB can be cancelled.

I also don't think your reasons sound like excuses. We have a farm, getting cover is difficult, but we have family around. I don't know who would mind the animals if we didn't have reliable family to do it. Also 3 DC, by the sound of it 2 of them are probably too young to be left alone. Your DD should be able to study herself though.

I would try my best to make it there. They may have to book without you. If they go for a hotel that'll be easier as you can just book your own room later on.

I've been to plenty of hens where people (granted not the sister) only come to part of the party

Bravo! Very well said! 👍

Rest assured OP

I doubt you’ll be missed

So to be clear @TheLastTimeISawRichard :

YANBU for not attending the hen do - all your reasons are extremely valid, particularly on DH being away, childcare and animal care, DD doing GCSEs & cost

YABVU for not saying anything last Oct as you knew all of the above was happening - being busy due to 'Christmas' in Oct and not saying anything for nearly 3 months is poor

You posted this on AIBU. It seems to me that you are BU in terms of your bad communication skills, not in terms of whether or not you can go. You are replying quite heatedly and defensively to people on here and calling them privileged. But looking at it from the other side, you seem to be saying that people are privileged if they make arrangements far in advance or if they think you should have communicated better with Sharon or your sister months ago when all this was brought up. Other people might say that it is unfair if conscious of money to make people pay more potentially by not communicating properly with others, or by letting them arrange things around you when your circumstances mean you will probably let them down anyway.

I get the impression that you feel that other people should have second-guessed your circumstances more. You also sound aggrieved because it seems like you are assuming others have ready cash that you don't. Which might well be the case, on the other hand it sounds very like they are trying to set something up very specifically with your needs in mind, even if it's not really going to work for you. They have a right to feel aggrieved if they are trying and you aren't really trying or communicating. I think you are being unfair - particularly on Sharon who doesn't know you and might have no real idea about the ins and outs of your situation practically speaking. Why is her saying "super" a lot relevant in any way at all? Only in that you seem to be saying she's eager to do the hen night and you are less eager?

Do you really want to go to this event? Is there a bit more to it? Perhaps you don't know the people well or feel like they are going to be at a very different life stage? Or perhaps you are worried that things are spiralling or that if you do go you will be pressured to pay more than you planned or you won't really enjoy it? If this is the case perhaps you need to think about it a bit more objectively and honestly. Do you think your sister will be very hurt if you don't go? If you are close and speak a lot, why are you not getting a sense from her what she really wants and not leaving it to Sharon to thrash around in the dark trying to organise other people's family/expectations etc? (Which is a very difficult thing to do, let's face it.) I think it's on you to speak properly to your sister and not just leave it to her friend. I don't really understand why you haven't spoken to your sister before now.

Just to be clear, I HATE things to be organised massively in advance. I also am not keen on hen nights. I have absolute sympathy with all of your reasons/excuses in that the whole thing sounds like a huge lot of expense and hassle and full of uncertainty. Especially if you don't enjoy that kind of experience. But only you know how important this is to your sister and your family dynamics and whether or not you actually WANT to go and whether you might enjoy it. If the latter, then you can work things out somehow by properly communicating and working things out with Sharon and your sister to enable you to go. If you really don't like that kind of experience anyway, then let them get on with something without you that's easier for all of them and arrange something separate with your sister. They wouldn't have to go so near to you then or feel limited by your constraints and responsibilities. But I do think you've been very unfair to Sharon. Are you sure you're not a bit resentful of her being the go-between here? Perhaps you are blaming her rather than properly working it all out with your sister? From Sharon's pov it must be a nightmare to organise when people are being very passive or not very upfront and it's someone else's family dynamics to tread carefully around.

All luck to you OP. I am a nightmare to organise myself. I just feel that we have to own our own failings (as it might be seen in other people's eyes) or personality traits or whatever. If we are honest with ourselves and with them, it's all fair really and tends to be easier to deal with. Apologies if I'm reading the wrong things into things - this is only a few suggestions. We all bring our experiences to bear as we can't know the full circumstances from a post or two on a forum.

Poor Sharon! Of course she matters - she's got the shit job of organising everything

YANBU! As other have said, the responses here are ridiculous. You have your perfectly valid reasons not to go, whether anyone else will understand or not is their issue. Sometimes it’s difficult to explain to people why you can’t do something as they just aren’t in your shoes. With time we learn to be less judgemental and more understanding towards people’s situations, but this comes with getting older and living through many things.

If I were you, I’d take your sister on a nice day out just you or with your DDs whenever you all can.

This.

It's very expensive (What happened to going out for a meal and a drink with toilet paper roses pinned to your top hat and L-plates on your dress? <shows age>) and more than that you have a lot of responsibilities - this isn't just getting someone to pop in and water a geranium and feed the goldfish when you aren't there.

Your sister should surely understand.

In your circumstances you were never going to be able to go on the hen. You should have made this plain from the start.

All of those Christmas things you mentioned are completely optional. Pantos, jumpers and secret santa? If you're on a tight budget don't do these in the first place. You were given nearly eight months' notice about the hen do. That's more than enough time to save up for it and for paid childcare/pet help. Your excuses are pretty flimsy.

Of course you can’t leave a 15 in this situation, with all of this responsibility, whilst she is doing her GCSE - for an overpriced hen do, 100s of miles away. That would be so unfair to the child, and what if some thing went wrong? And some people genuinely do not have others near by to rely on, for what ever reason. She can’t just magic up a support network out of thin air.

OP don’t feel guilty. People losing their minds over a hen do, don’t get sucked into it. You have your priorities at home and that trumps any hen do. Tell your sister, she will understand. I wouldn’t leave my daughter in this circumstance.

I was going to say YANBU as it's fine to say no to a hen party, for any one of the reasons you have.

However...

If I was Sharon I'd be annoyed you are saying this once it's already booked and costs factored in, plus location to accommodate you. You should have just said no from the start (back in October). Now they'll have to absorb your costs and travel further than they'd like.

So yes, YABU.

It's your sister! Stop with the excuses. If you wanted to make it work you would.
In fact you should be trying your up most to try and find solutions to all the 'issues' and 'reasons' that you can't go.

It's really quite sad.

Would the posters on here leaving comments like..

You won't be missed op

They'll have a much better time without you op

Etc

Would you say this to someone's face?

Also, there's now probably 100+ comments telling op she should have told the moh in October, why don't people read the whole thread before commenting

It’s just a hen do, not the actual wedding. It’s not the biggest deal. Her sister will still be her sister after the hen do.

Once you’ve spoken to your Dsister (and hopefully she understands your reasons) I’d just go back the group to let them know you’ve talked to/cleared it with her and they should go ahead with plans which you will try and join.

Likely they don’t want to be messenger back to your sister that you are a maybe.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, you’re at a totally different life stage with different priorities and responsibilities. They don’t necessarily need to understand it all but they will need to accept the limitations it’s places on you.

I’d message back saying for them to go ahead and book whatever they/sis would love to do, that you’ll be happy to stay in and watch the planning or are happy to be removed from the chat to allow them to plan. I’d say you’ll know by April or whenever your/DH plans and will be able to commit or not at that point and if not you’d love to join for a day. Tell them you’ll speak to DS and let her know too.

People are getting so worked up about the cost. That's not the problem here.

OP is reasonable not to go due to cost or any other reason.

OP is unreasonable to not have just said that from the start.

If the OP genuinely has no way of ever getting away for a night on her own then she has bigger issues than missing her sister's hen night.

I will never understand women who end up solely relying on their dhs being around for their freedom. Doesn't she even have other army wives around??

If I had a sister, would I be happy about any element of my wedding causing her this amount of stress/hassle? Not sure I would. Not if I liked her, anyway.
What's a hen? A pre-party party. It's supposed to be fun for all involved, not a massive drain on all available resources.
If you're looking at £600 before you've booked so much as a dog walker, you could be looking at waaaay north of £1k costs celebrating the hen alone, and that's before your costs for the actual wedding!
Can't understand some peoples brains. "Only £100" and "just leave the 15 year old a few days before exams in charge of 2 kids, dogs, house and (assuming) horses". Madness.

I'm an army wife with multiple pets including horses and a small child. I'd move heaven and earth to be there for my sisters hen. Sort kennels/cover for the animals, drive your children to your parents, go to the hen.

If you can't afford it then say you can't, don't use other stuff as an excuse.