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AIBU or was the timing wrong from my mum?

63 replies

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 00:40

Hi, I’m sure many have a parent who has some traits of narcissism amongst other things. But I feel this what my mum done really showed me.

In no way am I disrespecting her or anyone who has suffered from cancer. For a long time I knew my mum had something serious going on, so did my sisters.

we begged & pleaded for her to go the doctors & she lied repeatedly & told us she had & it was a bed sore. Which was impossible as she didn’t exactly sit in one place for a long time. She’s mobile to be precise.

Cut a long story short, I passed my driving test & was so excited to see my parents after going to my own home & telling my boyfriend & our children. I walked to my parents & was beaming & told them.

This isn’t an exaggeration this was how my mum responded.. With a big grin on her face, “Well I’ve got news for you, guess what I’ve got?!” I genuinely thought she had a little gift or something for me for passing my test until my dad said “Why tell her today of all days” so I asked her what she had & she smirked & went to my dad “Go on you tell her”

My dad shook his head & said “No you tell her!” So she said “Cancer” & she never looked so happy to see my excitement of me passing my test deflate instantly. I felt awful that I’d just bounced in so excited when my mum had cancer & she hid it from us all for weeks.

This is just one of many times she’s done something similar whenever any of her daughters are happy or achieved anything.

I am not taking anything away in terms of her cancer I looked after her completely once I knew & she’s cancer free thank god but I just can’t help feel she done that on purpose when she’d known for months before hand.

So AIBU to think that was a bit wrong to tell me so happily & on the day of me passing my test? I actually feel bad that I feel like this. It was the way she was so happy to tell me, I can’t quite believe it.

OP posts:
kirwanco · 09/01/2023 00:42

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waynesworldpartytimeexcellent · 09/01/2023 00:44

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Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 00:44

I think the way she told you was cruel... why would she say it in such a smirky/happy/passive aggressive way? That's just awful.

mamabear715 · 09/01/2023 00:44

Yanbu, I got the impression she liked spiting you. :-(

Maya678 · 09/01/2023 00:45

@kirwanco did you actually read how OP explained how her mum was?! 🙄 I have a family member that absolutely loves it when she has bad news to share-cancer being one of them. They thrive on the attention and sadness it brings and your mum clearly wanted to piss on your parade.

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 00:46

@kirwanco In no way did I say me passing my driving test trumped her cancer diagnosis. Hence why I said I felt awful for bouncing in her home so excited not knowing she had cancer. As if me passing a driving test is above my own mother having cancer.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 09/01/2023 00:46

YANBU. Revolting behaviour from her.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 00:48

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Anyone who has lived with a narc gets what you are talking about OP.

A classic tactic is to take any celebration - other people's birthdays, anniversaries, parties - & set out to ruin the celebrating person's day, by making it all about themselves.

PP who want to judge & scold you are looking at the small picture of this single occurence, & failing to note that it's not a one-off.

AspiringMermaid · 09/01/2023 00:48

I'm sorry that's really awful, my mum was also diagnosed with cancer but she never would have told me in that way. Even aside from the timing of passing your test, ruining a nice moment, telling you while passive aggressively smirking is just horrible! Yanbu

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 00:54

Thank you for the comments that are genuine. In no way was I trying to say me passing my test was more important than my mum having cancer. I’d never think or imply anything like that.

This is just the worst of the many things she’s planted on me & my sisters in times of joy. Had I have known about her cancer before I absolutely wouldn’t have walked in happy as Larry that day. Alls I meant was I can’t help feel that she told me that specific day to put a downer on me.

Im certain her having cancer was horrific. I can’t even imagine how hard it must’ve been for her but I just wonder if how she told me was normal. Because my dad was absolutely mortified by how she declared it like it was a fantastic thing. Maybe she was nervous. But I definitely don’t think me passing my test was/is more important. To clear that up.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 00:55

Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 00:44

I think the way she told you was cruel... why would she say it in such a smirky/happy/passive aggressive way? That's just awful.

It's a well-known phenomenon with narcs - www.thriveafterabuse.com/narcissistic-smirk

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 00:58

For example i took her for a lovely meal a few weeks ago with my 10 year old son & we have a frenchie & he was talking about him excitedly because he just loves him & my mum said “You know he won’t live forever” his little face absolutely fell, I went ballistic & told her to never say anything like that to the kids again, it was like looking at a younger me when I seen his face & it’s made me go over all the times she’s done this & I thought maybe it was me being unreasonable but I truly believe she has narcissistic tendencies.

OP posts:
Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:00

@KettrickenSmiled yes of course, I'm aware of how manipulative narcissists can be (I grew up with one). I just think this is alarming behaviour, sounds more like sociopathic no?

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 01:03

@Shauna27 Ive never even thought about sociopath traits but I will read up on that. I’m sorry you’ve dealt with narcissistic people in your life.

OP posts:
Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:09

@HappyValleyIsBrilliant the reason I think it sounds like sociopathic traits is because she seems to enjoy the misery/upset/sadness/shock that she (deliberately) creates. Narcissistic traits are usually to fuel their own ego/feel superior, but their main motive isn't to cause pain/upset, that's usually just a consequence of their actions.

My step father was an abusive Narcissist so to get over some of the trauma I've spent time doing counselling - it does help, especially to understand their motives etc so that you can get some closure and overcome the trauma. I'd really recommend it.

Summerlark · 09/01/2023 01:16

Who cares about what is wrong with this horrible nasty woman? I'd forget reading up about her symptoms and concentrate on having nothing to do with her. That comment to your son about the dog was one of the meanest things I have heard. I am sure your mother is not bringing joy to your son's life. You should protect your son at least if you can't bear to cut off all contact yourself.

Eyerollcentral · 09/01/2023 01:17

@HappyValleyIsBrilliant i have a similar parent. It’s difficult for those with supportive and straightforwardly loving parents to understand what it’s like to have someone who is supposed to be your cheerleader actively demolishing every single happy occasion or achievement. Well done on passing your driving test!

Maya678 · 09/01/2023 01:18

Yes congratulations on passing your driving test OP! Fuck your nun and her selfish nasty ways.

KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 01:20

Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:00

@KettrickenSmiled yes of course, I'm aware of how manipulative narcissists can be (I grew up with one). I just think this is alarming behaviour, sounds more like sociopathic no?

It doesn't matter what the label is, it matters that OP is being bullied & manipulated, is able to focus on that, & how to protect herself, rather than get 'stuck' analysing whatever specific disorder her mother has.

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 01:20

@Summerlark We don’t see her much if ever anymore. I didn’t mention that as that’s another story on it’s own. Once she started moving on to my children that’s when the line was drawn for me. In no way will my children grow up around the things I did.

OP posts:
TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 09/01/2023 01:22

She sounds awful.

My mum is lovely and I just know if I had some happy news she would keep her bad news to herself for a little longer (unless it was time sensitive). I would think that’s how any normal loving mother would behave.
It’s not about some news trumping other. A cancer diagnosis isn’t going to go away if she gets to announce it first.

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 01:22

@Eyerollcentral I can completely see how it would come across to the lucky ones who’ve had supportive parents in their lives. But the ones who haven’t will get what I’m saying. & thank you!

@KettrickenSmiled I don’t bother with her anymore, I did mention that in my
previous post. & my children are kept well away now. Unfortunately it’s the only way to give me piece of mind.

@Maya678 Thank you! Means a lot!

OP posts:
Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:24

@KettrickenSmiled I never said it mattered, you in fact were the one who labelled her mother a narcissist and even attached a link for me to read lol. So I'm not sure what your point is.

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 01:25

@Shauna27 Yeah, I think you’re on to
something with sociopathic traits. I have never had therapy but it’s something I think me & my sisters would absolutely benefit from as we all have had the same experiences with her.

OP posts:
BabyOnBoard90 · 09/01/2023 01:25

She's gone from having cancer to having all clear and this is still playing on your mind?

Possibly time to get over it.

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