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AIBU?

AIBU or was the timing wrong from my mum?

63 replies

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 00:40

Hi, I’m sure many have a parent who has some traits of narcissism amongst other things. But I feel this what my mum done really showed me.

In no way am I disrespecting her or anyone who has suffered from cancer. For a long time I knew my mum had something serious going on, so did my sisters.

we begged & pleaded for her to go the doctors & she lied repeatedly & told us she had & it was a bed sore. Which was impossible as she didn’t exactly sit in one place for a long time. She’s mobile to be precise.

Cut a long story short, I passed my driving test & was so excited to see my parents after going to my own home & telling my boyfriend & our children. I walked to my parents & was beaming & told them.

This isn’t an exaggeration this was how my mum responded.. With a big grin on her face, “Well I’ve got news for you, guess what I’ve got?!” I genuinely thought she had a little gift or something for me for passing my test until my dad said “Why tell her today of all days” so I asked her what she had & she smirked & went to my dad “Go on you tell her”

My dad shook his head & said “No you tell her!” So she said “Cancer” & she never looked so happy to see my excitement of me passing my test deflate instantly. I felt awful that I’d just bounced in so excited when my mum had cancer & she hid it from us all for weeks.

This is just one of many times she’s done something similar whenever any of her daughters are happy or achieved anything.

I am not taking anything away in terms of her cancer I looked after her completely once I knew & she’s cancer free thank god but I just can’t help feel she done that on purpose when she’d known for months before hand.

So AIBU to think that was a bit wrong to tell me so happily & on the day of me passing my test? I actually feel bad that I feel like this. It was the way she was so happy to tell me, I can’t quite believe it.

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Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:27

@HappyValleyIsBrilliant I think it would be really helpful, it definitely helped me to feel less eaten up by the awful things my step father did over the years. You've done the right thing to limit contact/cut her out.

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HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 01:28

@BabyOnBoard90 I never said I was or wasn’t over it, I just wanted to know that I wasn’t BU for thinking how she told me was a bit odd. That is all.

OP posts:

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KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 01:31

Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:24

@KettrickenSmiled I never said it mattered, you in fact were the one who labelled her mother a narcissist and even attached a link for me to read lol. So I'm not sure what your point is.

I labelled the smirk, not the person.

People can have narcissistic traits without being clinically diagnosible as having NPD. Even if this mother is a full-blown narc (or sociopath) & even if you & I were experienced shrinks, we wouldn't be able to diagnose her over the net.

It's useful to understand the traits, but from a stance of learning strategies to deal with them. OP has already taken the most effective step - creating distance.

Dr Ramani is an informative, compassionate & very useful resource for those with suspected narcs/unreasonable people in their lives - again, less about "what makes them so difficult" than "how do I best respond to protect myself" -
https://www.youtube.com/user/DoctorRamanDurvasula

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KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 01:32

BabyOnBoard90 · 09/01/2023 01:25

She's gone from having cancer to having all clear and this is still playing on your mind?

Possibly time to get over it.

Possibly time to RTFT.

Or even just the OP, where it is clear that OP's dad was troubled by his wife's performance too.

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Fraaahnces · 09/01/2023 01:32

My mum did similar. She’s been smoking VERY, very heavily since she was 14 and was also anorexic and an alcoholic. (Extremely functional…) I organized a huge 70th birthday party with people coming from all over the country and from overseas. I was living in the Netherlands at the time (we’re from Aus) and flew over and surprised her. She thanked everyone for coming AND thanked my brother for organizing the birthday (he’s the golden child)!!!!
When that error was pointed out by everyone, she said “Oh well, Fraaaahnces will be happy now. She can say “I told you so.”… “I’ve got COPD AND Lung Cancer. Happy Fucking Birthday to Me!” The party ended with a bit of a thud.

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Manicwithmoney · 09/01/2023 01:35

YANBU! She was trying to shift the focus to her!

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Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:39

@KettrickenSmiled if you actually read my responses to OP, you'd see that I told her it was helpful to understand these traits via counselling to overcome the trauma that can be inflicted because of such traits.

You're the only one who seems hung up on the diagnosing/labelling aspect. It's not really relevant.

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KettrickenSmiled · 09/01/2023 01:45

Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:39

@KettrickenSmiled if you actually read my responses to OP, you'd see that I told her it was helpful to understand these traits via counselling to overcome the trauma that can be inflicted because of such traits.

You're the only one who seems hung up on the diagnosing/labelling aspect. It's not really relevant.

You keep posting to lecture me about diagnosis, you asked if I thought OP's mother is more of a sociopath than a narc, I replied that I don't know & it's not important, & now you reckon I'm the one who ... is hung up on diagnosing? 😂

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Shauna27 · 09/01/2023 01:48

@KettrickenSmiled I simply responded to a post your tagged me. I have zero interest in lecturing anybody. I'll leave that to you :)

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CharlotteRose90 · 09/01/2023 01:50

Nope. I say this as someone who’s mum had cancer. She announced it to take the shine off you 100%. You can not smirk and grin about having cancer. No offence but is your mum ok mentally as that doesn’t seem right. Either way congrats on passing your test.

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Eyerollcentral · 09/01/2023 01:55

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 01:22

@Eyerollcentral I can completely see how it would come across to the lucky ones who’ve had supportive parents in their lives. But the ones who haven’t will get what I’m saying. & thank you!

@KettrickenSmiled I don’t bother with her anymore, I did mention that in my
previous post. & my children are kept well away now. Unfortunately it’s the only way to give me piece of mind.

@Maya678 Thank you! Means a lot!

My parent has started doing the same to the grandchildren, reducing one of my nieces to tears on her prom and acting awkwardly and rudely in other situations when it’s no longer all eyes on her. You’ve been completely correct to limit your children to that kind of treatment.

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Kitkatcatflap · 09/01/2023 01:59

Can you clarify something? Did your mum know you were taking your driving test when you came in to find them there? Or was it a coincidence?

I know you have got some armchair diagnosing on here but it's hard to judge from what you have said. Even the comment about your Frenchie although harsh - there is lots out about their over breeding and short life spans.

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HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 02:06

@Kitkatcatflap Yeah, she knew I was doing my test that day & as for my son talking about our frenchie he was talking about how he gets the zoomies & how funny they are & my mum deemed it ok to say what she said about the dog.

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whatthefactuall · 09/01/2023 02:10

I would’ve said “Ah well at least I can now drive you to your appointments and wig fitting and stuff” and turned it round into a positive 😉

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Kitkatcatflap · 09/01/2023 02:34

HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 02:06

@Kitkatcatflap Yeah, she knew I was doing my test that day & as for my son talking about our frenchie he was talking about how he gets the zoomies & how funny they are & my mum deemed it ok to say what she said about the dog.

I wondered if it was a coincidence she was there, perhaps building herself up to tell you. It seems like a very odd thing to do, to turn up like that. It sounds as if your Dad didn't agree with her telling you, why didn't he dissuade her?

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Cariadz · 09/01/2023 02:38

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Cariadz · 09/01/2023 02:39

Kitkatcatflap · 09/01/2023 02:34

I wondered if it was a coincidence she was there, perhaps building herself up to tell you. It seems like a very odd thing to do, to turn up like that. It sounds as if your Dad didn't agree with her telling you, why didn't he dissuade her?

Show quote history

Because it wasn’t him that had been told he had cancer. It was his wife. She’s the one who was going through it and reacting to all of what was going on in her heart and her head.

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HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 02:45

@Cariadz Label me for what? I literally said in my previous posts how bad I felt that I’d bounced in happy about passing my driving test, after finding out my mum had cancer. If I was a narcissist or whatever label you’re talking about I wouldn’t care. I simply stand by the fact that this is the worst of her many ways she’s declared really serious/sad things when there’s something positive happening. Why some people on here are so insistent on changing my story & words to fit their own story is bizarre. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but some of these comments are so far off what I’ve actually said it’s just not worth the hassle. Sorry I ever posted it.

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HappyValleyIsBrilliant · 09/01/2023 02:49

@Kitkatcatflap He doesn’t go against her because he simply wants a quiet life. As unfortunate as that is, he’s been married to her for over 40 years. I’m 30, so 10+ years longer than I was around. He did tell her, now is not the time. But I think he knew no matter what he would’ve said she was going to say it anyway.

by the way she could’ve told me ANY time ANY place I don’t care if I’d have won the lottery. It’s how she told me that’s bothered me. The big happy build up & the smile from ear to ear.

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user432900976 · 09/01/2023 03:47

@KettrickenSmiled

It doesn't matter what the label is, it matters that OP is being bullied & manipulated, is able to focus on that, & how to protect herself, rather than get 'stuck' analysing whatever specific disorder her mother has.

You're the one who specifically quoted pp naming OP's mum as a narcassist and now pp is explaining she knows what a narcassist is and thinks OP's mum is something else, you're now saying a label doesn't matter?
You purposefully quoted pp as if she didn't understand what a narcassist was. It comes across as very patronising to me.

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Cariadz · 09/01/2023 03:48

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DrManhattan · 09/01/2023 04:36

I would go no contact, she sounds unhinged.

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WoofWoofWoofMudToys · 09/01/2023 05:00

I'm pleased you've limited your & your childrens contact with her! Whatever label is correct, she's 'off' and not giid for you & yours.

I hope you can find ways of seeing your Dad, he doesn't deserve to miss out on you & your kids growing up.

as you may have gathered, I definitely agree she intentionally sprung her news to spoil yours, she wanted to bring you down. She could have chosen any time to tell you, it didn't need to be then & certainly not the way she did.

Do what you think is best to try to heal some of the wounds she's caused, try to reclaim your mind space!! Your sisters too.

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AnyMucca · 09/01/2023 05:10

For all those channelling mum. Getting an illness doesn't stop someone from being nasty or using it to their own ends.

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Cariadz · 09/01/2023 06:00

AnyMucca · 09/01/2023 05:10

For all those channelling mum. Getting an illness doesn't stop someone from being nasty or using it to their own ends.

Channelling? That alone tells me you’re best taken with a pinch of salt.

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