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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told my Dad he can’t stay with us

67 replies

winningeasy · 08/01/2023 22:28

My father and step mum asked to stay mid week for one night and one morning. He lives about 3 hours away and is attending a conference locally. I have a small child, and me and my partner both work (him full time long hours, me part time), both from home, we don’t have a big house, our desks are setup in the spare room and we start 8:30am normally. We also have a nanny who comes to look after our child when we’re both working. There is a lot of juggling during weekdays - swimming lessons, walking dog, play groups, managing childcare, sorting meals and of course actually doing work, we just don’t have guests during the week for this reason. I also go to bed pretty early, don’t drink anymore (they are big drinkers) and know they’ll expect us to stay up with them.

I don’t have a close relationship with my Dad, it’s very low contact - due to neglect and abuse in my childhood. I would never leave my child with them.

I have asked him to get a hotel, and offered for them to come over for lunch either before or after the conference. They are both retired and it’s a nice area to explore so it could be a nice break. They are pretty well-off so money is not the issue.

Often I have got a hotel instead of staying at theirs when I go to see them, as we have a child and dog and there isn’t really enough space at theirs.

He’s really unhappy about this and has taken it as we do not want to see them and made me feel really guilty.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 08/01/2023 22:30

Yanbu, happy to see them, but no spare room for them to stay. Don't understand their issue!

Onnabugeisha · 08/01/2023 22:31

YANBU at all.

Sandra1984 · 08/01/2023 22:32

MichelleScarn · 08/01/2023 22:30

Yanbu, happy to see them, but no spare room for them to stay. Don't understand their issue!

This. Hang on to your boundaries. He’s abusive, so he’s giving you a guilt trip. What’s new?

PerpetualFailure · 08/01/2023 22:33

Yanbu

Fairydustandsparklylights · 08/01/2023 22:34

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Awrite · 08/01/2023 22:36

Your home is your work so you cannot host them.

Do not relent.

LCforlife · 08/01/2023 22:36

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The OP has listed many reasons why it doesn't work for them to stay there even without the difficult relationship they have.

Why are you being nasty?

Want2beme · 08/01/2023 22:37

I can't imagine why your abusive father would think you'd agree to him staying with you. He should consider himself lucky to have any contact with you

YANBU

SnackyOnassis · 08/01/2023 22:37

If he was abusive to you in your childhood, then all the other reasons don't really matter. You don't want him in your home, and you don't have to provide a million reasons.
You've offered an alternative, I think it's a great suggestion if you actually want to see him, and it'll be a good exercise for you to enjoy the boundaries you've learned to set and for him, to learn to respect them.

Dontsayanything · 08/01/2023 22:44

He is your father .He might have been abusive ,but you are okay to meet him (I often go and meet him).Just because you dont want to be inconvenienced for one night ,doesnt mean you blame him .He still deserve respect and a bit of hospitality from his son.

cansu · 08/01/2023 22:47

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Cherrysoup · 08/01/2023 22:51

There is no space for him to stay: does he not understand this?

Coolheadedbird · 08/01/2023 22:51

I was thinking you were unreasonable till you brought up neglect and abuse.

Hold yr boundary.

Guilt is the abusers way in. Hold yr boundary .

ily0 · 08/01/2023 22:54

Dontsayanything · 08/01/2023 22:44

He is your father .He might have been abusive ,but you are okay to meet him (I often go and meet him).Just because you dont want to be inconvenienced for one night ,doesnt mean you blame him .He still deserve respect and a bit of hospitality from his son.

Are you an abusive parent by any chance? And OP is a woman.

Sometimeswinning · 08/01/2023 22:56

I think the abuse is a big thing. For my parents it would be a no brainer. Dh and I would sleep on the sofa for them for a night. I think most would if they were from a well adjusted family (Not saying we're perfect but there isn't much we wouldn't do for each other!)

Positivelypatient · 08/01/2023 22:57

So he's not really coming to see you at all, justs wants to use you as free accommodation. It'd be a no from me.

TravelWeDo · 08/01/2023 22:57

YANBU
Even without the history it’s a lot to ask. Keep your LC boundaries for your own sanity and let them say what they think

theGooHasGone · 08/01/2023 22:59

YANBU at all. I find a lot of older people don't really understand working from home and probably assume that if you're in the house most of the day rather than an office, you're automatically able to host them. Your house, your rules!

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 08/01/2023 23:05

I go and stay at my own parents, and at my DS and DB’s sometimes, for a break, or just to spend time with them. They are always welcome to come here for the day, and I’m always happy to host … but the simple fact is that I just don’t have the room for them to stay here overnight. Plus I work long hours, and have a dog that none of them would cope with.
Sometimes, no matter what the relationship is like, we just can’t accommodate friends and relatives in the way we would like to.
Could you find them a local AirBnb or hotel, and arrange to meet up with them while they are there? I know that they say they feel as if you don’t want to see them, but that might change if you made specific plans.

KathyCornwall · 08/01/2023 23:09

I get on ok with my parents when I see them but I'm LC now. It's manageable that way and I'm happy with my boundaries.
If their house burned down I'd pay for a hotel for a night, but I'd never have them sleep in my home. The thought of waking up to them would would send me over the edge.
You do whatever suits you. Believe me, they will always have suited themselves.

Conkersinautumn · 08/01/2023 23:13

YANBU. Him pushing at your boundaries and attempting to manipulate you is awful. Stick to your decision, make it clear this is the situation. Practice your rebuttals.

He doesn't get to decide what your limits are

Reugny · 08/01/2023 23:50

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If you WFH, don't have extra space and don't really get on with someone it is a lot to put them up for one night.

RandomCatGenerator · 08/01/2023 23:56

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Interesting. Thought you were being reasonable until this, OP…

BigHeadBertha · 08/01/2023 23:57

You made a good decision. A problem father and his wife in a small space overnight OR the problem father being mad? Haha, that's a no brainer. Let him be mad, who cares!

SuperHandss · 08/01/2023 23:58

Dontsayanything · 08/01/2023 22:44

He is your father .He might have been abusive ,but you are okay to meet him (I often go and meet him).Just because you dont want to be inconvenienced for one night ,doesnt mean you blame him .He still deserve respect and a bit of hospitality from his son.

Why does he deserve that?