Told my Dad he can’t stay with us

[winningeasy]

My father and step mum asked to stay mid week for one night and one morning. He lives about 3 hours away and is attending a conference locally. I have a small child, and me and my partner both work (him full time long hours, me part time), both from home, we don’t have a big house, our desks are setup in the spare room and we start 8:30am normally. We also have a nanny who comes to look after our child when we’re both working. There is a lot of juggling during weekdays - swimming lessons, walking dog, play groups, managing childcare, sorting meals and of course actually doing work, we just don’t have guests during the week for this reason. I also go to bed pretty early, don’t drink anymore (they are big drinkers) and know they’ll expect us to stay up with them.

I don’t have a close relationship with my Dad, it’s very low contact - due to neglect and abuse in my childhood. I would never leave my child with them.

I have asked him to get a hotel, and offered for them to come over for lunch either before or after the conference. They are both retired and it’s a nice area to explore so it could be a nice break. They are pretty well-off so money is not the issue.

Often I have got a hotel instead of staying at theirs when I go to see them, as we have a child and dog and there isn’t really enough space at theirs.

He’s really unhappy about this and has taken it as we do not want to see them and made me feel really guilty.

AIBU?

@Sandra1984 that makes total sense!
And they would love it if I wrong them in some way by neglecting their needs somehow (because I am busy with the baby / dog / work etc etc) as this would give them stuff to moan about, which they absolutely revel in!

Nah fuck that.

This kind of Stone Age thinking causes a lot of damage, in people’s lives. Respect is earned. Any arsehole can become a parent. If they have treated you badly, you don’t owe your mother or father anything. And you wouldn’t want to be exposing your children to that sought of behaviour from them.

Stick to your guns! I don't have my dad stay over in my house ever either.

That’s because narcissists have victim mentality. How dare you won’t stop everything you’re doing (job, baby, dog etc…) and take this wealthy man (who’s treated you like dirt) and his partner in your one bedroom (probably cramped home)? So mean if you 🤣 Do you really care he’ll badmouth you to his neighbours back at home? I’m pretty sure people know his game at this point. Sorry I’m projecting myself here but my dad is a narcissist too and I have the same problem as you 🤣

@SnoozyLucy7 totally agree with Stone Age Thinking.

It's more about me protecting the next generation and making sure their needs are met, rather than keeping my parents happy.

Well done OP for your strength and boundaries.

Don't doubt yourself.

Keep him away from your good life.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

Embrace your boundaries.

He’s really unhappy about this and has taken it as we do not want to see them and made me feel really guilty.

He's not bothered about staying overnight - he's bothered about controlling you. Getting a chance to dominate your environment, to make you stay up late while they drink. To cause you inconvenience & stress.

He was a negelctful & abusive parent you are now LC with.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. Do NOT pander to him in an attempt to allieviate your misplaced guilt, & certainly not in order to appease him or win his approval.

100%. Otherwise this how generational trauma gets passed down. Always taught that we must always forgive and forget family, when they have been really bad. That’s so messed up. This how abuse happens. But I don’t want to teach my children that, and I want them to be respected and nurtured in the way I never was as a child.

Your life your rules.

@billy1966 thanks so much! Xx

@SnoozyLucy7 so true! Power to us 💪 x

The only thing that’s baffling is that you have anything to do with him.

I wouldn’t want my child in the same room as him with me present

We also have a nanny who comes to look after our child when we’re both working. There is a lot of juggling during weekdays - swimming lessons, walking dog, play groups, managing childcare, sorting meals and of course actually doing work,

one child
two parents who both work from home
with a nanny

I can’t understand why so much “juggling during weekdays”?

but obviously not being unreasonable to have your abusive father over.

I was 45 when I finally got the courage to go nc with my mother, I had a horrific childhood. Why are you trying to shame the OP?

I am not trying to shame the OP FGS!

Op presumably your dh knows about the abuse? Surely it’s a hard no from him? So if you feel worried, ask him to communicate with your father

@Gwen82 why have you resurrected an old post to post annoying comments? Bugger off

Oh I’m sorry! I have no idea I came across this, really.

I will bow out