Told my Dad he can’t stay with us

[winningeasy]

My father and step mum asked to stay mid week for one night and one morning. He lives about 3 hours away and is attending a conference locally. I have a small child, and me and my partner both work (him full time long hours, me part time), both from home, we don’t have a big house, our desks are setup in the spare room and we start 8:30am normally. We also have a nanny who comes to look after our child when we’re both working. There is a lot of juggling during weekdays - swimming lessons, walking dog, play groups, managing childcare, sorting meals and of course actually doing work, we just don’t have guests during the week for this reason. I also go to bed pretty early, don’t drink anymore (they are big drinkers) and know they’ll expect us to stay up with them.

I don’t have a close relationship with my Dad, it’s very low contact - due to neglect and abuse in my childhood. I would never leave my child with them.

I have asked him to get a hotel, and offered for them to come over for lunch either before or after the conference. They are both retired and it’s a nice area to explore so it could be a nice break. They are pretty well-off so money is not the issue.

Often I have got a hotel instead of staying at theirs when I go to see them, as we have a child and dog and there isn’t really enough space at theirs.

He’s really unhappy about this and has taken it as we do not want to see them and made me feel really guilty.

AIBU?

Let him have the sofa. It's one night

YANBU for all the reasons you’ve listed and he’s not even visiting, it’s just somewhere to stay for free before working. Nah. Suggest a nice hotel at most.

It's the dad and step mum.

Your abusive father has asked you to make his life easier at the expense of your jobs and your child and when you’ve enforced your reasonable boundaries has played the victim.

Can you see how this is just his abusive personality coming out, demanding that you do what he wants regardless of the cost to you?

Don’t give it more headspace.

He basically wants to come and plonk himself in your office and have a little break there. That's completely unreasonable.

Stay strong- it really does not work for you and your family. Even if there was no abuse it still does not work. I too find parents/in-laws do not get WFH at all. MIL refers to my WFH days as my 'days off'. They can afford a local hotel and offering to host them for lunch is generous. If you can afford it arrange to meet them there and have lunch at the hotel.

Neglect is abuse, and abusive childhoods are lacking in emotional validation/support/guidance. One post in a previous thread doesn't mean the OP didn't experience the abuse she's mentioned. It's appalling to minimise her trauma based one post, or even a whole thread. You can't tell the story of years of abuse in just a few short sentences. Minimising others' experiences can be as damaging as the initial abuse itself.

OP, under the circumstances, I'd say YANBU. He's demonstrating his selfishness yet again, putting his demands above your needs. In the natural order, parents make sacrifices for their children, not the other way round. Don't sacrifice your family's and your wellbeing and routine for his whimsies. That's not how it's supposed to be.

"We don't have a spare bedroom any more, I'm afraid. We now have two desks in there and we are at work in it from 8:30. Although we're in the house were not available at all as we're in online meetings. We love to see you after work though, if you can come round for dinner."

That should explain it surely? How can he argue with that?
Also your mum would presumably need entertaining while he's at the conference, and you can't do it because you're at work.

I don't think the (presumably mild) abuser is that relevant, as you see him, and this occasion is about both of them. So just stick to the practical reasons why you simply can't put them up. Don't over explain with the kids club's and things. You just don't have a room for them to sleep in, you'll be at work in the house, and the nanny will be in the living area all day. "What a shame it's not at the weekend"

This is an excellent comment, I do not get how people can say abuse was 'mild' or similar: what is the benchmark in that case? How far is far enough to be classed as abuse? Only the OP can know what went on and how it affected their life.
@winningeasy stay strong and say no!

I love my parents and have a good relationship but as I dont have a large house with a separate guest annex, they wouldn't be allowed to stay midweek. You have a family home, you aren't running a hotel. It's fine to ask them to stay elsewhere.

The abuse you suffered as child is more important than all the other things mentioned. Don’t let him stay if you aren’t comfortable, it doesn’t matter how unhappy he is with your decision.

"He’s really unhappy about this and has taken it as we do not want to see them and made me feel really guilty."
Given that "I don’t have a close relationship with my Dad, it’s very low contact - due to neglect and abuse in my childhood. I would never leave my child with them.", rather than feel guilty you should respond that 'having thought about it, you're right, I don't want to see you'.

All your reasons not to host them are more than valid and a reasonable person would not even have asked. He is not a reasonable person, and I would wonder if his trying to put you in this position is just another form of abusing you. You certainly sound as if it has made you feel anxious and defensive. ((hug))

Stick to your guns & don’t let him guilt trip / manipulate you.

What’s he got to be offended about if he can clearly afford accommodation elsewhere & you’ve offered to host them for lunch etc?

You could msg him to say that you’re in no way delighting them - you’re busy, working parents with limited space, can’t stay up late drinking with work the next day, & unfortunately can’t accommodate them much as wld like to. If he chooses to be offended by those facts that’s down to him. You would “love” to see them for lunch however if they want to still see you. If not that’s their choice.

Unreasonable fucker.

Not delighting them - sleighting them!

Thanks to all the support folks. I have been wracked with guilt all weekend about this, but that's just another form of manipulation by my Dad I can see.

He's a narcissist, I know that much.

I really do not enjoy his company at the best of times. Since becoming a mother, getting married - and even getting a dog - it has put the relationship under more pressure as i'm always going to prioritise other beings over him. I know my partner does not enjoy their company either as they just slag people off and moan about stuff. So them coming into my home during a week day does feel like way too much for me to handle. Everyday feels like a military operation at the best of times - I'm easily overwhelmed tbh. The logistics don't work.

I offered alternatives to come for lunch and to recommend hotel / Airbnb. He's saying he's not going to bother now, what ever that means, I guess they didn't want to see their grand child that much then, and simply just wanted somewhere to crash / be fed.

Good point about this being my home as well as my work.

“We don’t have room for you to stay here, would be lovely to see you though, here are some good B&BS locally”

I find the best way to respond to people like this, is to be very matter of fact.

Why don't you want us to stay, you must not want to see us etc
I'm happy to see you both, but as I have already explained we cannot accommodate you during the week.

Fine, I won't bother coming then
OK.

Rinse and repeat. Don't react. Don't explain. Don't get drawn into explanations and arguments.

Yanbu. You don't have room, and even if you did, you don't owe him anything

I was ready to say YABU untill I saw re the abuse and neglect. Ordinarily I would say that families accomodate each other is possible, and it's a good chance to spend time together, especially with your DC. BUT it sounds like you have the distance and boundaries you have for a very good reason, so YANBU.

I baffled by the people quoting your previous Mumsnet posts. Firstly they don't disprove he was abusive,.that coldness is a form of and part of abuse.
And secondly noone is obliged to disclose every detail each time they post

This is a harsh and reductive response, it’s not as simple as that. OP I think you’re doing the right thing, and especially keeping your little one safe

@Fairydustandsparklylights What a nasty response!

He's been offered hospitality in the form of lunch. As a parent you don't get to interrupt your adult child's life, when they WFH, have to get to bed early etc. Your adult child deserves respect for their situation and if you can afford a hotel, then you go with that option.

As for being in contact with an abusive parent, it's complicated. It took me to my 30's to realise how abusive my childhood was. By that time my children had a relationship with my Mother. Going NC isn't the answer for everyone. The effect of an abusive childhood often surfaces after giving birth, the OP's situation is a work in progress. Emotional abuse is abuse, that's what the OP described. This isn't really a thread that would make a poster search previous history, that's a bit odd. Would those posters who are saying go with what the Dad wants, really expect to be put up in the circumstances?

@Ponoka7 you've completely nailed my situation, only really became aware it was a neglectful and abusive childhood since having kids, but have always kept my distance from them since leaving home at 17 and do not enjoy being around them

I am ok with a couple of hours and for them to be part of my children's life if they make the effort. But the reality is they do no make the effort. My child didn't even get an Xmas present from them

Ultimately they are just very immature, someone with emotional intelligence would have empathy and accept my suggestion with grace, and come to the lunch to see their grand child.

@winningeasy I guess they didn't want to see their grand child that much then, and simply just wanted somewhere to crash / be fed.

This. They just want to go somewhere where they will get the attention and have everyone’s lives spin around them. That way they can go back home and boast about it to everyone.Telling them to go to an Airbnb is an insult to their grandiosity and what will they tell their friends back at home? So Embarrassing. The grandchild is just a prop, they don’t really care about him because it’s all about them. Narcissists, you gotta love them ❤️💕