To send feedback to this church

[candlelightflora]

Just interested in people’s opinions on this.

I used to go to church with DD when she was younger, but stopped during covid. Then we moved to a new area, too far from the old church to go there anymore. I’ve wanted to start going to church again for a while and DD was keen to go as she has good memories of the old church. So I found a church nearby which has a “family service” once a month.

For context, we live in a town with a very well-regarded state secondary school which is selective on faith grounds. DD is only 7 so too young for us to be thinking about secondary applications yet.

Having now been to a “family service” at the church, I think they should re-name it to “service for people who want to get their kids into [insert name of well-regarded secondary faith school]”.

When I arrived, people were queuing to get their “passports” stamped. I said it was our first time at the church and rather than receiving a welcome, how are you, what has brought you here (as I was expecting) I got a brusque “how old is your daughter? Ok she doesn’t need one of these then”.

DD said she’d like to collect the stamps so I asked if we could have a “passport” anyway just for fun (it was literally a folded piece of paper) even though we’re not applying for secondary school yet and was unapologetically told that was not allowed.

The service itself had zero family focus in my opinion, it just seemed like a shortened version of a normal service. The hymns were really quiet as nobody was really singing, I spotted a couple of adults on their phones, and I literally did not see one single adult there who didn’t have a child with them of late primary age (i.e. applying for secondary schools in the next couple of years). Our old church had a really interactive sermon aimed at kids, lots of opportunities to join in, colouring and toys for the younger ones but there was nothing like that.

DD left saying she thought it was really boring and doesn’t want to go again. I left feeling really annoyed that we’d been made to feel so unwelcome.

Is there any point in me diplomatically feeding this back to the church? Or should I just move on and try a different church. I guess it could be that they just don’t care - they know they need to provide a service for those applying to the secondary school and this meets that need. But the whole thing just felt so cynical and I’m annoyed that something billed as a “family service” wasn’t really that at all.

I would definitely send feedback.

Oh and my favourite bit was a lady at the end who pushed past us saying (at totally normal volume) she didn’t need to get her passport stamped as she did that at the start “not that that’s the only reason I’m here or anything haha”. I know that’s not really the church’s fault but just to give an idea of the general atmosphere!

Try a different church

Have they asked for feedback?

With regards to your DD wanting a passport for 'fun', you do realise that apart from the fact they cost money, the whole system could be abused like that?

Definitely try a different church.

What a mockery this makes of faith schools. I wonder why the church us doing it, what's the point, it didn't sound like it would encourage anyone into the church.

What would your feedback be about? The fact that it's mainly families going their to get their 'stamp' for school, or the fact that family service wasn't all that family oriented?
The church is probably horribly aware that that particular service is used by families as a means of getting their kids into the school - it's an issue churches up and down the country face if they have an associated church school with a good reputation. Not a whole lot they can do about it really, but who's to know what folk at the family services are taking in which might 'stick' at some point in the future.
As to the content / format of the family service, that might be soemthing you could raise, but i think if it were me I'd maybe wait until I'd decided I wanted to stay at that church before offering any suggestions about how they could improve things. Otherwise you'll get roped in to DO the thing.... and then you'll be stuck 😄

Perhaps it was unfortunate timing that when you arrived it was prime queuing time?
I would maybe visit again and see if you have the same experience?
did you meet the vicar/minister (perhaps at the door on the way out?)
I might consider some feedback but face to face if there is opportunity.
Perhaps mention (using whatever phrases you feel are best) that you were surprised/disappointed/confused/felt unwelcomed by the general atmosphere prior to and during the service.

FWIW I am a church going Christian and I tend to feel that all are welcome regardless of their belief or otherwise and that God will work out their intentions if He needs to and it’s none of my business. So if people are visiting in the hopes of getting a school place/wedding/child Baptist/free coffee/hour of peace or whatever then that’s between them and God.

This is Monty Pythonesque!

In our area it is the LEA who allocate school places and the faith schools set their criteria such as church attendance. So the church isn’t fully responsible for this imo

What the heck is the passport thing??? And it sounds a miserable unfriendly church. Definitely feed back, they might have a website or Fb page.

And do try other churches.

Haha no they haven’t asked for feedback. To be honest they probably don’t care very much what I think, they didn’t give the impression that they would 😂

I suppose in theory the passport system could be abused but it had the child’s name on it. Although I guess I could give a fake name and sell it on or something, but how incredibly sad if that’s what they assumed I was going to do with it! And they could at least have explained that politely.

As for costing money, it was literally a folded piece of A4 paper. It would have cost them a fraction of a penny.

That’s awful! I’m not religious, but the church being so obviously about “bums on seats” makes a mockery of the school entrance system and the purpose of the church.
Of course a seven-year old will want the stamps/stickers, and ao what if every child wants them? Great if all the kids want to go to church (from the vicars point of view!). Kind of what it’s for..?

Id be tempted to get in touch and ask if there’s a child-focussed service suited to a 7-year-old.

If people are queuing up and waiting for their stamps I can see why they’re not interested in adding to that just for “fun.”

This is the same for all faith schools where I live. The entire local church congregation consists of parents with kids of a certain age. Why would you expect anything else? This country is increasingly not religious, especially amongst younger people.

It suits the churches because they would be empty otherwise.

Except the church often owns the school building, sits on the board of the governors and generally has a lot of involvement in the running of the school. They are more intimately bound that you might think.

I recognise this but I just wasn’t expecting the whole thing to feel so cynical. Our old church was attached to a school as well but it didn’t only cater for people applying to the school, even though of course a lot of the parents attending did have an eye on that.

We go every week to the family service and attend the 10.30 service as it's the children's service.

What makes it different to the other services is that the children have the opportunity to go into the hall adjacent the church with the catechists and the service and readins are told in a simplified way that the kids will understand. The children can volunteer to do the readings and lead the prayers and then join the church again later ready for Communion. My kids (9 and 6) really enjoy going because they can understandand it. They also join in during hymns (but then their is a choir and everyone participates in hymns).

The priest doesnt sign or stamp anything every week. Every now and again he may say that attendance cards are available after mass for signing and should anyone wish to have any school paperwork signed, they usually have to see him during the week out of mass times.

I would definitely send feedback.

This sounds like our local church. To get into the attached primary school you need to prove you’re a regular church goer. Rather than take this on trust or get people to contribute to the community/ build relationships with the priest, they have this mad “weekly stamps” process where everyone has to queue at the end of the service to sign a piece of paper and get it stamped with the date. It’s terrible and transactional and doesn’t build any bond with the captive community!

I would send feedback - it sounds like whatever the actual reason for families being there they could be meeting their needs much better. However I’d also be looking for a more welcoming church !

Maybe the church has been forced into this setup and knows from experience that the attending families will melt away in March or whenever the school places are awarded. You could try another church not connected to the school or a different week of the month. I'd contact the vicar and say straight up we actually want to attend church long term, we've moved from X town, do you have any ongoing children's church activities?

YANBU but I'm sure the whole point of churches is to praise God. That's it.

I guess it depends whether you want your DD to go to that particular faith school in the future, even if not now?!

Try another church for sure. There is bound to be one that will welcome you and your daughter.

I bet this sort of thing never happens at the Latin Mass Society…