To be utterly sick of Sundays

[Allthegirlseverseen]

NC.

I’m struggling. Sorry it’s so long.

DH works shifts. He has either two or three days off whilst the children are at school. On those days he does one of the school runs and cooks dinner. He works every single Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, without fail. Bank Holidays etc don’t signify; he still has to work. He just worked Christmas and BDay and New Years Day for example. His shifts are 14 hours long.

This is fairly recent change; about 18 months ago after 10+ years of varying shift patterns.
I work Mon to Fri. Three days school hours and the other two days 8 hours.

I should be grateful we both have jobs. I am grateful. But I’m also sick to death of being married to someone I rarely see and I abhor Sundays.

We have no family nearby. We have friends that pay lip service to doing things on Sundays but, understandably, that this their family time.
I think I’m probably depressed, but I’m sick of the mornings and evenings he isn’t here and of the Sundays.

We have 2 primary aged DC. It’s a slog.
If I’m not working then I’m with the DC. DH gets home at 7/7.30 when he’s on shift. I find no time or motivation to socialise or exercise by the time I get an opportunity.

The Sundays are just a symptom of it all I suppose but I didn’t get married and have children knowing this would be the set up. Frankly had I known I wouldn’t have done it.

I should be cherishing all this time with them, but they are demanding and I’m tired of being the main source of entertainment every single Sunday.

I’ve tried to talk to DH about relocating to be nearer family. He refuses to entertain it on the basis he can’t easily find work elsewhere.

I’m incredibly lonely and pretty fed up and I’m doing a shitty job of parenting as a result.

YABU -( Give your head a wobble and pull you your bootstraps woman. )

YANBU

I am going to vote YABU. This was a very long winded way of saying you're feeling sorry for yourself at the moment. You're allowed to, but you make it sound like this is unique to you, but isn't it just parenting? You addressed it yourself already, but you should be utterly thankful that you and your partner are both in full time employment and you are in a comfortably-employed position to ponder about feelings like these. It sounds like you're doing really great, but you're being too hard on yourself for some reason. Relax.

It’s sounds really hard work @Allthegirlseverseen

I would not like that at all either. What does he do?

I can relate to hardly ever seeing your DH, OP. Mine has just started working away, I haven't seen him since Monday teatime and I won't see him until this Tuesday evening. Our young DC is too young to understand and keeps asking for "Dadda". It's hard and it's lonely. I also have no family nearby. I just wanted to send some empathy and solidarity.

It's not ideal but sorry, it doesn't sound terrible either. Primary school aged kids are a lot easier than looking after toddlers. Can't you just have an easy day on Sundays? Go to the cinema or just sit around and watch a film or do whatever you find easiest?
I'm not unsympathetic. I have a DH who is often away for work so sometimes I feel like a single parent. I do know what it's like. I struggled when they were toddlers (and DH worked abroad for 6 months!) but now they're older I find it easy. They often just do their own thing and don't need me at all! But I make sure we have quality time together even if I have to force them to play a board game with me.

Sorry, I've just seen that you said your children are demanding. Why don't you invite their friends over some Sundays? I always found it gave me a break if they had other children to amuse them.

Yanbu

Shift work is horrible

Affects your social life and it's hard at weekends especially if you work all week and get no downtime

That sounds really lonely and horrible, especially in winter. I’d hate it too

I get you OP. DH is a nurse and works shifts. Is never home on time. I took a job to work around him because I knew childcare would be a problem. So we work back to on opposite shifts and have done for almost 9 years. It’s hard work, certainly it’s been much easier since our DC have gotten older. I’m hanging on until I can work full time which will be when both are in secondary school.

I think you’ve had a bad day and I do feel your pain my dh works some weekends and I find it hard at times because I feel drained at times with the dc plus all the other jobs I need to do at weekends. life is much more enjoyable when he’s about to share the load . Saying that though if it wasn’t the shifts he did it could be another and there are benefits to his shifts he’s able to take care of dc in school holidays due to shifts so it’s swings and roundabouts.
its not always easy ti work mon - fri 9-5 a lot if people work shifts . Depending on the industry he’s in if he changed jobs that could be better or worse .
i think it’s about how you deal with it have a chilled movie day with the dc go to park . Perhaps you are depressed and if not are very unhappy you need to have a proper chat with dh.

Would you be able to have a little time for yourself on Saturday? It sounds as if he gets some down time but you don't, even just sitting in a cafe for a few hours will help. Then maybe get a sixth former to babysit one Friday a month so you go out together.

My dh works every other weekend without fail . On Sundays we will go for a long dog walk /park / swimming / do baking / visit an animal rescue place . It's so much easier in the Summer though .

I think the people saying to have a nice chilled day watching a film and at the park are missing that it’s every single week, it’s not something special or unusual for them, it’s just what their life is like.

Can they do a hobby on Sundays, like swimming lessons or something, to break it up a bit?

You don’t say what stage of primary school, but hopefully they’ll be old enough to entertain themselves some of the time soon, and Sundays in will be more relaxing. Or you could go for a run or something with them for exercise.

Or go somewhere different for a walk, if you’re able to drive to get there?

I have mine by myself whenever they are here as I’m a single parent but youngest is 8, nearly 9, so it’s getting a lot easier.

Definitely YANUB, sounds exhausting understandable to be a bit burnt out, you mentioned feeling depressed, have you seen a gp for depression? Also maybe give yourself permission not to be the source of entertainment on Sundays, let your DC watch films and play games with each other. It's not shitty parenting to self care and look after your mental health. Also can DH look for a job that is similar hours to yours?

If you can afford it throw money at it.

Find a hobby for them, park run, footy, swimming lessons.
Then if one's local a cheap and cheerful soft play, ask on any school whatsapps if anyone is around to join you for a coffee.

Home, easy dinner, and baths/showers for them.

I know it's not what you want, and I hate long days of nothing, but if your DH cant change his day then you need to get yourself out and about, just to break your day up.

It's a valid feeling.

I think lots of parents feel like this.

Many families I know either both work 9-5 and then are split over various children's activities at the weekend or one works 9-5 and the other evenings/ weekends to avoid childcare costs.

It's a symptom of needing 2 wages to live. Although the high earner families I know the non working parent picks up a lot of slack anyway because the high earner works very long hours and if it's international then they also work unsocial hours at times and/ or travel.

Could you perhaps look at local activities in your area for Sundays? Lots of leisure centres for example have bouncy castle sessions. You're much more likely to meet other parents who spend Sundays alone if you go to the same places other parents are going on Sundays!

Or perhaps find a club that yours can join on a Sunday that you can drop at and have some time alone?

I would hate it too OP ..... weekends are for family time IMO

This is fairly recent change; about 18 months ago after 10+ years of varying shift patterns.

Why did it change?

Is there the possibility of swapping his ‘core days’ so Sundays are not included? If not, why not?

What are his hours when he’s ‘on’? Can he do more of the morning routine stuff, for example?

How old are your DC?

I think this is pretty common but it's not working for you so something needs to change.

Can DH change his shift pattern or find a new job?

If not you're going to need to figure out how to make this more bearable, and remember that it's short term, your kids will grow and change.

What can you do with the dc that requires minimal effort from you? Swimming lessons are excellent, you just need to sit there with a coffee. Horse riding? Soft play? Anything where you can sit down whilst they go and do something physical. Then cinema or home movie or screen time in the afternoon. You don't need to be a perfect parent.

Ours got into football at primary school. That took up many hours over many Sundays over many years. We become great friends with the other parents and the matches were quite a social event in the end.
Football is an example but group hobbies could certainly be the way to go.

Shift work is awful, and I do sympathise, but does this mean you get every Saturday together? My DP is a nurse and I'd appreciate knowing we had at least one day off a week together. I worked Christmas, he worked New Year (nightshift) and he's been at work all weekend. I'd love one day off a week together.

I work shifts and often work weekends.
Could you make Saturdays a real focus for your family - maybe even start from Friday evening and work with the days you do have together?
Also you could plan ahead for school holidays and try to make the most of the 4 days in a row that your husband has off duty?
plus he will be able to book the occasional Sunday off as annual leave?

The points about Sundays as AL sometimes is a good one.

Can he do both school runs on at least one of his days off? Does he pick up some other jobs/deal with the kids all evening so you could have an evening a week to yourself to decompress?

It is probably feeling unbearable at the moment because of the consistently shit weather which has afflicted every weekend for the last month with rain, mud, wind, damp, and general shittiness. Even if your DH were at home Sundays would be rubbish if you stay indoors with two children bouncing off the walls.

My solution is to always plan something. Swimming, lunch with friends, cinema, walk (if weather permits), museum, bowling, ice skating...it doesn't matter what. You get out for a few hours and do stuff, ideally with other people, but if they are all sick or unavailable then you and your kids go anyway. And on Saturday you get some time to yourself, even if just to relax.