To be utterly sick of Sundays

[Allthegirlseverseen]

NC.

I’m struggling. Sorry it’s so long.

DH works shifts. He has either two or three days off whilst the children are at school. On those days he does one of the school runs and cooks dinner. He works every single Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, without fail. Bank Holidays etc don’t signify; he still has to work. He just worked Christmas and BDay and New Years Day for example. His shifts are 14 hours long.

This is fairly recent change; about 18 months ago after 10+ years of varying shift patterns.
I work Mon to Fri. Three days school hours and the other two days 8 hours.

I should be grateful we both have jobs. I am grateful. But I’m also sick to death of being married to someone I rarely see and I abhor Sundays.

We have no family nearby. We have friends that pay lip service to doing things on Sundays but, understandably, that this their family time.
I think I’m probably depressed, but I’m sick of the mornings and evenings he isn’t here and of the Sundays.

We have 2 primary aged DC. It’s a slog.
If I’m not working then I’m with the DC. DH gets home at 7/7.30 when he’s on shift. I find no time or motivation to socialise or exercise by the time I get an opportunity.

The Sundays are just a symptom of it all I suppose but I didn’t get married and have children knowing this would be the set up. Frankly had I known I wouldn’t have done it.

I should be cherishing all this time with them, but they are demanding and I’m tired of being the main source of entertainment every single Sunday.

I’ve tried to talk to DH about relocating to be nearer family. He refuses to entertain it on the basis he can’t easily find work elsewhere.

I’m incredibly lonely and pretty fed up and I’m doing a shitty job of parenting as a result.

YABU -( Give your head a wobble and pull you your bootstraps woman. )

YANBU

Dh does shifts and it's awful. People don't realise the strain it puts on everything, you have my sympathy.

It does get a bit easier as the children get older as you can be more flexible, I remember how hard it used to be (lonely too)

Is it really the Sundays/shift work or are you just in an unhappy marriage?

Shift work is a reality for lots of families. Also, why is the onus on your DH to fix the problem and not you? Did you ever think he gets lonely on the days you work and he’s at home?

Re-frame your situation. You’re far away from family and isolated so reach out. Be a do-er, a joiner. Lots of activities, groups and clubs meet on Sundays. Lots of time to re-centre, have me time, read books, have baths… You’re only a prisoner of your situation if you allow yourself to be!

I was going to say this too.
Let your family be part of your local Church Community. Activities for them and a new community for you.

Presumably too the benefit of shifts is you don’t have to worry about childcare or taking annual leave for those 2 days in the school holidays, which will be a massive help.

I'm a bit like this too - dh is always working on our building site if he's not at his actual business.

But I just keep busy and have downtime too!

Today for example, dd had a friend for a sleepover so by the time we all got up it was 10.30

I took them to a craft cafe thing at 12 and left them to it

Ds and I went to the horses and then moved the sheep. Picked up dd, home and they played board games for a couple hours while I cleaned.

Then the Dc took the dogs out while I changed the beds. After that we all chilled on phones/Xbox/tv for the rest of the afternoon.

I prepped steak pie for tomorrows tea and made the kids some pasta.

Dh came home and we had dinner and watched tv til bedtime.

It was a really nice day - everyone got to do their thing, had some outside time and I got all my house stuff done ready for the week ahead.

Keep it simple would be my advice!

I think you can definitely start to leave them alone with a film, or increase expectations of how long they will sit quietly and chill. You can introduce Sunday chill time where you all read / colour etc in the same room but leaving each other alone.

DH is often not around. I usually take the approach of morning walk / bike ride, taking a coffee with me. Then home for lunch and a relaxed afternoon of screen time, reading, bubbly baths etc.

Obviously the above is punctuated by as many play dates / parties / paid activities as I can manage, but on days with no plans that's my go - to. Also often do simple baking and then eat the goodies and it's good to have stuff for packed lunches

Is dropping hours or buying leave an option so you could have a few hours with husband in week eg lunch or a bit of time to self.
You always are at work or with children. He has a chunk of child free time in day except school hols. It needs rebalancing.

This was us and I hated it. Dh has changed jobs. Yanbu. You're basically working constantly and he gets days off jn the week.

Yeah, that’s fair 🙄

Why is it assumed that DH is living the highlife on his days off and the OP is a slave? OP is responsible for her own happiness and taking ownership of her life/situation.

I am a single parent and when I moved to where I live now, 10 years ago, I felt exactly the same. Weekends were torture as it really hammered home just how lonely I was. I’d just been through a mega shit time and my mental health was all over the place.

I was really broke but one thing my kids LOVED doing on Sundays was getting on a mystery train. We’d go to the station, find out where the next train was going and get on it. We’d go and explore a random town or city (you don’t have to go far!), and the change of scenery was really good for all of us. Didn’t have to spend much money, we’d get an ice cream, go to a park they’d never been to, walk along a canal and look at boats etc. They bloody loved it, just getting on a train was the best thing ever to them.

Or if you can befriend any single parents with kids similar ages I’m sure they would love someone to chat to and hang out with. I know I would have when my kids were small.

I hear you. It's normal to feel like this sometimes. Life with small kids and the relentlessness of shift work etc is hard But the way out is to change things and make a plan.

Could you work less days but longer hours in the week? Get some wrap around but then have even a morning in the week where the kids are in school and DH and you have a bit of time together for a walk, catch up, chat?

Can you really focus on Saturdays as family days to give you what you're feeling is missing? A different adventure each week with a walk somewhere new, picnic, museum, activity together?

I would have a real plan for Sundays if they're the real sticking point.

Use your family Saturday to gear up for it if you can. Incorporate a visit to the library for new books to look at on the Sunday maybe, even prep the Sunday food if that's a heartsink thing.

Do you have something regular and free like Junior Parkrun close by? Get into the habit of having to be up, out and at something like that (early swim session - quieter, or family church if that's your thing - they'd welcome you even if it's not!)

Create a tradition of going to a cafe after, or into a charity shop to all choose a book, or into the supermarket to pick up ingredients for baking, or to make something different for lunch. Then head home prepared to get into whatever the thing is.

Invite people round for tea each week, get the kids to bake for them, or have play dates.

Or look into local attractions memberships or passes and agree as a family that you're all happy to have it as a joint gift to each other, and then go regularly - invite others who also have passes if it comes up.

Round us loads of kids activities and sports have training or sessions on a Sunday - switch something regular to then - swimming lessons, climbing, football, hockey, rugby etc. Something they can both do even better, then you can have a breather with a book and cup of tea.

Or make Sundays do some heavy lifting for the rest of the week. Make it your boring day - take the kids food shopping (or plan click and collect), do the cleaning - give the kids simple tasks and move through the house together (or set them up with the TV and/or independent play, change the beds, sorry clothes, do school reading books and other home learning, take the car to the car wash, do a tip run (dh can help prep on the sat), clean out the pets, batch cook and bake ready for an easier week. Might feel like drudge but also a favour to your mid week self?

Make a tradition of Sunday evenings - bubble bath, hair wash, nails etc for kids, sitting room floor picnic in front of the TV, or popcorn with a film, or kitchen disco, or make your own pizza (cheat and use wraps)

You can make this better, it can be less bad. So hard to make changes when you're down and tired but enlist help and strength where you can.

Totally fair enough not wanting to live like that OP. You've tried it and it isn't working for you, time for you and DH to have a rethink about jobs/shifts/location etc.

This is the best suggestion I think. Maybe if you had a set activity you attended every Sunday that would feel more proactive and less like staying home and missing your DH.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. I married my husband because I enjoy spending time with him. I don't think you are unreasonable at all to want some family time!

Hugs OP. You're doing well and so is your DH. I hope you find a solution that works for your family.

Tbh OP I wouldn’t think that moving closer to family would necessarily help your situation. So many people do that then the expected help and support doesn’t materialise and you end up feeling bewildered and resentful. Your options would appear to be to try and get your DH to change his shifts or get a different job with more family friendly shifts, and if this isn’t possible follow some of the excellent advice people have given here to make the most of your Sundays. DH’s company sent him on a job meaning he was away Sunday evening to Friday night every week when our third child was two weeks old so I feel your pain!

He needs to be taking the kids out every Saturday morning so that you can have some time to yourself.

@Allthegirlseverseen it is tough! So he's only off during the weekdays?
I'm the one on shift (12hr x4 days) and DH is 9-5:30 WFH. We have three kids aged 18m, 7 and 9 and no family around.

I started shift work when my then two kids were 4 and 18 months, stopped 2 years later and was put back on shift due to Covid to 'help' with my lack of childcare (thanks manager). My shifts are 2x days, 2x nights and 3.5 days off.

On my days off I batch cook and freeze where possible, grocery shop, dr and dentist appointments and home admin. I do school drop offs and pick ups. Anything to make life easier when I'm not home.
We had a cleaner until recently, had to let her go after Christmas as I wasn't happy with her work (posted about it). So on the lookout for a new one.

On my 2 days DH drops both kids at school (they have homework club for an hr after school) and baby at childminder and collects them as I'm out by 6:15am and not home until 7:30pm.
Before my first night I do school drop off and collection (keep baby with me). Take them swimming on Friday afternoons (there is a clash with my day shift every 6 weeks).

After my first night baby goes to childminder, I sleep and DH collects kids from school. I collect baby later, feed her and play for an hour and leave for work.

My shift pattern moves forward one day each week so I get approximately every 4 weekends in a row off and I never work overtime.

I understand it is tough so I'm trying to hopefully stop working nights soon, depending on changes that will happen in the next 6-8 months at work.

I take the kids out to give him a break and I organise days out etc. I've booked a two night away for him in nice hotel.

Our older kids do swimming, taekwondo, soccer, rugby at the moment. Weekends are hectic if I'm working as they both have rugby training Saturday mornings and sometimes matches at two different venues. We look at the calendar and plan ahead and for evening activities carpool with other parents especially when I'm working nights.

Can you plan to go out if he's working at weekends? Bike rides, parks, play dates, town centre. It is tough he's away all weekend. How long will this last for? The weather doesn't make it any easier. Hugs 🫂

Could you change the swimming to a Sunday so that frees up an evening when dh is home?

It’s a tricky one, I’ve been in this scenario (although with family close by) and it is draining.

It does get better/easier as they get older. Both mine play football on a Sunday now, and are of an age when they can entertain themselves at home, so Sundays have gone from a day I absolutely hated, to one that’s actually enjoyable.

Shift work is hideous and just doesn’t fit in well with family life whatsoever so I totally sympathise. I know this sort of thing has caused a divorce with someone close to me and I totally understood why. Yes, it’s great he is working but it seems to be at the expense of his family. If he can find a different job with better hours then he should aim for this.

I don’t blame you for disliking Sunday’s. I’m incredibly fortunate to have a DH who works weekdays and is off every bank holiday and for a week over Christmas so we have lots of family time and it’s absolutely vital. You sound like passing ships.

Messy church is a godsend (if you pardon the pun, if it is a pun). In my experience you'll be made welcome regardless of whether your a regular church goer. Usually once a month.

It will get easier as they get older.

We did a family martial arts class for a while. Fun for the kids and a stress busting work out for adults. Instructors took charge of keeping the kids in order and asked parents not to.

The golden one was a two and a half hour drama class on Saturday mornings. Kept me sane for a few years while DH did 3 weekends out of 5. You have more enthusiasm for parenting when you've had a break from it.