To be utterly sick of Sundays

[Allthegirlseverseen]

NC.

I’m struggling. Sorry it’s so long.

DH works shifts. He has either two or three days off whilst the children are at school. On those days he does one of the school runs and cooks dinner. He works every single Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, without fail. Bank Holidays etc don’t signify; he still has to work. He just worked Christmas and BDay and New Years Day for example. His shifts are 14 hours long.

This is fairly recent change; about 18 months ago after 10+ years of varying shift patterns.
I work Mon to Fri. Three days school hours and the other two days 8 hours.

I should be grateful we both have jobs. I am grateful. But I’m also sick to death of being married to someone I rarely see and I abhor Sundays.

We have no family nearby. We have friends that pay lip service to doing things on Sundays but, understandably, that this their family time.
I think I’m probably depressed, but I’m sick of the mornings and evenings he isn’t here and of the Sundays.

We have 2 primary aged DC. It’s a slog.
If I’m not working then I’m with the DC. DH gets home at 7/7.30 when he’s on shift. I find no time or motivation to socialise or exercise by the time I get an opportunity.

The Sundays are just a symptom of it all I suppose but I didn’t get married and have children knowing this would be the set up. Frankly had I known I wouldn’t have done it.

I should be cherishing all this time with them, but they are demanding and I’m tired of being the main source of entertainment every single Sunday.

I’ve tried to talk to DH about relocating to be nearer family. He refuses to entertain it on the basis he can’t easily find work elsewhere.

I’m incredibly lonely and pretty fed up and I’m doing a shitty job of parenting as a result.

YABU -( Give your head a wobble and pull you your bootstraps woman. )

YANBU

I remember DH doing shifts once...I absolutely hated it.

Thankfully that was a long time ago and he still works from home...

Is there a way for you to cut back at work? You’re exhausted. You’re doing work on the job and you’re working at home caring for the children and house but there’s no ‘payoff’ (no leisure time with either dh or dc or for yourself).

I think you have a major imbalance of free time, presumably your partner has his days off when the kids are at school so gets time to himself on this day? Can he give you a child free Saturday to balance things? I appreciate this doesn't leave much time to spend all together as a family but might help you a bit?

DH works 14hr shifts and has done since before we had DC (eldest is 15). He also goes away a lot, including deploying for 6 months when the DC were both in primary (he's not in the military so it was a one off).

It gets easier but you have to be honest and prioritise your needs as well. I have to have the time to exercise, read, write, see friends etc which is easier now the DC are double figures. I changed jobs a year ago to make it even easier.

This!!!

I think you're justified in feeling lonely and a bit crap about it. I think you need to carve out some free time for yourself on another day of the week and also find something you and the kids will enjoy on Sundays. If you change your minset abd don't see Sundays as 'family day' but see it as 'me and the kids' day, you'll start to feel better about it. I learned a long time ago (before kids) to stop waiting around for DH to do anything with me and just did my own thing regardless - and I'm much happier.

Sundays are shit. In my case, they're full of bloody chores as I work full-time.

I'm in exactly the same position OP. DH works at least one weekend day every weekend, and like you gets his leisure day in the week when everyone is at school/nursery and nursery and I'm working. So he gets actual rest and I get absolutely none. He also works shifts so I can never actually do anything socially either unless it's his off day.
All I ever do it work, sleep and look after kids. It's draining and frankly fucking boring. But I'm self employed and lost a major client in the last year so I can hardly moan as he's covering all the bills including the insane cost of nursery so I can try to work.
I've got a bit better at actively making plans to be out of the house, see friends etc on the evenings he's off but obviously that's at the expense of us ever spending any time together whatsoever.
Anyway I don't have any solutions OP but YANBU For finding it infuriating and loathing Sundays

Im not sure what you want him to do? 3 shifts of 14 hours back to back sounds hard. He is working 42 hours a week. Does he get enhanced pay for the Sunday? Could YOU change jobs or your working hours to give you a day off in the week? Im not saying its not hard or not reasonable to wish for more family time but it doesn't sound like he is doing wrong here its just the way it is.

Shift work is horrible for family life. DH used to work shifts and had one weekend off in 5. It was awful! I have nothing to help you with it but YANBU and I feel for you, I know how crap it is.

He needs to take the brunt of childcare on Saturdays if he is getting time to himself in the week. You could still do things together as a family but he needs to take the lead on childcare and ensure that you can take time to go to the gym/for a walk/hairdressers/whatever when you need to so you have some alone time. You will then feel more rejuvenated for Sundays.

I fully get it, DH works ridiculous shifts.
Agree with the pp who said you just have to make it you and the kids time. But also the kids need to help pitch in with the jobs.

It's truly shit when your days "off" are with the kids and your partner gets solo time.

You have my sympathy Op. I have two kids who are 7 and nearly 4, DH works away and works most weekends. I hate Sundays in the winter with nothing to do and because it’s every Sunday you’ve done every soft play and park so many times you’d need to drive for hours to find a new one.

The eldest has just started an activity on a Sunday and today we had a birthday party so it’s not been too bad. But it’s still epically shit to spend weekends alone with just the kids.

I sympathise. I only have one at home and she is a teen (but ND and needs a lot of input) and DH works every weekend. As you've said, he gets his days off in the week all to himself but I get 5 days of work and then 2 days full on with DD.

Activities are the way to go. Mine has always had at least 2 active classes over the weekend so that there is somewhere to go, even before she started school. It's not so bad in the summer because we can go out to zoos or stately homes but these horrible dark days when it's pouring with rain aren't fun. Mine won't sit through a film at home either, so for us that isn't an option.

If your local cinema does kids am or whatever they call it that can be a relatively cheap way to kill a morning.

Thanks so much for all your kind and considered responses. It’s made me well up a bit to hear some similar stories!

DD is 4 and DS is 7. They are gradually getting more independent but still quite young to be left just to watch a film alone I think (although happy to be told I’m wrong there!).

DH works in a job role that requires 24 hour physical presence. The role was split between 3 but 18 months ago due to cost cutting they split the role between DH and one other, then filled the gaps with agency staff. I’m not sure why the shift pattern is how it is, but I should be thankful he isn’t on nights anymore I suppose, which he was before this shift pattern started.

Thank you for all the ideas. His shift pattern is not going to change so my attitude has to. DH does get more down time than me, but really does pull his weight around the house and with dealing with the children. What I miss is family time and, actually, time with DH.

The DC already do swimming in the week. We can’t quite stretch to horse riding lessons but I am going to try and plan an activity for each Sunday, even if it’s just a trip to the local park with a cricket bat and ball or the scooters.

Thank you for just giving me space to vent 💐

So he gets child free time on his days off during the week (why doesn’t he do all the school runs on those days, by the way?), but you don’t get child free time in the Saturdays when both you and DH are off? Sounds unfair to me. I’m guessing he doesn’t get on with housework etc on his days off as well, but you’re expected to do that at the weekend.

Could you get the children into lessons/ an activity on Saturdays and have DH be responsible for taking them there, maybe out for lunch afterwards, so you have a break on Saturday mornings?

How far away are family op? Could you and the kids - even just one Sunday a month - travel and stay with them Saturday night / Sunday day? Just to break the tedium.

I was just going to suggest swimming but seen that they do that in the week, is it lessons in the week? If so, every other Sunday as a fun swim with you 3 and a hot chocolate after is a cheap way to drag the day out, also the kids get tired from swimming so you could do an afternoon swim to take you through to dinner time.

Once a month cinema, soft play, trampoline park as a treat, that leaves one Sunday to chill out, bake etc. I can empathise with you though as weekends can be hard without any family to pop round to. Also 4 & 7 still young do still need quite a bit of supervision.

Sorry to hear you're struggling. We have some great churches in our area, with lots of children's groups on a Sunday (and some midweek too), family friendly etc. Maybe you could check out what's happening in your local churches too? (A lot have services on YouTube etc. from pandemic times still if you want to see what they're like before going in person too.)

DH is police so on a 6 week rota of middles, lates, earlies and nights. 10-12 hour shifts.

Works out that he works 4 weekends out of 6 and it's hard. Even an early shift doesnt have him home till 9pm.

When mine were primary age I found sundays hard because of getting everything ready for school, them all bathed etc on my own. But, I voted YABU because the time really is what you make of it.

Lamenting the difficulties wont change anything, so change how you approach it.

It sucks.

I take ours to sports activity on Sunday morning. Keeps them busy until lunchtime then they are a bit tired so afternoon of board games or movie

Cinema have Sunday morning movie clubs.

It does sound hard work OP, as you work full time. My kids are 7 and 5 and it definitely can be still full on, and it’s pretty lonely when you’re just by yourself with them.

I think you just need to make sure you have a balance between child free leisure time, family time and housework, and your balance won’t necessarily be the same as other families. Presumably twice a week DH has a peaceful house, but the kids finish school at 3pm and then spend time with him after school.

You need to have your me time on a Saturday. DH needs to do house stuff (which you’ve said he does) on at least one of his days off and take some me time the other day.

kids will get older and more independent, and also you’ll get used to your new routine

Plus sports activity has other parents and has led to lunches with other parents or afetrnpons out

I hear you. DH works shifts that don’t recognise weekends or bank holidays. Although it wasn’t every weekend he would end up working most (usually one off every 6 weeks) and almost every bank hol too (no extra pay).

He has managed to get a flexible
working request approved recently so he gets Saturdays off which has helped as we can at least plan family days and events that fall on Saturdays. But I have a lot of Sundays on my own with DD and hate it when there are things on and I have to go alone.

No local family but I usually manage to entertain us but it’s much easier with only 1 DC. We go to the pub for Sunday lunch a lot and bake.
I work Tues-Fri so Mondays are always DD and me anyway as she isn’t quite at school
yet. I don’t mind it when everyone else is working but I don’t like the bank hols when there’s families out together everywhere.

But there’s worse things, I have friends in emergency services and they have it much harder than me. DH is also WFH (although in an office at the far end of the garden) so he is here for dire emergencies and when he finishes he is already home. We don’t see him during his shift though unless he ventures in for a wee. It’s very focused work and he needs silence for it.

In our case it is not forever, he hopes to get a different role eventually in same company which is Mon-Fri 9-6. But it will likely be another 5 years+

You are allowed to hate it @Allthegirlseverseen

4 is still very little. I think when you said “primary aged” some people probably imagine 7 and 10 or something similar - hence those responses that were less sympathetic. You obviously can’t relax much with a 4 yo around!

Single parent here and yes, weekends suck when you feel everyone else is doing their own thing.

Getting kids out early helps - even if it's just a quick walk to park it stops cabin fever and feeling depressed if you get out early without really thinking about it. Borrow a dog for walks, if you don't have one.

Can you find time to invite your kids friends' over for Sunday playdates at yours? These tend to be reciprocated quite quickly. Also helps if you like the parents enough to invite them in for a coffee.

And keep an eye out for any single parents in your local area - eg at school etc - they will likely be similarly keen for someone to hang out with them/their children.

Maybe try to instill a fun element to look forward to - eg every Sunday kids turns picking a film and the three of you snuggle up on sofa for early movie circa 4pm. Boring but at least you can nap/check your phone ;-)