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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for being annoyed that we are paying for nursery we won't use?

67 replies

stressedoutparent · 08/01/2023 00:44

DH says that he has booked Tuesdays in a nursery but our DD is due to go to my mothers house every Tuesday so we don't need DD to go to nursery on those days. He told me he was going to do it before; I disagreed and we were at a stalemate, so he booked it as nursery we're pushing us to tell us which days we wanted.

DH says that relying on a single person for childcare is too risky... but we have so many backups if my mothers ill or my car breaks down. eg my father can look after DD or my mother can come to our house to look after DD. Or in can take holiday.

My mother lives 30mins drive away from our house so it was never a short journey but I was going to do it every Tuesday.

It now feels like it will be incredibly frustrating driving 30mins each Tuesday to drop off DD to my mothers, because the nursery is just round the corner. Nursery will also provide food and will not need me to bring the pram but for my mother, I would have to do both. However I will still end up going to my mothers to drop off DD every Tuesday because my mother was looking forward to the time with DD.

I've said we should cancel this day at the nursery at the earliest opportunity but DH is refusing. He says that we can't mess about the nursery as we already mess around them by deciding on which days we wanted so late.

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at DH?

OP posts:
Crumpledstilstkin · 08/01/2023 00:46

Is your mother actually reliable? Because I think the message he's sending is that he doesn't think she's reliable enough to stake his job on it.

Mrstwiddle · 08/01/2023 00:46

I’d continue with your plan, he’s basically just ignored your wishes, is he always so high handed? That would infuriate me.

Original poster
stressedoutparent · 08/01/2023 00:50

Crumpledstilstkin · 08/01/2023 00:46

Is your mother actually reliable? Because I think the message he's sending is that he doesn't think she's reliable enough to stake his job on it.

Yes extremely.

Interesting thanks

OP posts:
Testina · 08/01/2023 02:39

“It now feels like it will be incredibly frustrating driving 30mins each Tuesday to drop off DD to my mothers, because the nursery is just round the corner. Nursery will also provide food and will not need me to bring the pram but for my mother, I would have to do both. However I will still end up going to my mothers to drop off DD every Tuesday because my mother was looking forward to the time with DD.”

This is just weird!

I was reading your post expecting to agree with you saying, “what a waste of money!” but actually your main complaint seems to be having to do exactly what you’d decided you were happy to do anyway.

Testina · 08/01/2023 02:41

I reckon your husband just preempted you getting fed up with the 30 minute drive every Tuesday, having to load up the pram and bring food!

Why can’t your mum just feed your child anyway?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 08/01/2023 02:41

He wants dc in nursery and not with your mother, he should get as much say as you in his childs care.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/01/2023 02:44

Are you prepared to be the one dropping and collecting DD every time, and taking the day off every time DD can't go there?
Also why do you need to provide food? Surely your DM will give her food.

NuffSaidSam · 08/01/2023 02:48

I'd leave it as it is for now and see how it goes.

Perhaps your DH is a Mumsnetter and has read the 1000 threads about the problems with Grandparents providing childcare.

If it goes well you can give DH a 'told you so' and cancel the nursery place. If it doesn't go well, you have a nursery place to fall back on.

Confusion101 · 08/01/2023 03:32

Mrstwiddle · 08/01/2023 00:46

I’d continue with your plan, he’s basically just ignored your wishes, is he always so high handed? That would infuriate me.

😂😂😂 So she ignoring his wishes is fine?

Agree with PP, suggest to DH as a compromise you are willing to trial it this way for whatever many weeks and see how you get on with the extra 30 min journey and extra prep, etc. He has to be willing to compromise too and agree if it is working you can cancel the day.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 08/01/2023 03:55

So the obvious question is can’t your mother have you DC on a day other than Tuesday? It would appear that would be the solution to make everyone happy.

this way presumably…

  • If DC is sick and can’t go to nursery DM is a an able backup
  • You/DH have a free day on the day DC is with DM to do stuff that’s easier without baby.
  • ‘If DM turns out be unavailable for whatever reason, you won’t have to take time off to care for DC.
NumberTheory · 08/01/2023 04:41

I think the idea it’s a message that DH doesn’t trust your DM - either in terms of being reliable or he’s not really keen on her looking after your DC by herself so much - is interesting and worth considering.

I know with my DH, despite being a high flying executive, i’s just utterly shit at planning things out well and he’d be likely to do something like this because he didn’t think it through. I would expect him to back down once I’d explained it, but when our kids were little the lack of sleep for the first year or two did make both of us less than perfect at being gracious/correcting mistakes/apologising.

NumberTheory · 08/01/2023 04:45

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/01/2023 02:44

Are you prepared to be the one dropping and collecting DD every time, and taking the day off every time DD can't go there?
Also why do you need to provide food? Surely your DM will give her food.

I get the reasoning with this question, but the equivalent for her DH if they keep nursery would be is he prepared to pay for it from his personal spending money?

Bunnycat101 · 08/01/2023 06:48

Can you afford it? Having the backup in case arrangements don’t work out might be sensible. Nursery places near me are like hens teeth at the moment. Very little availability until September 2024 and as such limited chance to amend days even for those with a place. If money isn’t extremely tight he may have been quite sensible as presumably you can give notice to get rid of the place but you may find if you wanted it later you wouldn’t be able to get it.

Haus1234 · 08/01/2023 06:53

What is the plan on the other days? Do you have enough money that paying an extra day of nursery for no reason isn’t a big deal (as none of your complaints seem to be financial)? If so, it’s not really a big deal, but it does seem that your DH doesn’t trust your DM to deliver - does he perhaps have a point?

Whatmarbles · 08/01/2023 06:55

I'm with your dh.

I would sion get fed up if that journey before work.
Also do you really want baby falling asleep on the way home? It'll be quite late for a long nap and nay well disrupt bed time.

Holly60 · 08/01/2023 07:02

So you are doing this primarily for your mum but she won't come and pick your daughter up or provide food for her on that day?

Sounds like your DH has the right idea

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 07:05

Sounds like he's concerned about relying on your mum. Could you try with your mum for a month and cancel the nursery if it works out? How long until your child actually starts nursery?

Robostripes · 08/01/2023 07:49

Honestly as someone whose DM looked after my DS one day a week before he went to school, there were sometimes issues. My DM is very reliable but obviously she occasionally went on holiday or was ill. She always gave me plenty of notice of holidays so I would try to book annual leave for those days, but if she was ill I would have to try and get DS into nursery for an extra day and they couldn’t always fit him in. And we were charged an inflated rate for ad hoc additional days whereas actually the cost of him going 5 days a week was only a tiny amount more than him going 4 days a week. If the cost isn’t significant I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to have nursery there as a back up.

CreepyDibillo · 08/01/2023 07:57

Is your DM's house on your way to work? If not, that is going to create an awful lot of stress in the morning before long. Mornings with kids, especially young kids, can be extremely stressful when you have time pressures. Perhaps your DH can see that and is making sure there's a back up plan.

fajitaaaa · 08/01/2023 08:01

Robostripes · 08/01/2023 07:49

Honestly as someone whose DM looked after my DS one day a week before he went to school, there were sometimes issues. My DM is very reliable but obviously she occasionally went on holiday or was ill. She always gave me plenty of notice of holidays so I would try to book annual leave for those days, but if she was ill I would have to try and get DS into nursery for an extra day and they couldn’t always fit him in. And we were charged an inflated rate for ad hoc additional days whereas actually the cost of him going 5 days a week was only a tiny amount more than him going 4 days a week. If the cost isn’t significant I don’t think it’s a terrible idea to have nursery there as a back up.

I'd check nursery are happy with paying for a day but not going in. While it sounds ideal for them, they might have other parents wanting that extra day that might look elsewhere if they can't get it

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/01/2023 08:02

I agree with your husband. Why can't your mum feed your child herself or pick her up? And would you be content to always do the drive to and from your mums to pick up your DD?

Beautiful3 · 08/01/2023 08:02

Honestly I'd stuck to nursery. Save your mum for emergencies, like when the babys too sick for nursery.

Mooshroo · 08/01/2023 08:13

My Mum looks after the baby one day a week, nursery would be easier but it’s a nice opportunity for them to spend time together. We got her her own pram on Facebook Marketplace, much easier than loading the main one up all the time!

Blip · 08/01/2023 08:15

I bought my mum her own pram and car seat which did make life a lot easier.

FeinCuroxiVooz · 08/01/2023 08:16

I can see why you are annoyed but let it be for 8 weeks whilst you see how the overall plan beds in. if after all the novelty has worn off and any resolveable initial niggles are sorted, it all settles into a happy routine where no one is frustrated then you can make the changes with Nursery. but if the plan isn't working then its easy to change things.
.
In the first few months of nursery you will be paying for enormous amounts of unused childcare anyway, as your child will get every bug going as their immune system gets used to the endemic germs in the new community, but that will settle eventually.