AIBU for being annoyed that we are paying for nursery we won't use?

[stressedoutparent]

DH says that he has booked Tuesdays in a nursery but our DD is due to go to my mothers house every Tuesday so we don't need DD to go to nursery on those days. He told me he was going to do it before; I disagreed and we were at a stalemate, so he booked it as nursery we're pushing us to tell us which days we wanted.

DH says that relying on a single person for childcare is too risky... but we have so many backups if my mothers ill or my car breaks down. eg my father can look after DD or my mother can come to our house to look after DD. Or in can take holiday.

My mother lives 30mins drive away from our house so it was never a short journey but I was going to do it every Tuesday.

It now feels like it will be incredibly frustrating driving 30mins each Tuesday to drop off DD to my mothers, because the nursery is just round the corner. Nursery will also provide food and will not need me to bring the pram but for my mother, I would have to do both. However I will still end up going to my mothers to drop off DD every Tuesday because my mother was looking forward to the time with DD.

I've said we should cancel this day at the nursery at the earliest opportunity but DH is refusing. He says that we can't mess about the nursery as we already mess around them by deciding on which days we wanted so late.

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at DH?

Why can’t your mum change her day?

I can't believe people expect the OPs mum to drive 30 minutes each way to provide free childcare.

If I could afford to send my kids to nursery for an extra day a week rather than them go to my mums I would. It's a 20 minutes drive to my mum's in the wrong direction to my work so it's a pain and means leaving home at 6am when the kids are still in their pjs. Plus it means getting home late.

My mum loves them and looks after them well but I would much rather her have them one weekend a month instead to give me a break.

I agree with those who’ve said that your DH would clearly prefer your DD to go to nursery rather than your mother.

Even your description shows that it’s a pain in the arse taking her to your mum’s. But you don’t want to disappoint your mother by not giving her the time with your DD - even though your mother won’t feed her.

There are better ways to give your mum time with her granddaughter that don’t make your childcare unnecessarily hard work.

And i agree with the PP who said buy mum a pram

The issue here is that you and your husband aren't communicating properly with each other. I can't get my head around a couple nothing making separate arrangements for childcare without discussing and agreeing it with each other first.

Even if it's just about the days, your husband should have discussed with you before signing up to Tuesdays at nursery, and you should have discussed with him before arranging for your mother to provide childcare on Tuesdays.

But it might be more than that, i.e. a fundamental disagreement between you and your husband about which mode of childcare is best for your child. This is something you need to sit down and discuss together like adults.

You are both being unreasonable.

The opinions of people on Mumsnet are irrelevant.

why won’t your mother provide food? Sounds like nursery is the much better option (the child falling asleep in the car on the way back will be a nightmare) and the only reason you’re pursuing the mother route is you don’t want to feel bad. That’s not really relevant to making the best practical choice though.

Erm.. why bother your poor mum if you can afford a nursery that's on the doorstep?

Why drive your child 30 mins each way when there's a nursery on the doorstep?

Utter Madness.

Sounds like you and DH have some big communication problems. I can’t imagine how you get the point of one arranging family care whilst the other signs up to nursery on the same day.

As for what you do on Tuesdays, if you can afford nursery then I think it’s mad to do a long drive and having to take your own food. What a hassle and you really risk danger naps ruining bedtime on the way home. Plus it’s inevitable your mum will occasionally get ill, and she’ll probably want to go on holiday sometimes and that leaves you or DH having to take time off work. Nursery is far more reliable and will become part of DC’s regular routine. Plus no chance of it leading to tensions with your mum down the line (so many threads on here, maybe your DH has read some!). Better to leave your mum for emergencies, weekend date nights etc.

I think it's nice to be with your mum for bonding, and maybe DH had good intentions having a back up, even though it seems quite dumb. Maybe he just doesn't want to lose face now and also realises it's dumb/unnecessary?

Are you working from your mums house on a Tuesday? Or are you then commuting another 30 minutes back, ie an hour in total?

I agree with your DH but you both need to communicate much better.

Can your mum change her day to a Monday? Only saying that as Bank holidays you will still have to pay for that day with no childcare.

Such a good point. I remember the days trying to keep baby awake in the back!

Thanks for all the replies, I have read every one.

DH and I could have communicated better about this. We are in a loving relationship and I think we have a lack of sleep recently to blame for the confusion.

Your replies have been really useful to give me some perspective that DH probably was making a call he thought was best for us all. And as I said in OP, we were being pressurised to make a decision quickly by the nursery so I was never annoyed he made a decision, just what decision he made.

I think I will talk to DH about considering this a 'trial' as someone suggested and ease my mother in by doing every other Tuesday instead.

Thank you Mumsnet!

You must have some pretty unsupportive parents to think this is unusual or strange. My parents live 45 mins away and have travelled to me for regular childcare for both my children for the last few years. They want the time in the children's own environment where its easier, they are fantastic because they're loving caring grandparents on nice final salary pensions with a paid up house and time to spare. It's weird the OP needs to bring a pram and food! Most grandparents I know would buy their own pram to use and would gladly feed their Grandchildren .

Will your dc be at nursery on other days?

Consistency is always better for babies.

When they get older a 'day with nanny' might be something fun and special to look forward to once a week, but as a baby I'd prefer as much consistency as possible.

I dont think anyone has mentioned this yet - some nursery's have clauses in their contracts about 'non attendance'. You're very likely to lose your place in nursery for wasting their time/staffing.

It's not just going to be a 30 minute journey though. By the time you have got baby out of her car seat and into the house, handed over her lunch and done general chit chat, it's adding 45 minutes to you day versus walking round the corner and dropping her off at nursery.

Petrol prices have come down recently but if they head back up to £2/L that's a lot of additional unnecessary spend.

As PP, keep grandparent childcare for evenings and weekends.

My parents used to do childcare for my two (then my sister's two, now my brother's two) but they would drive the 30 min journey to collect the kids so I could head off to work at my normal time. I'd then drive the 60 min journey to theirs from work to collect the kids at the end of the day. It worked for us (one day a week) and we all benefited from it.

Obviously we had to cover the times when my parents were on holiday (of which there were quite a few!) but between our AL and offers from MIL, we managed fine.

Alternate the weeks so one Tuesday mum, the next one nursery. Has benefit these can be swapped as you need. Sounds a great arrangement to me

What’s the childcare plan on the other days?

Why are Tuesdays the only day your mum can do?

It's odd that your mother wouldn't provide food for your child. And as a GM who only does occasional childcare, I bought a pushchair (and a travel cot and various other bits) from Facebook marketplace. My DD doesn't need to bring anything other than a change of clothes and some nappies when I have DGD

But yes, it's bizarre that your DH overruled you and you'll be spending a lot of money on a nursery day you don't need.

Honestly, from someone who has used my mum and as childcare (who was very reliable) and nursery, nursery is my preference. Mornings are stressful enough with DC without adding a 30 minute commute either way, they have a much better routine at nursery and you will regret it when your child falls asleep on the way home and doesn't go to sleep at bedtime. I would honestly use your mum to babysit at weekends to give you a break and you and your DH some time together. Your mum can still spend lots of time with your DC but honestly, them being in nursery will make your life a lot easier.

Your plan sounds bonkers to me OP.

Why on earth are you planning on having DD in the car for an hours' round trip once a week when you have a nursery place on your doorstep? Especially when her going to your mums' means you'll have to get up earlier, as well as pack a pram and food?

Just send her to nursery and use your mum as back-up instead. It'll save you so much time and stress.