AIBU for being annoyed that we are paying for nursery we won't use?

[stressedoutparent]

DH says that he has booked Tuesdays in a nursery but our DD is due to go to my mothers house every Tuesday so we don't need DD to go to nursery on those days. He told me he was going to do it before; I disagreed and we were at a stalemate, so he booked it as nursery we're pushing us to tell us which days we wanted.

DH says that relying on a single person for childcare is too risky... but we have so many backups if my mothers ill or my car breaks down. eg my father can look after DD or my mother can come to our house to look after DD. Or in can take holiday.

My mother lives 30mins drive away from our house so it was never a short journey but I was going to do it every Tuesday.

It now feels like it will be incredibly frustrating driving 30mins each Tuesday to drop off DD to my mothers, because the nursery is just round the corner. Nursery will also provide food and will not need me to bring the pram but for my mother, I would have to do both. However I will still end up going to my mothers to drop off DD every Tuesday because my mother was looking forward to the time with DD.

I've said we should cancel this day at the nursery at the earliest opportunity but DH is refusing. He says that we can't mess about the nursery as we already mess around them by deciding on which days we wanted so late.

Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed at DH?

Honestly the most sensible plan is to book the extra day at Nursery.

Taking your child to your mums every week sounds like a gigantic pain and will add so much unnecessary stress to your morning compared to dropping her at nursery. Why can't she feed her, collect her or pick up a cheap pushchair? Does she have a car seat, somewhere for baby to sleep at hers, toys etc or will you have to provide all that too?

Plus the extra time to your morning is bonkers it will be 45ish minutes to drop her off including had over etc and then more time to get to work and that's without traffic.

Honestly it's lovely she wants to spend time with her grandchild but the nursery sounds so much more practical.

So you're driving 2 hours a day so your dm can do childcare/bond with gdc?

Sounds bonkers to me

I love the way that people are now just advising that OP mess her mum around. There's a plan in place, but now she's to be dumped? Or it's assumed that she won't have anything on at the weekend so can have the DGC then instead?

It's not a case of dumping her mum or messing her around but practically it's a bloody bonkers idea in the first place when they can afford the extra day at Nursery.

It also seems very unfair on the poor child in the situation to be travelling so much and to have such a long day when it's not necessary.

I mean it's lovely that granny wants to spend the day with her grandchild but facilitating that idea seems to be making everyone else's life more stressful.

My DM has done one day a week for me since DD was 6 months old. It’s been very good on the whole and I think the complete 1:1 attention and love she has had from her on those days, and the bond they have now, has absolutely been worth the travelling (which has been a similar distance to your situation). My DD has gained and learned so much from having that time with her, that you just don’t get on the nursery days where they are part of a large group of children. I do use nursery as well and am not anti-nursery, but I think that family bonds and attachments are so important and if you have that opportunity for family 1:1 care then take it.

I provide a frozen portion of tea for my DD on the days she goes to my mums (from a batch cook. My mum does her lunch. I do it so that it maximises the time they can play / read together etc and my mum isn’t spending lots of time cooking.

i plan my annual leave around my mums hols. On the rare time she’s been ill, I thankfully have flexible work so can work around it, but I guess it depends on your boss.

Mum might want to do it

It's not about messing her mum around, it's about doing what's practical.

Why on earth would you add over an hour of travel to your day to get childcare when you have a nursery on your doorstep?

It makes no sense and you can guarantee OP will be sick of it after a couple of weeks of early starts and trying to get a toddler out of the door on time, especially as she says she'll also need to pack things like food, nappies and the pram.

Yes I did say earlier OP will have to check this is ok with the nursery. They may have someone else wanting the space who may move if they can't get it or something.

Lots of people do it including me.
Yes the driving is a pain but the rewards to my parents and my child are immense. They have a lovely relationship, DC gets 1-2-1 time and focus. They go on trips to places together, see the shops and library. The packing isn't difficult, and gets easier as they get older. Buy mum a pram of her own and that saves that hassle.

I can't see why the nursery would mind. As long as the situation is fully explained.

From the 30 min drive perspective: for that reason alone, providing I could afford it, I would keep the nursery place.
We moved to a new town (14 miles away - not really an issue) in May. My work is a 20 min drive from new house. My mum did childcare for me on a Tuesday so I would drive 30 mins to drop my daughter off to her then another 15-20 mins from her house to my work. It was incredibly frustrating driving past my work to drop her at my mum's to then go back on myself to get to work.

Would have been much easier to put DD into a nursery just along the road but I only had to do it for about a month before going off on maternity leave so didn't want to bother upsetting my girls routine for one month.

It will depend heavily on their staffing ratios. I imagine that's why they were pushing for confirmation of the days.

@fajitaaaa and that's fine if it's what you want to do and - but in this case, the DH would clearly rather have their child in nursery.

And I can see why. A longer day plus the issue of the child falling asleep in the car home and messing up bedtime - that's potentially going to be a real pain in the arse to deal with once a week.

If grandma was round the corner then it would be different but it's a long drive for a little one, and it's a big addition to the commute for OP too.

Because if someone else is wanting a full-time space but can't have it but because OP is paying for a day they never use, that full-time child may end up going elsewhere - costing nursery more money long-term.

Since age 1 my DC has had 3 days a week in nursery, one with my MIL and one with me or my DH. It's consistent every week and I think she likes the variety. 5 days in nursery would really bore her. MIL has only rarely been ill or unavailable and we've worked around that. I think seeing DC is the highlight of her week so no issues with the long drive - it's nearly an hour but we alternative who travels each week.

Your husband has committed £200-300 from your budget for the extra day each month.

Hes obviously not worried about the cost of living crisis.

No way would I choose nursery over a family carer who I trusted.

What childcare do you have in place for Monday and Wednesday-Friday? It seems daft that of all the days your DH has chosen a day you already have childcare arranged.

Just to give a contrary opinion to many expressed on here I would choose my DM over nursery any day of the week. (Obviously she is extremely caring and reliable). Even if it meant a 2 hour drive!

Both my DCs had/have a mix of nursery and going to my DM's. I love their nursery but they get 1:1 care and attention from my Mum, they can go out and visit people/places with her. They can also go if they are sick (obviously as long as it's not something too awful) and I don't have to worry if I'm late or whatever.

My DC are incredibly close to my mum now. They adore her, and she them. It's a lovely relationship that would never have happened with a nursery key worker!

I would never sack off DM for nursery.