To officially ask him for money for the baby

[coombsy83]

Hi, first time poster so I don't really know what to expect. Lonely Saturday night and I feel really guilty.

I have a 7 month old baby daughter who is perfect (I have 2 older children from previous too).

The most recent pregnancy wasn't planned but we were happy and planning a future. We hadn't moved in together at that point and didn't think we should automatically move in because I was pregnant, trying to be sensible (and turns out it really was).

When I was 7 months pregnant we split up. Arguing, and I felt very unsupported.

By the time the baby came along we tried again. We've had a hellish 7 months of ups and downs in the relationship.

A month ago we split up, and it felt final. So I let him know out of courtesy that I had contacted the child maintenance service so that we don't argue about finances. He said fine, what happens now, I said I wasn't sure, that they'd contact him I guessed.

A few days later he rang upset, apologising and claiming he wanted to get help for his behaviour. This was a bit of a breakthrough moment for him to admit some of the things he was doing in the relationship. So we tried again and got on well for a week at my place! By the time he had returned to his place, he had the letter from CMS. He messaged fuming, and said that's it, I don't get to have him anymore I just get the money.

The conversation then went like this :

Me: ok just go through solicitor from now on
Him : for what?!
Me : contact for the baby
Him : you're on your own
Me: did you just say that about your baby?! That you don't want contact?!

I'm devastated for the baby, I mean we're in our 40s and not children and I don't understand why he'd say this about her. I feel so guilty for contacting the CMS as it's resulted in my baby not having a father, I guess I need some reassurance - did I do the right thing? Or a kick up the bum if I didn't?

Financial background :

I've returned to further education and on Universal credit, so not earning for now. He works full time on around £32000 per year.

He has 2 children from previous that he has 50/50.

Baby stays with me full time and he stays here to be with the baby. We decided this to have the baby's home as a constant and in the hope one day he would move in anyway. He's never had the baby overnight on his own.

He's paid for a couple of items for the baby, during pregnancy he paid for the pushchair. First months nursery fees (he's had 70% back) but hasn't contributed to the other 4 months. (We need to pay 30% ourselves for me to go to college and him to work).

He's bought formula I'd say about 5 times, never bought any actual food now we're weaning.

He bought the baby monitor.

Cot and everything in her room was bought and built by me when we were split. Clothes night by my mum and me regulaly, he hasn't bought clothes in months.

I just feel so guilty that as a result of my action, my baby now has a dad that doesn't want to know.

Please MN help me get my head straight.

I know this is a long post but if anyone can read and let me know an opinion. My family and friends are wonderful but I always think are they just saying that to support me, I'd really like unbiased opinions if anyone is awake x

You were never going to stay together anyway as you two just don't get on.

Your baby does have a father and will always have a father. If that father chooses not to see his child, there's nothing you can do about that - it's his choice.

YANBU to contact the CMS because whether you two get on or not, your child still needs to eat, wear clothes and shoes, and sleep in a warm home.

Any dad that can decide he wants nothing to do with his child because he is expected to contribute financially towards raising him or her was never going to be a good parent anyway.

You haven't done anything wrong, and have possibly saved both yourself and DC from years of dealing with someone who couldn't be arsed in the first place.

@DuplicateUserName I agree it was never going to work for so many reasons.

I just don't understand that when I first said to him I had contacted them he didn't seem bothered. Now he's had the letter he doesn't want to see her. I don't understand that logic.

If anything I was expecting him to say right now that figure is too high for him as calculated by them, he'd want the baby overnight to bring the figure down!

I get on with my ex before him so well and have done for years coparenting our now teens so this behaviour is so new to me.

There's no logic to the response by him!

Thanks @rizzo999 I just feel so guilty! She lights up when she sees him and I'm sure she's looking round to see if he's going to appear! I feel awful for her and feel like it's my fault

He's just sulking that's all.

He'll either come to accept it or he won't but don't let him use your child as a weapon against you, by trying to guilt trip you.

If he wants to back out of being a dad because he feels it's too expensive, let him crack on.

@DuplicateUserName that's the odd thing, it would be cheaper for him if he saw her (overnight at least) that way he'd at his daughter and not have to pay as much.

This way he pays more and decided not to have anything to do with her.

This.

Don't be silly. Reverse roles and try to imagine refusing to see the baby for any reason whatsoever.... You wouldn't dream of it.

If he isn't interested in the child, you can't force him, but to be honest he just sounds pissed off that he's having to contribute to the child's costs.

Stay calm, let the cms deal with the financial side. Wait for him to come to you over child access. He knows where you are.

You have done nothing wrong. Your daughter's father has decided not to have contact with her, his choice. You at least know the situation and can plan your family's life accordingly. You don't need his input, but it is sad for your daughter. If he really does remain non contact with her, she will quickly adapt to life with just a mum and siblings. I have a granddaughter who has no memories of her dad who has never paid a penny, been non contact since she was a baby. She's the most beautiful person, 1st Class Honour's graduate, successful career etc etc. She has zero interest in contacting him, she's had a wonderful single mum and that's enough for her. Your daughter will be absolutely fine.

@Murdoch1949 thank you that's so reassuring to hear.

I feel like when she grows up and asks she might blame me for asking for him to pay. I know that's a bit silly as he's supposed to pay.

The relationship was psychologically abusive and I'm coming out the other side with help from my health visitor so I am aware that this may be me having a weak moment thinking things are my fault.

I kinda just wanted to check. The psychological abuse has left me questioning my every action

It sounds like he's just using as an excuse. You are setting a good example to your daughter by requiring her father to pay up. I can't imagine she would be upset with you about his choice to have no contact. He may be bluffing but, if not, it might be better this way than if he just disappeared later.

You're in the middle of the storm. Let things settle.

Once anger and other feelings subside, you will both see the situation more clearly.

If he looks after two DC it's reasonable to assume it goes against his nature to abandon your child.

Just work on effective communication for the sake of your child and your own mental health.

@BabyOnBoard90 effective communication right now is non existent as I'm blocked.

It's just madness as like you say he's got 5050 of his other children. He wouldn't be able to have 5050 of the baby as he lives too far from the nursery to take her there and go to work.

My health visitor even commented on the language he used (her previous role dealt with vulnerable mothers) and believes as he said "you're on your own" rather than anything mentioning the baby that this is about hurting me as he knows I would feel upset by this. No mention of the baby.

I'm also undertaking a new career path as a nurse that would have needed him to look after the baby so she believes his language refers to that too, trying to scupper my progression.

Little does he know I have an overnight childminder lined up for my night shifts!

He could pay and have contact, he could pay and not have contact, he could not pay. In the end it will be his loss if he opts out. All the toing and froing while you decide if you have a relationship will have taken its toll on your other dc too. It does not matter who bought what, plan you futures without him.

I actually think it was the mention of a solicitor that sent him into his sulk. To be fair he could have taken that to mean you weren't going to do this the 'easy way'.

You were absolutely right to ensure he pays for his child. I'd leave it for now and let him cool off. If you generally get on amicably I'd then try to sort out contact without going legal.

@BringItBackBruno the solicitor route shouldn't be too much of a shock. When I was pregnant and we split up he said he wanted 5050 from birth and the stress of it all was too much being alone heavily pregnant. My midwife got someone from the freedom programme to give me a call (emotionally abusive relationship) and they got me a free solicitor to write and explain that this won't be possible from birth etc.

I've always said if we can't communicate effectively I'll just go back to using a solicitor, it's never phased him before.

He mentioned in his text he wouldn't be able to afford to live if he paid me what they're asking and he's going to ring them to say he cares for other children 5050. I just said ok.

I mean he's not contributed much so far so anything will be better than what it has been, and that's us being in a 'relationship'!

I thought he was going to say to have her X amount of nights even on the weekend to bring down the payments, I was ready for some intense demands. So I'm shocked to see he's gone the other way.

You are a parent...you know that nothing would keep you from seeing your child/ren. This is not about the money - he is using it as an excuse to bow out. So yes you did the right thing as it revealed his true colours very quickly! Also right thing for the baby's future.

If he didn't want a third child, he could have opted to have a vasectomy. He didn't and that was a risk he took with all its attendant liabilities. Babies cost money: he's had two before so it's not unknown territory for him. Don't take responsibility for his current inability to face up to the consequences of his actions. He needs to pay for his baby and ideally needs to be a reliable part of her life: you've done nothing wrong in wanting that for her.

Stay strong. I'm so impressed at your level of organisation with the overnight childminder

@NEmama thanks. I had planned to be a pediatric nurse while I was pregnant and we were split, so already planned to do it without him so looked in to everything then. He's not going to ruin this for me and essentially my daughter as it's her future in thinking of. Before now I've been in such dead end jobs and I want to create a better future for her

He was blasé about the CMS because he was expecting to convince you he’d changed, and you’d drop it.

He is absolutely looking for a way to weasel out of his responsibilities. He’s blackmailing you with contact to get you to drop the financial duty, as he tried with the charm offensive too. He doesn’t want to contribute, and that’s more important to him than the child, unfortunately.

The way I read it… he didn’t cut contact because of the CMS, but because you told him he’d have to go through a solicitor for contact… maybe he’s misunderstood your intension there and over reacted?

The CMS thing isn’t to blame regardless, the relationship clearly isn’t viable and it’s best for all your kids that that’s over. Claiming money was 100% the right thing to do, don’t feel guilty. Chances are he will stop sulking at some point. Are solicitors essential for him to have contact? And you do family mediation first instead?

I'm not saying you're to blame but why did you say he would have to go through solicitors for contact? That way is hard, expensive, adversarial and not in children's best interests. In fact you can't go to court until you've had mediation anyway (unless there is evidence of DV which potentially you have) but in fact a mediation appointment to discuss contact would have probably been the best course of action in this case.

@Coffeellama the health visitor has said I don't need to go through mediation as I'm under the freedom programme (for people who want to escape these relationships and know the signs of psychological abuse)

He himself has mentioned solicitors in the past and we've used one when I was pregnant as he wanted 5050 from birth at the time.

So I really doubt it's that.

But thank you for the rest of your reply. I hope that when he calms down he unblocks me and says he wants to see the baby.

As an addition, he's also blocked his mother (she treated him poorly in his defence) and his sister doesn't speak to him. His other two kids speak to their grandmother through his ex. What I'm saying is their family don't communicate healthily at all, they all just cut each other off and treat each other badly. So it's not a huge surprise I guess.

@Chattycathydoll thank you so much with this. I thought this but didn't want to say async influence anyone's opinion, to see if anyone else thought the same.

I think he is doing it so I get upset and drop the CMS so he sees the baby. I've come close. As one of his texts said "have the money, I hope the baby prefers that to her dad too".

As if it can only be one or the other?!

Giving me an ultimatum?! She either gets financially supported or has her dad in her life, but can't have both?!