To officially ask him for money for the baby

[coombsy83]

Hi, first time poster so I don't really know what to expect. Lonely Saturday night and I feel really guilty.

I have a 7 month old baby daughter who is perfect (I have 2 older children from previous too).

The most recent pregnancy wasn't planned but we were happy and planning a future. We hadn't moved in together at that point and didn't think we should automatically move in because I was pregnant, trying to be sensible (and turns out it really was).

When I was 7 months pregnant we split up. Arguing, and I felt very unsupported.

By the time the baby came along we tried again. We've had a hellish 7 months of ups and downs in the relationship.

A month ago we split up, and it felt final. So I let him know out of courtesy that I had contacted the child maintenance service so that we don't argue about finances. He said fine, what happens now, I said I wasn't sure, that they'd contact him I guessed.

A few days later he rang upset, apologising and claiming he wanted to get help for his behaviour. This was a bit of a breakthrough moment for him to admit some of the things he was doing in the relationship. So we tried again and got on well for a week at my place! By the time he had returned to his place, he had the letter from CMS. He messaged fuming, and said that's it, I don't get to have him anymore I just get the money.

The conversation then went like this :

Me: ok just go through solicitor from now on
Him : for what?!
Me : contact for the baby
Him : you're on your own
Me: did you just say that about your baby?! That you don't want contact?!

I'm devastated for the baby, I mean we're in our 40s and not children and I don't understand why he'd say this about her. I feel so guilty for contacting the CMS as it's resulted in my baby not having a father, I guess I need some reassurance - did I do the right thing? Or a kick up the bum if I didn't?

Financial background :

I've returned to further education and on Universal credit, so not earning for now. He works full time on around £32000 per year.

He has 2 children from previous that he has 50/50.

Baby stays with me full time and he stays here to be with the baby. We decided this to have the baby's home as a constant and in the hope one day he would move in anyway. He's never had the baby overnight on his own.

He's paid for a couple of items for the baby, during pregnancy he paid for the pushchair. First months nursery fees (he's had 70% back) but hasn't contributed to the other 4 months. (We need to pay 30% ourselves for me to go to college and him to work).

He's bought formula I'd say about 5 times, never bought any actual food now we're weaning.

He bought the baby monitor.

Cot and everything in her room was bought and built by me when we were split. Clothes night by my mum and me regulaly, he hasn't bought clothes in months.

I just feel so guilty that as a result of my action, my baby now has a dad that doesn't want to know.

Please MN help me get my head straight.

Does he need to go to court for contact though? If you can come to an agreement that works for you then surely that is fine - you only need to go to court if you can't agree/ he is unreasonable/ is messing around with the arrangement. Yanbu in general but I do think saying he needed to go to court for contact was unreasonable and inflammatory and from his perspective he may see that you are keeping him away by saying he needs to go to court.

@MaireadMcSweeney when text messages get controlling I've been advised to end it saying "we obviously can't communicate effectively here so please go through solicitors".

We've done it before when he wanted 5050 from birth.

Yes, under the freedom programme I'm signed a solicitor as I don't need to go through meditation.

@maddening we've been down the solicitor route previously when we split when I was pregnant as he was demanding 5050 from birth.

The freedom programme have advised that when text messages get controlling to end it saying we will go through solicitors to discuss.

Solicitors isn't a shock to him, he's previously been quite confident to reply without representation.

You can see he is using your baby as a weapon to punish you. When it doesn’t work he will try something else. Ignore him for now.

Maybe you should go back to the Freedom Program - he’s still got you taking responsibility for his unreasonable behaviour.

Sorry if that sounded harsh. You’ve done nothing wrong. Just believe in yourself. 💐

@Shelby2010 no it didn't sound harsh at all, thank you for your honesty, I need to hear it.

I agree with you.

I think he thought I'd cancel the CMS after getting on well for a week.

And I may well have if it had been a few weeks, but not a week.

And I'm glad I didn't as he's showing what he's really like.

Stay strong and do what's best for your child.

Don't be manipulated into not pursuing him for CMS and don't do it off the books if he suggests it.

He mentioned in his text he wouldn't be able to afford to live if he paid me what they're asking and he's going to ring them to say he cares for other children 5050. I just said ok.

It sounds like that’s his plan-to try to get out of paying you anything because he’s already got other kids to pay for!

@Shinyandnew1 but then why not ask to have the baby which would bring his payments down and give him a relationship with her.

This way he pays more and doesn't see her. I feel so awful for her

@Overandunderit thanks. This week has been tough but I'm getting there slowly.

He doesn't give a toss about ur beautiful baby or about you. He is using you both. Ur relationship together will effect your child down the line if u stay together. He is gaslighting u to think this is all your fault.
Please go to a solicitor and do everything legal. Or at least to someeone who can give you free advice. Keep going with the money make
Him pay for ur child. He doesn't get a choice with this. Take back some
Control and please don't go back with him. He doesn't care about you only himself.

Quite complicated back story, but essentially my EXH was more or less absent after DD 1st birthday. When I asked for a divorce he decided he didn't want to see her and wasn't paying maintenance. I went through CMS and had a whole drama of him saying he'd paid when he hadn't, then him saying he'd paid into her account (had to physically go to the building society and check her savings) and he hadn't. Then transpired that he'd opened an account in her name (that he controlled) and thought it was okay to pay into that instead.

Anyway, he cost me a fortune in solicitors fees because until the access issues around DD were sorted out the money from our house sale couldn't be agreed. He was adamant that he was applying for full custody or nothing. He didn't bother and decided not to see her anymore. He did from thereon pay his maintenance monthly and on time, but saw her for the first time in November. She's 12. He's seen her once since.

@coombsy83 don’t ‘let him have the baby to bring his payments down’. Let CMS work out the revised figure (if indeed he IS paying towards the other kids). Just sort yourself out. Ignore all this manipulation. Just because he is trying to say you are taking money which means your baby won’t have a father does not make it so - he can choose to have contact regardless. He is doing what he thinks will allow him control and trying to guilt you into letting him off. I would do what needs to be done to get you and baby into a routine that works. I think I read he still lives with you in the same house - that needs to end, too. Good luck OP.

How old are his other kids? It sounds like he thinks it's unfair he has to start all over again with contributing financially to a child. If his other kids are a bit older then he's also probably been looking forward to having a bit more freedom soon and again, doesn't want to start again looking after a baby 50/50 for the next 17 years.

He's definitely trying to get you to drop the CMS through withdrawing contact. I imagine he will eventually change his tune and ask for some contact to bring his payments down.

I'd just wait and see. It is really sad for your daughter to not have a father, but I reckon no father is better than an abusive one. Sounds like she will have lots of love and support from the rest of her family and will be absolutely fine without him if he stays absent.

@Bumblefuzz that's awful I'm so sorry for you and your daughter. How has she coped with this? How's the relationship between them?

@Blowthemandown oh gosh no he's not living here thank God. That's why he couldn't have 5050 as he lives too far to be able to drop the baby to nursery and get to work.

He could have her on a night on a weekend though and maybe one day in the week when he takes his children to school so it's late for work anyway. But he's decided not to.

If you split up because he can't have a rational conversation about how he came about receiving a letter from the cms it was never going to work. This is not your doing.

Go back to the cms and put a proper claim in. Doesn't matter what he has and hasn't done or bought for the baby up to date.

@bluebird3 they're 6 and 9. He's had 5050 from the break up with his ex so has never paid his ex anything, shares costs of swimming and other classes etc for the kids 5050 where they transfer money to whoever has paid for the activity etc. Which is what my ex and I do too for my older children.

I think he expects me to beg him to see her as he knows it's important to me, but it should be even more important to him.

@ImBlueDab thank you. I need to hear it as I feel so guilty!

Ignore his games or hurt ego
Apply for you support.
Your baby and you need a standard of living.
Many Dads pull this shite.
When it becomes difficult talk to him like a business partner if he wants to see baby.
You have your studies and a baby to focus on.
No mother goes through parenting without many guilty worries. With yours I suggest you hold your head high and
Be proud you are on track doing the right thing for your baby who will understand one day.
If visiting returns then make sure you have someone around to prevent any unnecessary emotional bs.
Babies grow fast, try and enjoy this moment.
Surround yourself with good friends and family.
Ps you are entitled to block him if he causes any problems or games!

@Whatisthegoss thank you so much. I need to drum this all in to myself!

Print this out. Stitch it on a pillowcase and every night as you lay down to sleep, read and remember.

Oh god this reminded me of my ex! We agreed on days he would have our child and Tuesdays was one of them. I remember him then saying obviously if the baby is born on a Tuesday morning then I'll be taking them overnight 🤦🏼‍♀️

Exactly the same story here. Even down to being gone from the child's 1st birthday! Except no maintenance

Its up to him if he wants contact or not. Nothing you have done wrong. He can ask them to reduce his payments to take into account the other children but still that's nothing you've done wrong.