Outrageous fashion - who IBU?

[Champagneforeveryone]

DS is home from uni, started in September. We live in a small village in the southwest, with all that entails. DS currently at uni in London.

DS has returned from uni as a somewhat more flamboyant dresser than when he left, a sort of Marilyn Manson / Goth look. Mostly this was fine but he currently has a thing for fishnet tights and short hot pants/ skirts.

I'm not exactly thrilled by this but see them as only clothes, and the bigger deal we make the worse things could become. I think he looks slightly ridiculous, but at one time I wore white ankle socks over black tights so my judgement isn't exactly sound 😉

DH OTOH is slightly older and is appalled by them. He hasn't said anything to DS but has avoided going out together where possible. He's of the generation where fishnet tights were "slutty" and drew attention to a person. A man in a skirt was opening himself up to ridicule or assault, and he's adamant that he doesn't want that for DS. I maintain that DS is not naive and has to take the consequences for his choices, I cannot make the world a safe place for him to walk around dressed as he wants to.

DS wants to join us for a drink tonight. DH has brightly pointed out that there's no point as we are doing Dry January so we may as well stay at home. Normally he would leap at the chance to go to the pub (I'm wise enough to know there's no question of going to the pub and not drinking alcohol) so I think this is also an excuse not to be seen in public.

I'm so very torn by this. On the one hand DS is old enough to dress as he wants, and while I'm not the biggest fan of it, I'm delighted that he has the confidence to pull it off. OTOH I can completely see what DH thinks and why he does so. He's not been unkind or spiteful, and he's a very long way from banning DS from visiting or leaving the house dressed like that, but it does make him very uncomfortable.

I've briefly spoken to DS and he understands to a point, but really doesn't see it as a big deal. He's grudgingly worn jeans for one outing, which I'm equally unhappy about as it feels like we are overriding his wishes and essentially everything he is. OTOH he wears jeans and a t-shirt to work as that's the uniform, so he is aware that there are times and places. DH seems to think that we are also one of those times and places, DS absolutely doesn't and I'm unsure what to do for the best. So,

YABU - DS should wear what he wants and your DH should get over himself

YANBU - DS should be more considerate and tone things down when out with his parents

When I think to how I came back from uni…

I think DM said something to DGM about my new nose piercing &, bless DGM, she just said “well, she is a student now” then dug out a fugly cardigan -which I of course LOVED-for me to take back with me 😂

DH is BVU.
DS is just finding himself.

I remember vividly having a fight with my mum as she wouldn’t let me wear stripy tights, army boots a land a velvet top hat out with her, my dad and my grandma to visit my auntie. I did, grudgingly, downgrade my “look” and compromise (probably to a patchwork dress and homemade batik boots with moons and stars on. I was pure class).

The thing is, I think you can support your son while explaining there are different things you wear in different circumstances.

Your ds has the right to choose to wear what he wants.
Equally you and your dh have the right to not feel comfortable and not want to be attention seeking when you are out and about.

Your ds is old enough to know he will be drawing a lot of attention to himself, and, by default the people he is with. That is up to him, but it is very much other people's right to not want all that attention and choose not to sit in your local pub with him dressed like that.

YABU - DS should wear what he wants and your DH should get over himself

Bottom line this is an example of how fashion styles and trends begin, people wearing different than expected ect

dustyowl I love the velvet top hat! DH would likely be completely on board with that 😆

Most parents would feel like OP

Thankfully, one of our son's a barrister tunred up our house with a small stud in his ear. It made me so angry but I've got used to it now and is is small stud and he does not wear it all of the time

I'm all for men goth dressing, spent my youth looking like that. I just hope he shaves his legs because fishnets and hairy legs is not a good look 😆

Yes I agree with this.

Would DS be OK with his dad dressing like that with him out and about?

Would DS be OK with his dad dressing like that with him out and about?

fajitaaa my life is enough of a minefield without you adding that particular vision to the mix 😆😆😆

In all seriousness, DS is so heavily immersed into people "being themselves" he would probably profess not to care. But would arrange not to come out with us 😉

I'd just let him wear what he wants so long as it isn't actively seeking to offend. Tbh I think the more of a big deal parents make about that sort of thing the more he will be inclined to dress outlandishly. I'd ignore it as long as there's no actual offensive nudity or deliberate attempts to shock (eg string vest - fine for clubbing, parties, edgy art galleries etc - not so great getting nipples out at the local national trust tea room).

What do you want people to say OP?

Your DS is an adult so it doesn't really matter what your DH thinks, he's not in a position to stop him dressing any particular way when he goes out even if he wants to. If he would ultimately prefer not to spend time with his son or family altogether as a unit as a result of whatever deep fears/prejudice/insecurity he holds himself then it's a shame but it's also up to him. I'd feel a bit embarrassed by my DP actually if he were desperately finding obvious excuses to avoid this rather than either just get over it or discuss it in a respectful way with whoever it concerned.

Good for your DS if he understands the vital importance of people being able to be who they are and making attempts to put into practice that which he 'professes' to believe. It's more than most would do and quite often that's their loss. Of course he wears what he has to wear to work and of course he understands appropriate dress rules, but presumably hopes of all the places that apply, your own family home with your close family is not one of those places. If it transpires not to be I would suspect he would spend much more time in London and come home less and less.

As long as general public decency is observed or the mode of dress is appropriate for wherever you're going I think it will just be something your DH will have to make efforts to adjust to, if he wants a compromise on another adults clothes a conversation needs to be had that comes from a place of logic and where the request is a reasonable one; eg for a specific event for a specific reason, one that doesn't boil down to your DH's personal opinions and DS needing to adapt to his own inability to adjust.

Most parents would feel like OP

l absolutely wouldn’t. It’s kind of narrow minded. My sm defended me having pink hair in the 80’s to our stuffy neighbours.

I’d be celebrating his style.

As long as he's decent (as in the private bits covered), let him rock on.

Unless you have serious concerns that doing so could lead to him attacked.

I can remember my brother coming home from his First term with his curly hair shoulder length and very sticking out (like an afro). After the initial shock we all went with it... it was only recently I saw photos of my very quiet, strait laced father at a similar age. My brother looked tame. Explains why he was so relaxed by my outfit choices. He was a student in the late 60s/early 70s so it made sense really!

My thoughts exactly 😂

I think the options given are unreasonable. Compromise is vital to protect family relationships.

DH sounds like he is doing a fantastic job of remaining neutral. Very diplomatic. I wish more people were this highly skilled!

People who dress outside the norms know exactly what they're doing, they know that it provokes strong reactions and that's why they do it!

Hopefully DS will grow out of it.

Be sure to take lots of pics to embarass him with when he's 40!

YABU - he’ll be with you, so won’t be attacked or insulted by random small town minded people. Let him be and get it out of his system.

That’s so hard. It’s the fishnets and shortness which would unnerve me. SIL who I adore dresses incredibly alternatively but completely modestly- so much so that in far more modest countries than this he drew nothing but approval.

I too thought I was the bee’s knee’s going all goth at that age and earlier. Looking back, I was trying to be individual but ended up looking like loads of other ‘individuals’. It’s like a rite of passage, so much so that there’s a Facebook post of a pair of teenagers going out all gothed up and then 10 years later, still together, much less ‘out there’ clothing.

Completely agree with this;

Your ds is old enough to know he will be drawing a lot of attention to himself, and, by default the people he is with. That is up to him, but it is very much other people's right to not want all that attention and choose not to sit in your local pub with him dressed like that.

Honestly I think it’d be inappropriate for a female going out wearing fishnets and hot pants with her parents, nevermind a man.
YANBU- he should tone it down.

I wouldn't want to go to the pub with a bloke wearing fishnet tights and short hot pants, unless I was somewhere like London for example where people wouldn't stare.

Come to think of it I wouldn't want to go out with a woman wearing the same thing either, unless it was to a place where people wouldn't stare.

And if I were your DH, I'd point out that if he wants to come along on a night out, he'll have to respect that not everyone wants a shit tonne of attention.

FWIW there are no "bits or tits" on show, and the look is quite deliberately curated.

Since he's been home there's been more band T-shirts rather than strappy tops with anarchy symbols on, so the look has already been toned down (or he's run out of clean clothes!) He also has long dark hair which is the envy of many women, and he is quite slim so perhaps less obvious than he might be.

He still needs to learn to consider others OP, especially as he's the one asking to go out with you and his dad.

He can wear what he wants, but the consequence is his dad won't go out and socialise with him. Both get to make that choice. If his dad is too uncomfortable to be see with him dressing up in fishnets and skirts, and your son doesn't want to compromise that look, the consequence is they will only spend time at home together. Neither of them are wrong, they are both entitled to how they feel.

My son turns up in 3 layers of 'crusty' jeans, army boots, studded, patched 'battle vest' a woolly hat and t-shirts of bands, such as 'shit-lickers'.
I've pointed out that he isn't going to need steel toe caps here, in rural Dorset, so sometimes he'll wear comfy joggers, a thick plaid shirt and Vans, instead, when we go to the beach. In August.
But, yes, I'd be really embarrassed at hanging out with him in Goth gear.