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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Outrageous fashion - who IBU?

65 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 07/01/2023 17:01

DS is home from uni, started in September. We live in a small village in the southwest, with all that entails. DS currently at uni in London.

DS has returned from uni as a somewhat more flamboyant dresser than when he left, a sort of Marilyn Manson / Goth look. Mostly this was fine but he currently has a thing for fishnet tights and short hot pants/ skirts.

I'm not exactly thrilled by this but see them as only clothes, and the bigger deal we make the worse things could become. I think he looks slightly ridiculous, but at one time I wore white ankle socks over black tights so my judgement isn't exactly sound 😉

DH OTOH is slightly older and is appalled by them. He hasn't said anything to DS but has avoided going out together where possible. He's of the generation where fishnet tights were "slutty" and drew attention to a person. A man in a skirt was opening himself up to ridicule or assault, and he's adamant that he doesn't want that for DS. I maintain that DS is not naive and has to take the consequences for his choices, I cannot make the world a safe place for him to walk around dressed as he wants to.

DS wants to join us for a drink tonight. DH has brightly pointed out that there's no point as we are doing Dry January so we may as well stay at home. Normally he would leap at the chance to go to the pub (I'm wise enough to know there's no question of going to the pub and not drinking alcohol) so I think this is also an excuse not to be seen in public.

I'm so very torn by this. On the one hand DS is old enough to dress as he wants, and while I'm not the biggest fan of it, I'm delighted that he has the confidence to pull it off. OTOH I can completely see what DH thinks and why he does so. He's not been unkind or spiteful, and he's a very long way from banning DS from visiting or leaving the house dressed like that, but it does make him very uncomfortable.

I've briefly spoken to DS and he understands to a point, but really doesn't see it as a big deal. He's grudgingly worn jeans for one outing, which I'm equally unhappy about as it feels like we are overriding his wishes and essentially everything he is. OTOH he wears jeans and a t-shirt to work as that's the uniform, so he is aware that there are times and places. DH seems to think that we are also one of those times and places, DS absolutely doesn't and I'm unsure what to do for the best. So,

YABU - DS should wear what he wants and your DH should get over himself

YANBU - DS should be more considerate and tone things down when out with his parents

OP posts:
dammit88 · 08/01/2023 07:45

UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2023 17:11

Your ds has the right to choose to wear what he wants.
Equally you and your dh have the right to not feel comfortable and not want to be attention seeking when you are out and about.

Your ds is old enough to know he will be drawing a lot of attention to himself, and, by default the people he is with. That is up to him, but it is very much other people's right to not want all that attention and choose not to sit in your local pub with him dressed like that.

I think this sums it up perfectly. We all want to support out children but as parents we are still human and may not want so much attention focused on us, which your son will inevitably attract.

Oysterbabe · 08/01/2023 07:54

Dressing like a twat at university is a right of passage. I have to look back at old photos through my fingers.

Thingamebobwotsit · 08/01/2023 07:59

I think the bigger issue here is how welcome do you want DS to feel at home? While both perspectives are totally valid- how would you and your DH feel if DS decided to reduce/stop the amount of time he spent with you if he feels he can't be himself around you?

For lots of different reasons, I stopped going home to my parents because I wasn't really welcome. It would break my heart if my DCs decided to make that decision because it didn't feel like they were accepted for who they were at home.

Judgyjudgy · 08/01/2023 08:20

I think it's actually cool DS has the confidence to do this and you should be proud

MistyLuna · 08/01/2023 08:30

Can’t speak for your DS but I was always conscious of the fact that if I wore what I wanted around family & family friends, there would be tongues wagging and my parents would take the brunt of it. They often took the brunt of the jibes, jokes, nasty critical comments, etc. about my lifestyle choices whilst I was off living my life in another town. So to protect them from sad meddling relatives, family friends & acquaintances who had nothing better to do than criticise others, I would dress, look & act the part when I went to see them. This was the main and only reason. But to get to that stage where I could take my parents feelings into account, and protect them, we had a history of good communication: my parents shared their worries, concerns, etc. with me — especially my mum. She never said I don’t want you to wear this. She only pointed out what so-and-so said. This worked for me and my parents. Not sure if it’ll work for you. But maybe your DS in unaware of the impact it has on his parents?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:38

I’m finding this thread quite shocking.

Dh sounds like a narrow minded bigoted twat, and yet people are saying he has the right to feel uncomfortable about what his ds is wearing? Why?

Clothes speak volumes, if this is what the Dh thinks, then that’s probably why the ds is dressing like he is, and good on him.

He should be celebrated for his confidence, style and chutzpah ibstead of his miserable moaning parents having a downer on him about something so integral to him, and so trivial to everyone else.

We live in the 21st century and dh needs to get with it. There’s bigger hills to die on. It feels like a kind of discrimination to me. If l was ds l’d be gone like a shot.

Maggiesgirl · 08/01/2023 08:38

My DM had 3 of her 5 kids dress outrageously at one time. Usually she just rolled her eyes, although she did ask 17 year old me to not wear my hair up in a long bright purple mohican one day. I was off to my first maternity appointment at the hospital. She felt I was going to be judge enough as a single teen mother without the hair. I think looking back she was right.

Paq · 08/01/2023 08:41

I think your son is just a typically self absorbed young person who doesn't appreciate his parents are people in their own right and have as many feelings as he does.

Would your DH would be embarrassed about going to the pub with any man dressed in fishnets and hot pants? Probably, so it's not a judgement on your son.

He knows there's a time and a place for fishnets, and down the local with your old man is not it.

MMMarmite · 08/01/2023 08:42

UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2023 17:11

Your ds has the right to choose to wear what he wants.
Equally you and your dh have the right to not feel comfortable and not want to be attention seeking when you are out and about.

Your ds is old enough to know he will be drawing a lot of attention to himself, and, by default the people he is with. That is up to him, but it is very much other people's right to not want all that attention and choose not to sit in your local pub with him dressed like that.

I agree with this.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:43

He knows there's a time and a place for fishnets, and down the local with your old man is not it

Its exactly the place he should wear it. Dh needs to get out of his narrow minded comfort zone.

DuncanBiscuits · 08/01/2023 08:48

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:43

He knows there's a time and a place for fishnets, and down the local with your old man is not it

Its exactly the place he should wear it. Dh needs to get out of his narrow minded comfort zone.

Why? Maybe he likes his comfort zone?

StopThe · 08/01/2023 08:49

Life is short. Family is precious. Love and accept your ds for who he is and what he wears.

Anything else will drive a wedge between your DH and you and him.

Also he's an adult . It's not up to your DH.

Crazykefir · 08/01/2023 08:53

Perhaps you could all go shopping together. Knee length kilt with trousers and loads of kinky straps? Its a classic alternative look?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:53

Depends if he wants to keep good relations with his ds imo.

Let him stay in it and lose his son. We should accept our dc unconditionally. He’s not nicking cars, he’s not doing drugs, he’s just experimenting with his sense of style. This is a good thing. His df is being controlling.

People on here always going on about how if a guy moans at his partner about wearing ‘revealing’ clothes he’s controlling and abusive🤷🏼‍♀️

His df is being controlling.

Paq · 08/01/2023 08:55

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:43

He knows there's a time and a place for fishnets, and down the local with your old man is not it

Its exactly the place he should wear it. Dh needs to get out of his narrow minded comfort zone.

The DS wears more conventional clothes to work, why doesn't he ask his employer to get out of their comfort zone?

Echobelly · 08/01/2023 08:56

At the end of the day it's just clothes and not worth the argument. FWIW, I love seeing parents and wackily-dressed kids/young adult kids happily hanging out together.

But then I am in London where everyone affects not to notice this stuff - which doesn't mean they don't notice it, but they act as if they don't. And I can see if would be more awkward in a small village scenario. It sounds like DS dresses like that because he likes it, not because he wants to upset his dad, so I think in this scenario, meeting in the middle and just wearing jeans occasionally seems a reasonable compromise.

I remember 25 years+ ago when I bleached and dyed my hair bright pink and had to prepare to upset my grandfather (to whom I was very close and saw a lot) and I remember having a conversation where I told him I knew it would upset him, but at the end of the day it was my decision and worrying about his views made it a harder one that in should have been, but it shouldn't be something to stop me doing it, and he respected that.

Paq · 08/01/2023 08:57

If he "loses his son" over some mild discomfort over the way he dresses I absolutely despair. I presume his dad is still loves him, cares for him and is financially supporting him to a degree as he's at university. He's not shouted "my house my rules" or burned the fishnets on a bonfire in the back garden. This is not a family alienation scenario.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:58

The DS wears more conventional clothes to work, why doesn't he ask his employer to get out of their comfort zone?

Because we wear clothing according to the situation. And his workplace probably has a dress code. So he has to follow it.

But out of work he is entitled to the freedom to wear what he wants. And if df has a problem, then it’s his problem not his ds’s.

l used to lecture history of fashion. This is anthropology. Leave him alone. Dh is the one causing problems. His ds is identifying with his tribe and his miserable dad is moaning at him.

MMMarmite · 08/01/2023 09:00

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:53

Depends if he wants to keep good relations with his ds imo.

Let him stay in it and lose his son. We should accept our dc unconditionally. He’s not nicking cars, he’s not doing drugs, he’s just experimenting with his sense of style. This is a good thing. His df is being controlling.

People on here always going on about how if a guy moans at his partner about wearing ‘revealing’ clothes he’s controlling and abusive🤷🏼‍♀️

His df is being controlling.

He's not being controlling. He's not told DS not to wear it, or manipulated or punished him in any way.

Both men want to appear to their social circle in the way that's comfortable to them. DS wants to look outrageous, fine. DH wants to avoid being the talk of the pub, also fine. It just unfortunately means they can't go to the pub together at the moment.

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 08/01/2023 09:00

UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2023 17:11

Your ds has the right to choose to wear what he wants.
Equally you and your dh have the right to not feel comfortable and not want to be attention seeking when you are out and about.

Your ds is old enough to know he will be drawing a lot of attention to himself, and, by default the people he is with. That is up to him, but it is very much other people's right to not want all that attention and choose not to sit in your local pub with him dressed like that.

This. By all means tell him he can wear what he likes, but he'd be going out on his own 🤷‍♀️

MistyLuna · 08/01/2023 09:02

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 08:58

The DS wears more conventional clothes to work, why doesn't he ask his employer to get out of their comfort zone?

Because we wear clothing according to the situation. And his workplace probably has a dress code. So he has to follow it.

But out of work he is entitled to the freedom to wear what he wants. And if df has a problem, then it’s his problem not his ds’s.

l used to lecture history of fashion. This is anthropology. Leave him alone. Dh is the one causing problems. His ds is identifying with his tribe and his miserable dad is moaning at him.

I don’t see OP’s question, or the discussion here, being about anthropology — i.e. what people “actually do” — but rather a normative one about what OP’s DS and DH “ought to do”.

Your own view that her DS “should be” allowed to wear what he wants outside of work is a normative — not anthropological — statement. The two are not the same.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 09:03

MMMarmite · 08/01/2023 09:00

He's not being controlling. He's not told DS not to wear it, or manipulated or punished him in any way.

Both men want to appear to their social circle in the way that's comfortable to them. DS wants to look outrageous, fine. DH wants to avoid being the talk of the pub, also fine. It just unfortunately means they can't go to the pub together at the moment.

Show quote history

DH OTOH is slightly older and is appalled by them. He hasn't said anything to DS but has avoided going out together where possible. He's of the generation where fishnet tights were "slutty" and drew attention to a person. A man in a skirt was opening himself up to ridicule or assault, and he's adamant that he doesn't want that for DS

This appears to be controlling behaviour. Fishnet tights ‘slutty’. Lovely.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 09:04

@MistyLuna

Thanks for your informative post👍🏻

MMMarmite · 08/01/2023 09:09

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/01/2023 09:03

DH OTOH is slightly older and is appalled by them. He hasn't said anything to DS but has avoided going out together where possible. He's of the generation where fishnet tights were "slutty" and drew attention to a person. A man in a skirt was opening himself up to ridicule or assault, and he's adamant that he doesn't want that for DS

This appears to be controlling behaviour. Fishnet tights ‘slutty’. Lovely.

Show quote history

We seem to have different definitions of controlling.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 08/01/2023 09:23

Most parents would feel like OP

It’s a bit of a reach for someone who was ‘so angry’ at their ‘barrister’ son’s tiny ear stud to generalise on behalf of all parents, @Abigail69 😂

But I do sympathise, OP - my kids have been through various shonky dressing phases (some worse than others) on the way to finding their own style, and even though DH and I are very relaxed about it, I think we’d be a bit twitchy taking DS to a rural pub in fishnets!

Agree with everyone saying it’s your son’s right to dress as he pleases but your DH’s prerogative not to feel comfortable with certain looks (as long as he’s not being unkind to DS). Neither of them ABU.

It may be best to steer a diplomatic course for the time being. It’s highly likely your son’s style will continue to change and evolve so it may not be an issue for long. And if it is a longer term thing, maybe you’ll need to think about brokering a compromise in the future when you go out together locally.

For what it’s worth, my aunt (who’s nearly 80) recounts the same story every time I bloody see her, of bumping into 17 yr old me on the high street when I was sporting a gigantic man’s charity shop overcoat and a faux-hican hairdo, backcombed to about a foot in height. Apparently she was trying to hide from me when I bounded over and kept her chatting for about half an hour, with her desperate to get away the whole time before she saw anyone she knew!