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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Outrageous fashion - who IBU?

65 replies

Champagneforeveryone · 07/01/2023 17:01

DS is home from uni, started in September. We live in a small village in the southwest, with all that entails. DS currently at uni in London.

DS has returned from uni as a somewhat more flamboyant dresser than when he left, a sort of Marilyn Manson / Goth look. Mostly this was fine but he currently has a thing for fishnet tights and short hot pants/ skirts.

I'm not exactly thrilled by this but see them as only clothes, and the bigger deal we make the worse things could become. I think he looks slightly ridiculous, but at one time I wore white ankle socks over black tights so my judgement isn't exactly sound 😉

DH OTOH is slightly older and is appalled by them. He hasn't said anything to DS but has avoided going out together where possible. He's of the generation where fishnet tights were "slutty" and drew attention to a person. A man in a skirt was opening himself up to ridicule or assault, and he's adamant that he doesn't want that for DS. I maintain that DS is not naive and has to take the consequences for his choices, I cannot make the world a safe place for him to walk around dressed as he wants to.

DS wants to join us for a drink tonight. DH has brightly pointed out that there's no point as we are doing Dry January so we may as well stay at home. Normally he would leap at the chance to go to the pub (I'm wise enough to know there's no question of going to the pub and not drinking alcohol) so I think this is also an excuse not to be seen in public.

I'm so very torn by this. On the one hand DS is old enough to dress as he wants, and while I'm not the biggest fan of it, I'm delighted that he has the confidence to pull it off. OTOH I can completely see what DH thinks and why he does so. He's not been unkind or spiteful, and he's a very long way from banning DS from visiting or leaving the house dressed like that, but it does make him very uncomfortable.

I've briefly spoken to DS and he understands to a point, but really doesn't see it as a big deal. He's grudgingly worn jeans for one outing, which I'm equally unhappy about as it feels like we are overriding his wishes and essentially everything he is. OTOH he wears jeans and a t-shirt to work as that's the uniform, so he is aware that there are times and places. DH seems to think that we are also one of those times and places, DS absolutely doesn't and I'm unsure what to do for the best. So,

YABU - DS should wear what he wants and your DH should get over himself

YANBU - DS should be more considerate and tone things down when out with his parents

OP posts:

OMG12 · 08/01/2023 09:43

DS should wear what he wants. But he’s also old enough to understand his decisions have consequences. It’s then up to him, does he want a nice family evening and amend how he dresses or stick to his fishnet tights for an evening at home. It’s a good lesson.

Paq · 08/01/2023 09:49

And if df has a problem, then it’s his problem not his ds’s.

I suspect everyone, even fashion academics, would have a line that they would not cross when it comes to self expression in public. Yours is just different to others.

You don't have to agree with it, but it's the dad's opinion and decision.

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 08/01/2023 09:52

The thread title is quite telling here. "Outragous fasion" to me is not what your DS is doing. Goth styles like this are pretty mainstream now - the gen Z kids see it as retro!
As far as they are concerned it has all been done before and has none of the shock value it used to.
I'd be more worried about living somewhere where you would be at risk of assault for wearing the "wrong thing" in public.

wombat1a · 08/01/2023 09:53

Your DH seems pretty sensible to me, DS can choose what he wants to wear and where to wear it and DH seems to be okay with that. OTOH DH chooses not to go to his local with his DS looking quite different to the norm and being the talk of the village which is fair enough too.

LadyWithLapdog · 08/01/2023 09:57

The potential for attack was what grabbed my attention as well. Do you live in the Fens in the 80s? Would a woman dressed in fishnets and tights be at risk? A man in red corduroy trousers?

TheOtherBoleynGirls · 08/01/2023 10:04

For me it would be that I’d not find men OR women wearing fishnets and hot pants to the local for a few pints with their parents a good outfit.

We all dress like tits as young adults, nothing wrong with that. But there’s a time and place for all sorts of outfits.

LadyWithLapdog · 08/01/2023 10:09

The DS isn’t after “a good fit”. He probably wants to shock a little. Whether that’s his parents or the villagers, who knows?

The village sounds a bit Deliverance, doesn’t it? I’m trying to think how it would be where I live and I don’t know because I don’t go to the pub locally. But a few miles up in a London pub, I’d think not much of a problem at all.

saturnisturning · 08/01/2023 10:14

UsingChangeofName · 07/01/2023 17:11

Your ds has the right to choose to wear what he wants.
Equally you and your dh have the right to not feel comfortable and not want to be attention seeking when you are out and about.

Your ds is old enough to know he will be drawing a lot of attention to himself, and, by default the people he is with. That is up to him, but it is very much other people's right to not want all that attention and choose not to sit in your local pub with him dressed like that.

This. With bells on.

Id be happy for him to dress like that but like fuck I’d be going out and sitting in a pub with him like that because I am shy and I hate attention being drawn to me.

NotLovingWFH · 08/01/2023 10:20

as always it seems the tolerance only has to be one way. Surely your DH can be uncomfortable with something if he is. It’s not small minded or bigoted, just a difference of opinion.
My kids would definitely not want to go to the local pub with me if I was wearing fishnets and shorts and I wouldn’t call them bigoted.
Dress appropriately for the occasion surely. When I was 20 I dressed differently to go clubbing, have lunch out with my parents or go for a job interview and never gave it a thought.

NancyJoan · 08/01/2023 10:27

He can wear what he wants, but the consequence is his dad won't go out and socialise with him. Both get to make that choice.

He can also make the choice not to come home at all. That would be a consequence of his dad sanctioning what he wears.

OP, it sounds in your later posts like your DH thinks his son should change his style in your home as well as out and about. Can he tell you why he feels that way? Presumably not fear of ridicule/violence at home, so what?

Disabrie22 · 08/01/2023 10:29

I’d be grateful he wanted to go to the pub with me 😂
I think the ability to ignore stares is very important. I’d tell him what to expect down the pub so you all prepped and nobody is on edge waiting for the inevitable.

MermaidEyes · 08/01/2023 10:31

Crazykefir · 08/01/2023 08:53

Perhaps you could all go shopping together. Knee length kilt with trousers and loads of kinky straps? Its a classic alternative look?

Vivienne Westwood would be proud

Original poster

Champagneforeveryone · 08/01/2023 11:45

Thanks for the replies, opinion seems pretty equally divided so it appears neither are actually wrong.

To clarify a couple points though...

I am proud of DS, overwhelmingly so in fact. This is what makes me so conflicted about the situation. I wish I could stop him doing it if I'm brutally honest, but I won't. I would say something if, as a PP mentioned, there were "tits and bits" on show, but I believe DS values his future career too much to do anything as outrageous as that. I'm also hopeful this is a phase (though it does make me slightly uneasy about what it could be replaced with! 😆)

I don't believe that DH is bigoted, more a creature of his own time and upbringing. He would be heartbroken to upset DS and has absolutely not said anything to him that might cause him upset. In one sense we've been quite fortunate as this is his first holiday back home and we've recently moved house, so we've got no prior rituals or traditions that we "normally" do. DH hasn't had to back out of anything or make excuses as there's no precedent IYSWIM? DS has also been out a lot as his friends are obviously home as well so hasn't been longing for an evening in our company so far!

Anyway, we did go out. DS compromised by wearing his artfully laddered normal tights (I'm not sure if that was any comfort to DH or not!) and DH broke his Dry January with a couple of drinks. Once we're in and sat down DH finds it easier, and we had a lovely evening chatting, drinking and eating. DH says that he's "getting used to it" and that it was "a shock", both of which I think are completely understandable statements.

OP posts:

ClubhouseGift · 08/01/2023 11:47

DS is a grown adult and welcome to dress how he wants, but he should be aware that by doing so this may have consequences and that some people aren’t going to want to be seen with you.

If if was my son I would let them know how disappointed in them I was and I wouldn’t go out with them while they were wearing unacceptable clothing.

LadyWithLapdog · 08/01/2023 14:05

It sounds like things were ok, OP. I’m surprised to hear you say about your DH being a product of his time and upbringing. It makes him sound very old (nothing wrong, obviously, but doesn’t tie in with having an 18-19 year old).

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